Dear Bossip: I’ve Decided To Become Celibate, But Does That Mean I Can’t Please Myself?

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Black woman hiding

Dear Bossip,

I am 29-years old. I recently left my boyfriend of a year and a half about two months ago due to his cheating. (I left him where I got him …way back there; I am way too old for stupidity).

Anyway, now I am thinking and looking to relocate to another state. I would be closer to my family as well, and thinking of starting my own business. Here’s my situation at this moment, I seriously want to take my time, at least, from 6 months to one year before I return to the dating scene. I want to focus on myself first because next time I truly want a great guy who is looking to be committed, as well goal oriented. I want to know that person very well before I get involve emotionally or intimately.

Now, the problem is I don’t have any type of intimacy, and for that reason I can’t stop pleasuring myself. I do it at least 3 to 5 times a week. I want to be totally self-restricted from any type of self-pleasure. Two weeks ago I had made the decision to stop pleasuring myself completely, but just the other day I had a dream of my ex and I being intimate. I woke up from the dream horny as hell and doing the same thrusting movements as if I was actually in the heat of the moment (LOL) in the bed. I was so surprised and shocked. I kept thinking about it so much I surrendered to the temptation of pleasuring myself.

Anyhow, please tell me what I should do! Does being celibacy entail no self-pleasure? How am I going to survive if I want to restrain for at least 6 months? I really do not wish to jump on the next guy doing something stupid just because I am horny. Please help! – Ms. Horny

Dear Ms. Horny,

SMDH! D**k got you feigning! Chile, you dreaming about it, simulating thrusting acts and movements in your sleep, and it got you so bad that you had to grab your toy and finish the job. LOL! I can’t!

Look, there is nothing wrong with committing to yourself in order to refrain from intimacy with someone. I wish more folks took the time to cleanse themselves, rejuvenate their bodies, and connect with themselves. Sometimes you have to stop all this laying around and opening your legs for various men, and women. Some of you are doing it just for the sake of doing it. This is when you need to have a coming to Jesus moment. You need to do some Woo-sa’s and clear your head, mind, and body. You’ve got to purge yourself of the lust, and horn-i-ness, and sometimes just be with yourself, reconnect, refuel, and re-energize, and stop giving in to the carnal desires. You’ve got to give your body a rest, and a moment to connect with your mind, and spirit. That’s why there is a triad of the mind, body, and soul. So, you need to refocus your mind, brain, and body and remind yourself what really matters in relationships. Sex does not make someone like you, love you, or want to be with you. It’s just an act. It’s a physical act and a way to release stress, tensions, desires, and fulfill your bodily desires.

And, I don’t want you to beat yourself up over your desires. We are human beings with sexual desires, and needs. There is nothing wrong with sharing intimate moments with someone. However, like you mentioned, you don’t want to just give your body to someone and they are not committed to you in the same way. Yes, it gets tiring and frustrating meeting someone and they fill your head with lies, games, and BS only so that they can get in your pants. You think the relationship is headed toward monogamy or a long-term future, yet, only to find out they are sleeping with everyone else, and playing games.

So, what we have to deal with in your case is the incessant need to self-pleasure yourself during your time of celibacy. To touch yourself, or not to touch yourself? That is the question. Well, celibacy can go either way. The definition of celibacy is to refrain from sexual relations. Now, does that include refraining from intimate relations with yourself? That depends on who is defining celibacy. Some take the act serious and will refrain from all types of pleasures, including self pleasure. For others, it is refraining from sexual relations with another person.

What I recommend for you is that you find what works best for you. There is nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself, however, if you are imagining ex partners, or specific men, then I advise that you refrain from pleasuring yourself. You’re trying to re-enact an intimate relationship, and that is not healthy. And, if you’re dreaming about your ex, and simulating sexual positions and acts, then it’s time that you truly went cold turkey. Your ex is still in your system. Your thinking of him, dreaming of him, and imagining him only continues to keep him as part of your life. You have to cleanse yourself of your ex, and this is a spiritual cleanse. I’ve made mention of this several times before, but you should check out Juanita Bynum’s, “No More Sheets.” It will get you right together.

Basically, she refers to sexual desires from past relationships that continue to live within us even after a relationship is over. There is a spiritual connection that occurs during intimacy, and your spirit connects with another. A joining of spirits. Now, because women are receivers, and men are givers, the intimate connection allows for a man to release himself inside of women, and, thus, you collect whatever is attached to his spirit. There is a transference that occurs between men and women. That is why you should be very careful of whom you decide to lay with and open your legs for. If a man has a spirit of lust, jealousy, deceit, envy, brokenness, or dishonesty, then you will collect that spirit. Now, imagine if he is laying and sleeping with other women, and they are connecting and having a transference of spiritual energies. And, imagine that woman is broken, self-hating, angry, low self-esteem, manipulative, and jealous. Well, he will bring that spirit into your body and life as well, dump that in you, while exchanging spiritual energies, and you become a spirit collector. Yeah, imagine all of that coming into your life.

So, yes, it’s okay to take some time out for yourself. Rejuvenate and refuel your body, and get into knowing you, and only you. Get rid of all those spirits lingering in your body. You will get really focused and clear and begin to recognize that before you met “so-and-so” you were not someone who was bitter, angry, jealous, deceitful, broken, and self-hating. You will see clearly that when they came into your life, that this is when all this stuff came into your life. Hmmm!!! So, yeah, it’s okay to remain celibate and refrain from intimacy with another. But, if you are going to engage in self-pleasure and you are re-imagining ex-boyfriends and former partners, or you’re dreaming about and simulating the movements, then perhaps you should not engage in self-pleasure. It’s time to cleanse, and thoroughly cleanse yourself spiritually, as well as mindful and bodily. Refocus that energy into yoga, exercise, or some type of hobby that shifts your mind, and energy into something more productive and positive. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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