Dear Bossip: I’m A Good Decent Girl, But Why Is It So Hard To Find A Good Decent Guy

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Black girl in college

Dear Bossip,

I have a big problem. I think of myself as a pretty nice girl. I try to keep myself in shape and dress nicely.

I am a 20-year old college student maintaining a decent GPA at a good university and really trying to apply myself, (I’ve been doing internships, working, student groups and charity). Beyond that I have a firm belief and respect for God and try to live accordingly. No smoking, drinking, partying, and waiting for marriage to have sex, etc.

However, I cannot seem to meet a halfway decent man. I’ve never been the type to judge a book by the cover and have given guys chances they didn’t deserve because I thought things would change. For example, I dated this guy for almost two years and was 100% faithful, supportive, loving and caring. I tried to do nice things to make his day better, (maybe take lunch to work for him), be there when he needed a friend, forgive him when he did me wrong, even taking an internship close to home for a semester so we could see each other more, (which we never did because every weekend I came home, but he was out with his friends…).

It didn’t matter how much I did though, he lied the entire relationship, and wasn’t really that nice. I was young so I was still trying to figure out what I needed and deserved, that’s why I stayed so long. I also had no idea of how major the lies were because he acted like everything was fine until something really big exploded in my face. I was totally blindsided and heartbroken. I tried to fix the relationship, but there was nothing I could do and finally came to my senses and got out.

Once single, there were a few guys who wanted to go out with me, so I tried. There was one guy in particular, who I had known for a few years and who seemed like a great guy. He was smart, nice, religious, and everything I could ask for. I quickly realized after a particularly fast-paced second date and subsequent conversation that he not only did not like me, but he wanted to
see how far he could go with me because he found me very attractive. I found this out because he flat out told me in pretty much those words. Naturally, I was heartbroken.

I then went to online dating and it didn’t get much better. I went on lots of dates, but it was the same with them all. They thought I was pretty and wanted to see if they could successfully add my name to their bedpost. They all failed, but it hurt me because they didn’t try to even get to know who I was for real. They’d do the small talk, ask about my goals and dreams, (some guys, online and off, went as far as to try to use religion to get me which is disgusting), but that was all a part of their bigger goal; to not sleep alone.

I went out with one guy six times before he finally confessed by saying, “I just really wanted to have sex with you.” Other guys thought I’d make a nice girl on the side. They were also wrong. I even tried guys at church, but they don’t seem too interested either, and it’s a significantly smaller pool. I really try to be a friend and be there for everyone and be a decent girl you could take home to your parents, but I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.

I’ve tried it all. I’ve played hard to get, but also gone out on a limb. I’m not ashamed to admit when I like someone, but I also know how to do so in an appropriate manner. Every time I get my heart broken I regroup and try to figure out how I can improve and I’ve learned a lot. I know when I’m being lied to and I’ve grown wiser, but I can’t figure out what to do. I try to leave dating alone and it seems like that’s the moment I meet a great guy who seems to actively pursue me, but it turns out he’s just like the rest. I try not to jump fast and get excited, but the second I’m even a little bit happy is the second that the whole thing breaks down.

I like who I am and who my parents raised and the life-style I live. God has been there for me every step of the way and I want to honor Him. I just would like your advice. Thanks! Sorry for writing this book, I just wanted to get it all out. – Good Girls Want Love Too

Dear Ms. Good Girls Want Love Too,

Ma’am, we can write books, magazine articles, host radio talks, panel discussions, and television shows dedicated to love, relationships, and dating. We still won’t find “the answer.” It’s as allusive as the men you are dating. Either they have all their –ish together, but feel they are God’s gift to the world and that you should bow down and kiss their feet and a**, or they ain’t –ish, ain’t about –ish, and ain’t got –ish.  Some are jerks, a**holes, and whores. And, some are well, just wannabe thugs, gangsters, and bad boys. SMDH! But, be thankful they are not all like that. There are some good ones in the midst of these monstrous idiots. You just have to be patience, diligent, and wide-eyed.

