Dear Bossip: We’re Both Divorcees, But For The Past 7 Years He’s Treated Me Like A Doormat

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Black man sorry

Dear Bossip,

I met a guy when I was divorced in 2005, but we started texting and talking in 2006.

Then, I started going over his house and spending time with him. I would spend about 2 or 3 days a week over at his house. We would go out to dinners, movies, and do other things in general. Well, after about 6 or 7 months I asked him where this was going to go with him and I.  He stated he was divorced in 2005 or so. He made a comment that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship at that time. I respected his decision since we where both fresh out of divorces.

As time went by, we still continued to see each other. After about a year or so I realized that he was having other women come over his house to see him. I mentioned it to him and he got mad and we stopped talking for a about a month or so. Then, he called me to have me come back over his house again. I started seeing him again. To make this semi-short, I have stopped talking to him for one month the first time. Then, for one year the second time, and a year and a half the third time. Every time I stop talking to him, and move on with my life, he comes back and text me to say, “Hi.” Then, he always ask me to come back over his house.

I have stated to him over-and-over again that he doesn’t know how to treat me when I’m with him. It’s now 2013 and I feel I have moved on, but why does he feel that he can keep coming back to me when it’s beneficial for him?

I’m a nice person/woman and I know that I deserve better. I don’t like being treated like a doormat/rotation for a man. I would like to know from a man’s point of view why is it that a man will keep pursing you even though they are not serious about wanting to be with you? – He’s Undecided

Dear Ms. He’s Undecided,

Ma’am, chile, I swear! You all know the damn answers to your own questions, but you refuse to acknowledge the little bit of sense you have. You wrote at the end of your letter that you don’t like being treated like a doormat/rotation for a man, and you know that you deserve better, however, you keep allowing this man entrée into your life! I mean, come on, girl! For real?!!?! And, he told you from the beginning that he was not looking for a serious a relationship. Please stop lying on your back, and get up and pick up your dusty blonde wig off the floor. People can only do to you what you allow them to do to you!

Let’s see here, and I’m going to be honest with you sweetie. This man is not pursuing you he is pursuing your snatch. He just wants to blow out your back every once and a while, and keep you in rotation like the rest of his women. He is not serious about you. Never was. Never will be. He spit game, you played your piece, he moved his, and then the game continued. And, unfortunately this game has been going on for 7 years. Seven long a** years, and you’re still stuck on the first three moves. SMDH! Girl, it’s time to move on and play another game with another man. This game is old and tiring.

He keeps coming back and forth into your life because you allow him to. You let him come back and forth because you are a doormat. You are part of his rotation, and until you stop laying down, answering his calls, and responding to his texts then he will leave you alone. What is so difficult about telling someone to leave you the hell alone? What is so hard about letting this man know that you are done? It’s over. Stop calling. Stop texting. Hell, don’t say, “Hi,” to me when you see me, just walk by like you don’t even see me. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

He keeps playing this game with you because you like the game. You enjoy being chased, and pursued. You enjoy being in this drama with him, and he knows that every time he calls that you’re going to give him some lip service about what you need, what you deserve, and why can’t he do and be better. And, in actuality, all he hears is, “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Then, he tells you to come over so he can make it up to you, and you run your hot a** over to his house to spread your legs and repeat the foolish trite and old scenario over and over again. Birds will be birds.

If he told you that he was not interested in a serious relationship from the beginning, then let me break that down for you. HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. But, you continued sleeping with him because you were hoping for something more. You wanted to get him to see the good woman that you are and to settle down with you. Ma’am, you and so many get caught up in this trap, especially when a man says he’s not interested in a serious relationship. You go with the flow, but catch feelings, and then wonder why he won’t settle down with you. Why won’t he just be with you, and only you. Then, you get mad, upset, and angry with him. When in actuality, you can’t be mad at anyone but yourself.

So, if you really want him out of your life, then don’t respond to him. Find yourself a new man. Move on with your life. Get a hobby. Join a group. Just do something to keep yourself busy, and preoccupied. Therefore when he calls or texts, you don’t have time to worry yourself about him, and responding to him.

But, what’s sad about all of this is that ever since 2006 you’ve known this man isn’t, wasn’t, and ain’t –ish. Yet, you continued to sleep with him. Hoping for something. Hoping he would change and see how good of a woman, and person you are. Ma’am, SMDH, he doesn’t care that you are a good woman or person. He just wants to smash and freak! He just wants some a**. He is a hoe. It’s 2013 and you’re still doing and repeating the same –ish over and over again. You are the crazy one! He’s shown you who he is. Believe him!!! Damn! I swear you d**k thirsty women will keep drinking from these men’s nut sacs and remain stuck on stupid.

He is not the end all and be all. He is not the only man in world, your community, or your city. Go out and find you some other men to date. Have fun. Enjoy yourself and stop thinking about him. He is not and will not settle down, well, he won’t do it with you. MOVE ON, and KEEP MOVING ON! If you stop responding to him, and giving him access into your life, then, boo boo, he can’t and won’t keep coming back and forth into your life. Change your wigs, change your outfits, and change your looks. Looking like a damn clown with all that red lipstick and red blush on your cheeks. Change your appearance, attitude, and mentality, and you will see a new person emerge. It’s time for a new you, and to stop repeating this pattern. Grow the hell up! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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