Dear Bossip: We Met Through An App & After We Were Intimate I Learned We Were In His Girl’s House

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Young black woman texting

Dear Bossip,

I met this guy on an online dating site about 4 months ago. He initiated contact and we started chatting through an app called Kik.

He’d send messages like, “I need you in my life,” and would say he really wants to see/meet me. After a few weeks we decided to meet up. He came to meet me and we walked to a nearby park and talked for an hour or so. On the way back to my house he got a little touchy feely. Since I was attracted to him as well I returned the affection and we had an intense make-out session for a good 30 minutes. After we finished he headed home.

Because of my unpredictable work schedule and late hours we weren’t able to see each other for another couple of weeks. This time I went to him and we really got a chance to talk. We went out to dinner and that’s where I got to see his true personality. He didn’t believe in tipping the waiter and said he’s so good-looking he feels the guy waiters hit on him sometimes. That was a major turn off in my book. Then, on the car ride home he proceeded to play rap music, and he rapped along to his own horrible rap songs (He’s an aspiring part-time rapper). I hated every song and was very vocal about it.

After all of that we get back to his apartment and just chilled outside in my car. We eventually had sex — twice, in the backseat. It was really good, but I immediately regretted it.  Weeks go by and we maintained contact. Since I was trying to hold on to some of my dignity; I wouldn’t agree to meet up with him on his turf. If he wanted to see me, he’d have to come to me. Knowing if he came here to me then we wouldn’t have sex (We had nowhere to do it, I stay with my mom).

The cat and mouse game of, “come see me,” went on about a week until he just stopped hitting me up. Fast forward two months later, and he randomly texts me. He was on the same, “I wanna see you. Come to me,” tip. I still held my ground and wouldn’t budge. He said he’d come take me to eat and then when I told him the place, I got no response. I didn’t sweat it and never sent him another text. Of course 2 weeks go by and he’s back. This time he’s on a new approach. He said he wanted to “talk” to me and was dying to see me. I told him I wasn’t going to him so he finally said, “F” it, I’ll come to you.

He came to pick me up and he had his car hood up. He looked embarrassed and said his car had been messing up for a few weeks. Maybe that’s why he wouldn’t come? On the way to wherever we were going we talked about Christmas and cute stuff. Right as we were exiting the freeway his car completely went out. We were stranded about 4 miles from his house. I called friends, but eventually the only people who came were my dad and brother. Awkward. At this point, I had accepted I just wanted him for sex and never intended on him meeting my family.

We all talked while we waited for a tow truck and I loved their interaction. They weren’t supposed to meet and I thought this was a sign for something. I went home with my family and we kept texting for the next few days. Since I officially had a crush on him and thought it could turn into more I really tried to work in seeing him in my schedule. We kept missing each other and finally got it together. I went to his house around 10am because I worked later in the day and I really wanted to see him. Seeing him instantly brought a smile to my face. We got in the house and right away I noticed a small love seat and one bedroom. He said he was staying with his god-sister since he was in between places. I know he wasn’t sleeping on the hard-a** wood floors and he stands at 6’5. No way he could fit on the couch comfortably. Something wasn’t right.

We had sex and I started looking at pictures. There were none of him but tons of a girl. Now, let’s back-up to when we started talking on the website; I definitely searched him on Facebook. He had pictures up of himself and a girl (his “ex”) kissing. He said they were done and he wasn’t on Facebook like that. I saw her page and she still had pictures up as well, but this was 3 months ago and I’ve gotten rid of Facebook since then.

Back to now. The girl in all of the pictures was his ex. My heart dropped. We were in this woman’s house, having sex on her furniture. I felt disgusted. I asked again who she was and he still said god-sister. I wasn’t about to have him lie in my face so I told him I know who she is and it’s “F’d”up that he’s doing this. I’m a calm low drama chick so I didn’t yell. I simply told him I knew and just wanted to hear it from his mouth.

