Dear Bossip: I’m Conflicted – I’m In Love With My Man But He’s Locked Up & I Have Feelings For My BFF, A Girl

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Black woman embarrassed

Dear Bossip,

I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together 8 months, but he’s been locked up 4 of those months.

I’ve been by his side every day since. He still has 12 more months to go. I do plan on being there for him. I don’t plan on going anywhere. Things are starting to change though. He’s always asking for money, which he’s my man and I don’t mind giving him anything he needs, but at the same time, hell, I have my life and my own bills that are going to get paid first and foremost.

Just like other guys in jail he says when he gets out we’re getting married and going to start a family together. I’m moving to New Orleans in the next few days for work and he’s locked up in Alabama. I want him to come to me when he gets out so we can get our lives together. If God plans it! At the end of the day, I’m like do I want to really do this or not. I’m making plans on getting us a house together and starting things for us. I’m nowhere near my selfish self right now. I’m actually thinking about him and us. Our lives.

Honestly, I have cheated on him once since he’s been locked up. That was just a one-time fling though. Actually, a waste of time because the d**k wasn’t even good at all. I’m not a cheater and haven’t cheated since. I haven’t even talked to another guy. I really do love him with all of my heart. I’m in love with him. We were friends 5 five years prior to getting together, but I’m thinking now is this really what I want.

All of my friends judge me and say I’m better than that being with an incarcerated dude, but you can’t help who you love. He wants to leave the streets alone and get his life on track. But, it’s still that should I question in my head. My heart, emotions, and love is in this dude. I cry for him because I love him. I’m the most unemotional person I know and for me to care and cry for him, It’s crazy!

The story isn’t over, there’s more. I also have this best friend. She’s a girl that I honestly have bi-sexual feelings for her. I’ve never liked women. I’ve liked d**k all my life and I always will. I’ve never tried a “bi,” but my best friend it’s something about her that I love. I am sexually attracted to her for some reason. I tell her everything about my life. She’s my best friend that’s what we do. The feelings I have I don’t know where the “F” they came from, and I don’t know what to do about it. She doesn’t know what she wants in life. I think she has bi- curious feelings too. She’s never had a boyfriend. She’s never had sex and she’s 23 years old. She acts lesbionic, so flags are being thrown.

I don’t know whether to tell her how I really feel or just let it go. I have in few words asked would she let a girl freak her and in short words she eased by the answer. I don’t know what to do about these 2 situations. I’m in love with my man and in bi-curios love with my BFF. I’m only 22 years old with a bright future and I don’t want to mess it up. Help me! – Ms. Confused

Dear Ms. Confused,

Chile, SMDH! I….sigh….Why, oh, dear lawd, why?!?!

Someone please explain or tell me what is “Lesbionic,” and if that is a lesbian who is bionic?

Ma’am, I simply can’t with you.

See, this is why the mind is a terrible thing to waste. You are so focused on the wrong things, and unfortunately you will continue to repeat this pattern in your life over and over again. And, this perpetual cycle will hinder you, and prevent you from seeking your full potential.

To be very clear: You are a sexual deviant. I can tell by your letter, and the underlying tone of which it reeks. The terms and phrases around sex, sexuality, and the performance of sex says a lot about you, and your preoccupation with it. I’m just pointing that out, first.

You claim that you’re in a “relationship” with someone who is locked up; a man in prison who has been convicted of a crime. And, you’re bragging about staying by his side, putting money on his books, and entertaining the idea of starting a family with him. This same man who has another year to do on his sentence, yet, you’ve already cheated on him with some other dude, and are thinking of sleeping with your BFF to satisfy your bi-curious tendencies? Some ride or die chick you turned out to be! SMDH! Someone has left the gate open because the donkeys and jackasses are running rampant.

First, let’s be clear about something: You are not in a relationship with him. If he’s been locked up for four months out of the eight months you’ve been together, then, boo boo, a relationship you do not have. How the hell can you claim a relationship with someone and half of the time they’ve been in prison? And, it’s only been months? Chile, your grandmother needs to get a good switch from the bushes and wear you out! Sit your a** down and have several seats on the short yellow bus. The hell is wrong with you!?! And, put your damn helmet on. I don’t want you messing up the leather on the seats.

Next, your entire letter is all about sex. The whack sex you had when you cheated on your “boyfriend,” and the hopeful sex you want to engage in with your BFF, who is a girl. Why are you so focused on sex and not school? Why not spend the energy on something more productive like really working on you, changing your life, healing yourself, and furthering yourself with school, or some other positive outlets? Sex is all you are concerned and thinking about. You need to get to the root of why you think sex is equated with like or love. And, why are you using sex as an escape mechanism. What are you running from? What are you trying to escape? Why are you using sex to deal with the emotional and mental problems you have?

Yes, you have mental and emotional problems. If you think you have a relationship with a man who is locked up, then something is wrong with you mentally. You don’t think you’re a cheater, yet, you cheated on him and he’s only been locked up for four months. Yeah, that is something mental. Then, you are having sexual thoughts and desires for your BFF, and you don’t know where they came from. Then, you claim you love your “boyfriend,” and will be by his side and you are not going anywhere, yet, your confusion about whether or not if you really want to be with him, and if you should do this with him are clear signs that something is wrong with you mentally and emotionally.

But, let me back up a minute. You are moving to New Orleans for your job, but you want your locked up boyfriend to come live with you once he is released in a year. You are going to find a house, and get things ready and in order for him because you said you are thinking about, “our lives.” You ain’t got no damn life together! And, why would you be getting things in order for a man who needs to be doing for himself? Chile, we can all see how this is going to end, and where it’s going. You’re going to end up as another tragic hood rat story gone wrong.

And, look here, sweetie, you contradict yourself twice in the letter because you say, “Do I really want to do this or not?” And, “But I’m really thinking is this really what I want.” Yet, you claim you love him. Uhm, Sha’quashay De-jon-ay Jenkins, you don’t love him. You don’t want him. He just sexed you real good, and you’re not sure if you can hold out until he gets out.

In the meantime, you’re considering jumping on your BFF because you can’t explain your sexual desires for her. Do you see and notice the pattern of sexual deviancy that is playing out in your life? You are preoccupied with sex. You claim that you’ve liked, “d**k all my life, and always will.” And, yet, you are interested in lesbian sex with your BFF. So, no matter how you get it, where you get it, and whom you get it from, sex fulfills something for you.

What’s missing in your life? What are you hoping to fulfill? What emptiness do you feel, and you want to fill?

Find yourself a spiritual counselor, and a spiritual institution, and begin to spiritually cleanse yourself. Also, find a therapist, or locate a counselor you can speak with about your life, your past, and what happened to you as a child. There is a bigger issue at hand, and you need to get to the root of this in order to heal yourself, and the preoccupation with your sexual thoughts and ideation. Then, enroll in school, further your education, and leave the boyfriend in jail alone. He cannot do anything for you. He is there for another year. Why would you send him your hard earned money? He put himself in there, then let him figure out how to take care of himself while he’s there. He is not going to get out and marry you. And, he is not going to move to New Orleans to be with you. Trust me when I tell you this. In regards to your BFF, leave her alone. You are projecting your sexual desires onto her. She has not told you, or confirmed she is a lesbian. Nor has she initiated any sexual advances toward you. Therefore, instead of assuming she is a lesbian, or bi-sexual, you need to be working on yourself and figuring out why you are having these sexual thoughts and desires for her. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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