I really enjoy your articles and I am hoping that you can help me. My dad has not been in my life for many years due to issues with him and my mom.
He finally had found my mom by chance when I was 14 years old. His wife was always nervous that him and my mom may reconcile, so she never took the chance to get to know me. I eventually got tired of her trying to destroy our relationship so at 18 years old I stopped speaking to my dad.
I had gotten married to a loser who beat me and cheated on me the whole 6 years we were together. I eventually stood up for myself and took our children and moved to another state with my mom who forced me and my dad to speak, even though I didn’t want to. But, I listened to my mom and we reconciled our relationship for 6 months because I guess he had better things to do than to try to mend our relationship. So, we fell out again.
A few years later he reached out to my mom and I remained adamant in not speaking with him, but again I let my mom get to me and I said I will speak to him. Our relationship was finally a father/daughter relationship at 26 years old.
Present Day: I don’t keep many friends in my circle, but I managed to put my trust in one female, a really good friend of mine. I have been there for her in some pretty tragic situations. One night we went out and took a picture that I posted on FB. My dad kept going on about how pretty she was and for over a year they would make jokes back and forth about being with each other. I never thought it was funny and after a whole year I finally told my dad in a very stern tone that he needs to stop flirting with my friend because she kept making jokes on social media and to other friends that my dad is always in her inbox. To which he replies, “She’s inboxing me too.” He then apologized that it had gotten that far and it seemed like she was all about a dollar and said he was going to “teach her a lesson about being a gold digger.” Which basically let me know he was going to continue to talk to her.
So, I sat back, hurt; analyzing the whole thing. They thought it was funny to be joking and laughing while she would be sitting next to me, all the while they’re talking. I blocked my friend and my dad off of all social networking links and out of my phone. Not before telling both of them how betrayed I felt. I spoke to a friend of mine who said my dad and my friend are both grown and I should mind my business. So, am I wrong for feeling betrayed by them? Or am I just over reacting? Should I mind my business and let them be? – My Dad and Best Friend
Dear Ms. My Dad and Best Friend,
WOW! So, your dad is “trying” to hook up with your best friend. And, your “best friend” is flirting with your dad looking to collect his SSI check. SMDH! LOL! Just joking.
Welp, like your other friend said to you, they are both grown and you should mind your business. They are consenting adults. They don’t need your permission on dating, sexing, or whatever they are doing. They are grown. And, if your best friend feels she wants some senior citizen ding-a-ling, and your dad wants some young coochie, then you are not going to stop them. They are going to hook-up and do them, despite your requests, demands, and wishes. That train has already left the station. Now, it’s just a matter of time of when they will hook-up, where, and how. Hell, they may already be freaking each other.
I understand that you’re upset and angry that your dad and best friend are publicly flirting with one another, and making you look bad and embarrassing you. And, they are ignoring the rule between parents and best friends about hooking up: Thou shall not hook-up, freak, sex, look at intimately, engage in intimate conversations, and become friends on social media. Yes, morally and ethically, it’s bad judgment. It’s reckless, and irresponsible. They lack tact, and any form of common decency.
Your dad and best friend should consider the repercussions behind their actions in not only what will happen after it ends between them and the fallout that may ensue, but how this may affect their own individual relationships with you. They are not thinking of how or what this is doing to you. They are caught up in their own feelings, lusty loins, and freeing their sexual desires on each other. And, that is inconsiderate. But, again, they are grown, and they can do whatever they want to do.
However, let’s address the bigger issue. The problem is the underlying issue you have with your dad. You have had this tumultuous and rocky relationship with your dad for the most part of your life. He’s been in and out of your life, not really there, and when he’s been present you still held some resentment toward him. So, now when you two have finally gotten on track to this father/daughter relationship in your adult life he does the unthinkable. He is trying to hook-up with your best friend. The one other person you trust. The one other person you’ve allowed into your life, and felt some bond with.
Honestly, I feel you still harbor resentment toward your dad that you’ve never really resolved. And, you truly haven’t fully allowed yourself to love him because you know, think, and feel he will do something to walk out on you and leave again. You are waiting for the moment that he will mess up so you can be right in your judgment about him that he is no-good, trifling, and can’t be trusted. You are waiting for the opportunity to point your little girl finger at him, because you are still the little girl inside who is hurt by his actions, and you can stomp your feet, pout, and yell at him that he is hurting you and deserting you once again. And, all you really want is to be daddy’s little girl.
You want him to be there for you like the imaginary daddy you’ve created in your head. The one who is there for you, loves you, caters to you, cares for you, showers you with affection, and protects you. But, in reality this is not your dad. He is not that man. So, you have to learn how to accept him for who he is. Stop making him the man you want him to be. Stop trying to create this imaginary dad and fit him into your real dad. He is who he is, who he’s always been, and will continue to be. Either you accept that, or you will always hold resentment and anger toward him.
Yes, your friend should respect the boundaries of your friendship and respect your feelings. But, this is a valuable lesson to learn. She is not your friend. If she was, then she would respect you, your feelings, and your friendship. She would know it’s inappropriate to be flirting, talking, and communicating with your dad and trying to hook-up. But, she is not your friend.
You did the right thing by deleting both of them from your social media, and out of your phone. But, to be angry and mad is not going to do anything or prevent them from hooking up. They are going to do it regardless. All you can do is try to reconcile with your dad. You have to heal your relationship with him in order that you heal your life. It’s time that you be real with him, tell him the truth about how you feel, what he’s done to you, and how it’s made you feel. And, then you have to start learning how to accept him for who he is. – Terrance Dean
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