He finally admitted it, but said they were no longer together. But, he has keys and stays there every once in a while. It hurt. I felt he was leaving things out so I said I’m going home. He didn’t want me to leave but I couldn’t believe this was really happening. We had really rough sex after and I deemed it as my “F” for the road. He went to the bathroom and I got my –ish and said deuces. He ran out and asked if this was goodbye forever? I said yes and dramatically made my exit. On the way home, I cried, a lot. I thought he had potential but I was wrong and it hurt.

I don’t plan on talking, texting or seeing him after that day, but my mind started going back to before I found out about this girl. He was supposed to be a booty call. Am I dumb for almost catching feelings? Should I eventually hit him up when I need some? I’m lost. Don’t know if it matters, but I’m 24, he’s 22. – Young and Dumb

Dear Ms. Young and Dumb,

Today, right now, delete your KIK account. It’s useless, and you will continue to fall into trap of meeting guys online, hooking up with them and having random sexual encounters, praying and hoping one of them will be the right guy and you two live happily ever after. It’s not going to happen.

Why would you hit him up when he lied to you? Why would you return and repeat a pattern of mistrust, deceit, and lies? Just because you want some sex? Because you can’t control yourself, and your impulses and need to feel desired and wanted make you have random sex with guys you don’t really know. You don’t know him. You know nothing about him. He’s a part-time rapper, and he’s not even good at it, and he’s a horrible tipper. He thinks his good looks will give him a pass, and he knows that guys like him, thus, he allows himself to objectified to further his own gain. So, if he will allow guys to ogle him, then I’m sure he will do “other” things with guys to get what he needs. Let that marinate.

But, I want you to notice that you both are sexually repressed, and using an online app to meet up. Neither of you respect your body, and you don’t even respect yourselves. Refer back to the previous paragraph about him allowing himself to be objectified. Then, you two had sex in your car, twice. Oh, and even after you discovered he lived with his girl you still had sex on her furniture. What respect do you have for yourself? And, he clearly doesn’t respect his girlfriend or you. HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOUR BODY. You are just another girl he is using for sex.

This guy is arrogant, self-absorbed, and has nothing going for him. He thinks his good looks will compensate for his lackluster rap skills. NOT! He uses his looks as a way to get what he wants, and women fall for it. That’s why he has a broke down piece of –ish for a car, living with his girlfriend, and probably doesn’t have a job. He’s a manipulator, and he knows he has nothing else to bring to the table, so using his looks is his way to compensate for his lack. SMDH! Girl, get over him. He’s a bum!

You have a father and brother, both of them came to your rescue after this useless bed buddy’s car broke down. I wondered, why is she running after men? What is she looking for? She has a brother and a father she can talk to, and who she can reach out to. There is something deeper at play with you. You have a job, a car, making money, and you live with your mom. You seem to a have sense of self, and you made him come to you, and you attempted to create some boundaries. Hmmm, could it be possible that you don’t love yourself? You don’t love your body, or appreciate how you look. You don’t think you’re good enough. Maybe, and just maybe, you don’t think you’re pretty enough, and you are so enamored by his good looks and body that you are wondering how and why this good looking guy is interested in you. So, you are rationing your body to him equating like with sex.

No, don’t call him. He has a girlfriend. He lives with his girlfriend. He doesn’t respect her, which means he doesn’t respect you. If he will have sex with you in her house and on her furniture, then he is a low dirty dog, and he doesn’t care anything about anyone but himself. He’s trifling, immature, and silly. Do yourself a favor and delete his number, delete him, and delete that app. Focus on building yourself, empowering you, and celebrating you. You have a job, a care, a family who loves you, and some sense. Go back to school. Educate yourself and work on building your mind. Once you build your self-esteem, realize your own beauty, recognize your worth and value, then a real man will present himself, and he will see you for more than your body. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
 
Mogul   Hiding In Hip-Hop cover   Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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