So, there is hope. Oh, yes! There is hope. Despite the tragic landfill of hopeless romantic love we have to traverse, we all do find love eventually. And, it takes patience, time, and a whole lot of energy. So, strap in and welcome to the wonderful world of dating!

Now, I appreciate a good girl such as yourself who is committed to her morals and values. That is a wonderful attribute to have. Don’t sell yourself short, and don’t forget to always put yourself first. Don’t let a man play you for second, third, or fourth. Don’t let him make you an option, when you are a priority. Know your worth! You don’t have to bend over for a man who is not willing to bend over for you.

I also appreciate that you are in school, furthering yourself, and that you are active on campus. You have God in your life, and you seem to be committed to protecting your temple (your body), and not getting caught up in some boy whispering in your ear how much he loves you, and wants you. It’s obvious you can see through all their lies, games, and bull-ish! Stay focused, and stay true to yourself and your values and morals. You have a lot going for you, and you don’t need some knucklehead coming along trying to disrupt your life, goals, and aspirations. Stay focused!

But, I did notice one thing that stood out in your letter. You stated, “I really try to be a friend and be there for everyone and be a decent girl you could take home to your parents, but I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.” And, that is what I feel you are doing wrong.

You are so busy trying to be what you think other folks want you to be that you are not being true and authentic to yourself. Stop trying to be everyone’s friend and the type of friend you think they want you to be. That will get old and tiring. You’re trying to please too many folks, and you start becoming all these different parts of yourself instead of being your whole authentic self. Just be you, and if they like you for who you are, then they like you. When you’re trying to please everyone, and trying to be who you think folks want you to be then you will find yourself being one way with one friend, another way with your other friends, and a whole other person with other friends. Just be you!

Then, you said that you want to be a, “decent girl that you could take home to your parents.” Uhm, sweetie, don’t get it twisted, you are the type of girl guys want to take home. Therefore, you don’t have to try or work at being decent. You are the good decent girl. Chile, you got it going on, and you are doing the damn thing. Therefore, the guys you are meeting get a rude awakening because they assume or have an idea about you. But, once they get to know you they realize, “Oh snap! She is not like the other girls. She really is a good girl. She really is nice, and cool. But, I want to see if I can turn her out. I want to see if I can be the one to break her, and get her in the bed.” And, once they realize that you are not falling for the ole okey doke, and you’re not going to play their games, they give up, move on, and look for their next easy lay.

You have to understand that you are young. Guys who are young, in college, and have never seen so many pretty girls in one place have a difficult time because it’s like a candy store for them. (Pardon the analogy). But, they want to try every piece of candy ALL AT ONCE! So, they want to sleep with as many girls as they possibly can. And, when you give them a run for their money, they realize they have to put on their best face, and put their best foot forward. They don’t want to work too hard to get your goodies, your love, and your mind.

So, be glad and thankful. These guys are all lessons, experiences, and preparation for when the real man, and the real love of your life shows up. You will be able to recognize him, and he will recognize and appreciate you. Therefore, I say date, have fun, enjoy yourself, attend a few parties, and make these college years fun and exciting. You don’t have to bed or sleep with any of these guys. Just go out, have fun, and continue to let them know that you are not about that “freak ‘em life.” And, the real guys who are really interested will get to know you and want to spend more time with you. They will reveal themselves, and it may be the most unlikely of guys.

Stop stressing if and when you will meet “the guy,” and why you haven’t met him yet. You’re still young, and trust me when I tell you that there will be plenty of men coming at you once you leave school. You will have to beat them off. LOL! But, maintain your goals, morals, standards, values, and wits about yourself, and know that a man who is worthy of your time, energy, mind, body, and soul will soon come. And, you will know it from the moment you meet him. He will treat you like the lady, woman, and queen that you are. Continue to trust and know that God will always be with you and guide you, your heart, and your mind, including the man for you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Mogul      Hiding In Hip-Hop cover     Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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