Dear Bossip: Initially He Wanted A Relationship & I Wanted To Take Things Slow, Now I Want More & He’s Taking It Slow

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Black man confused

Dear Bossip,

I met a guy 9 months ago and after a few weeks of spending time together he suggested that we become a couple.

I assumed it was too fast and wanted to take things slow, but he claimed that he knew what he wanted. We were at his house one day and before I knew it one thing led to the other. Now, I am confused because I developed feelings for him that were so intense after we became intimate. We still talk and spend time together, but it’s all on me now. After telling him how I felt, he swore it was all in my head.

I never intended to develop those feelings that were so intense, but because we were already intimate he expected it all the time. I felt that our relationship was becoming only based on sex so I told him I needed a break. After a few months I decided that I missed him and was a little horny so again it became that all we were intimate, and again I cut him off. A few months later he called me and said he wanted to spend time with me and that he missed me. I told him no and that I wanted more. I wanted a commitment. This has been confusing because we are always finding our way back to each other.

This weekend I called him again and explained that I missed him and that I was ready for a commitment. He said we should take things day by day and see where it goes. As usual we ended up in the bed. What confused me even more was that although he said let’s take it day by day he took the condom off and for the first time we did not use protection. I am not on birth control so I am very worried.

I think I am in love with him and I do not want to be with anyone else. I feel that I should have committed to him when he asked initially, but I didn’t. My friends say that I should just give him time and I am willing to do that, but I want him so badly now and I am hoping that I am not pregnant. Please Advise. – Lost and Confused

Dear Ms. Lost and Confused,

Yes, you are lost and confused. See, you playing games and nobody has time to play these childish a** games with you. Either you want a relationship or you don’t. Either you want a commitment or you don’t.

And, why the hell are you having unprotected sex!!?!! I don’t get it. You’re not on birth control, and you felt so comfortable with him that you allowed him to lay up in you raw? Where is your damn common sense? It’s obvious you don’t have any. You’re just like you signed your letter LOST AND CONFUSED!

You and this back and forth with this guy. Sheesh! No wonder he says he wants to take it day by day. You don’t know what you want. So, instead of committing to you, he is simply following your lead, and giving you exactly what you want – SEX.

You have defined and shaped this relationship into what it is. It is based on sex because that is what you want. You keep saying you want a commitment, however, when you are together it only results in a sexual relationship. You’re both complicit in this, but, early on he told you that he wanted a relationship and you are the one who said no.

Now, if this guy was ready to commit and be a relationship, and then you say no, but you continue sleeping with him, then what do you think he will expect and think of you and the relationship? He will assume that that’s all you want. You keep ending things with him, but, yet you keep coming back for sex. Hmmmm….do you see this pattern?

You keep saying that you want more with him, yet, every time YOU take a break from him, when you two get back together it involves sex. So, if every time you take a break, to figure things out, to get yourself together, to find out who you are and what you want, he just sits back and waits on you to call because you always do. Or, he will call you. And, you begin this pattern again.

The real question you should be asking is what do you want? What is it about him that you are reluctant to commit to?  You say you want a commitment, but, when you are together it’s all on you. Well, don’t you think this could be because your relationship is a back and forth, up and down rollercoaster ride. One minute things are intense and you really want to be with him, sexing him, and ready to commit, and the next you want a break because it’s too intense, and you don’t want it to be sexual. That is confusing. There is something holding you back. There is something about him that’s keeping you from being honest and truthful with him, and yourself. So, what is it?

Early on he told you that he knew what he wanted, and it was to be with you. He was ready for a relationship. But, you told him no. You told him that you wanted to take things slow, but you continued to sleep with him. So, why did you want to take things slow? What red flag did you notice? What’s going on in your life, or with you that you not ready to commit to a relationship? Are you sure you want to be with him, or do you just want him for sex and are afraid to say that?

At some point you’re going to have to be real with yourself, tell yourself the truth, and be honest with both you and he. Eventually, he will get tired of this game, and while you’re trying to figure out what you want, and if you’re really ready to commit to him, he will find himself another woman who is ready, and she will gladly take him off your hands.

I suggest you make a list of his attributes. What do you like about him. What do you enjoy about him. What is he bringing to the table that enhances you, empowers you, uplifts you, and inspires you. Then make a list of things you don’t like about him. What is that annoying thing, or red flag about him that prevents you from really committing to him. If your positives outweigh the negatives, then you and he should sit down and really discuss what you both want from a relationship. What expectations do you both have, and can either of you commit to those expectations.

If the list has more negatives, then he is not the man for you. If that red flag is persistent, then take heed and move on. Stop playing this game of lost and confused. He is not doing anything, it’s you who is bringing all this confusion and drama to the relationship. He is only following your lead. Be real with yourself about what you want, what you need, and what it is you want from him. If he can’t give you that, then it’s time to end this back and forth, and move on from him. Because the only thing you have with him right now is a steady sexual relationship.

And, if you want a sexual relationship, then be honest about it. Tell yourself and him the truth that is what you want. But, don’t be having raw and unprotected sex with him. Use protection always. And, if you continue this sexual relationship with him, then you and he should get tested together. Don’t allow yourself to play this dangerous game of unprotected sex with someone else – Terrance Dean  

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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