Dear Bossip: Am I Being Played Because We Are In A Relationship, But I Only See Him Once A Month?

Dear Bossip,

Okay, I love your blog. You’re straight to the point and funny while being honest. So here goes.

I lived in a small 8 unit apartment complex for a year and a handsome guy lived directly above me. I never thought of flirting with him because I thought it would be a bad idea to attempt to date someone who lived so close. Plus, I was more than sure he was dating at least one person already if not more from the traffic in and out of his place.

Anyway, we bump into each other in the laundry room and begin to chat. I find out that he is going overseas in 3 weeks. He was in the service. He said he was selling his furniture and offered to show it to me. To make a long story longer, he ended up selling it to me for a couple hundred bucks. It was a great deal, and he helped my son move the items. A couple of flat screen TVs, nice furniture, etc.

I cooked him dinner a couple times before he left to go overseas. One night prior to him leaving, I decided to help “SUPPORT” the troops and we had sex. I liked him, but figured he was leaving and I would never see him again, thus no worries about “what he thought of me.”

Believe it or not we stayed in touch the 2 years he was overseas and we would “hang out” when he made it back home.

Upon him actually coming back to the states, he is now out of the service but still traveling because of a new job, we continued to “hang out.” I, of course, got more attached, or at least showed it. He would go missing for 3 to 5 days and blame it on work. I would say, “Oh, they don’t have phones in D.C., or where ever?” He gave me the, “You deserve better” talk, and I said then do better.

Three months goes by with a repeat episode. Obviously, he was dating more than me and I wanted more. So, I pulled the, “I’m done with you,” voicemail, and I can’t take this anymore crying and what not. He said he cared about me, but that I was bringing too much drama to the table. I explained that he can’t act like he is in love for months then disappear for a week and think it’s okay.

We argued and what started out as him saying he’s done and not going to deal with me turns into him asking me what I want. I explain to him that I want him to act right, and to return my texts or calls reasonably. I told him to say if he wants a relationship, or say were just friends, or just leave me alone. And, I explained he can’t do parts of all three. He said okay, and that he wanted a relationship.

Fast forward to today. We talk more, text more, but seeing him is hard. When he is in town he says he is dealing with family issues and their needs because of him being away. So, let’s say in a month I see him once overnight.

I just don’t believe that a guy who really cared about me could stand to only see me once in a month. I understand you have stuff to do. When I go home (out of state to visit my family I know how it is to have your time pulled from you un a million directions), but you’re gone for 3 weeks for work, and I see you one day, or a few minutes? What are the chances that he is not seeing other women? And, should I even care?

I have had some health issues and he has continually checked in on me via phone and stated he is worried about me. I do believe he cares about me, I just don’t know whether I’m wasting my time. Do I just need to ease up and see what happens or continue to wonder why no overnight stays? If so, then go handle your business. We are both 40 years old, so we’re old enough to know better. But, I’m not usually jealous. I just don’t know if I’m tucked away in layaway while he is out pollinating the greater United States. Do I wait it out or move on?

I should add there are months where he is home 3 weeks and only gone for a week. His time home varies, and phone interaction increases, but face-to-face time is still very weak. But when we talk on the phone or when I do see him in person he is so caring and attentive. – Waiting On Him

Dear Ms. Waiting On Him,

Desperation reeks from your letter. You’re so desperate and thirsty for a man that you are creating this drama and havoc in your life by accepting a piece of a man who only spends one night a month with you.

Do you understand that you are entertaining a man who only spends one night with you a month, and you are satisfied with that? You have allowed yourself to be suckered into a so-called relationship because he was tired of hearing you yap with your gums about what you wanted, so, he agrees to give you what you want, but still keeps you where he needs you: A ONCE A MONTH BED BUDDY CHICK!

Damn! You can’t even see what’s so plainly obvious, and you’re constantly creating this delusional relationship for what? To say you have a man? To say you snagged this man whom you only saw as a fling? Yeah, remember when you started your letter and when you said that you were eyeing him, but didn’t want to get involved? But, you found a convenient opportunity to sleep with him once you discovered he was leaving to go overseas, and thought you would never see him again. The hoe in you showed your true colors, and now it’s coming back to bite you in the a**.

You said early on that you noticed he was seeing someone, if not more women, and that he had different people coming in and out of his place. So, if you noticed this when he lived above you, then what makes you think he has changed since his time overseas and he is back home permanently? Why would he stop his behaviors if that is what is he has shown you from the beginning? I truly don’t understand some of you women. You will see a man being a hoe, having different women with him, and sleeping around, yet, you will pursue him and try to make him settle down with you. Donkey and bird behavior never ceases to amaze me.

Ma’am, you are a trick. You tricked yourself out when you wanted to “Support” the troops and slept with him. You didn’t want his furniture when you conveniently bumped into him in the laundry room. You wanted him. So, you played yourself by buying his furniture, cooking him dinner, and then spread your legs for him as he was leaving and you figured you would not see him again.

Hold up now, because I want you to see just how you tricked yourself out, and revealed your hoe-ish tendencies. You put all this effort into trying to get this man. You bought his furniture, cooked dinner for him, and let him know that you were available to him (spread your legs) as he was leaving to go defend our country. However, he did nothing! Nada! Zilch! He didn’t pursue you, he didn’t go after you, nor did he initiate the interest. He just sat back and watched you play yourself, just like the many other women who have done the same thing that you have done. This is a pattern ma’am. This is a game for him, and you are another pawn on the board. SMDH!

A man can sense when a woman is desperate, lonely, and in need of some good d**k. He can sense when she is going above and beyond for him, so, he will just lay back and let the situation unfold. He will even tell you upfront that he is not looking for anything serious, and you will laugh and giggle like a little a** school girl, and tell him that you’re not looking for anything serious either. Once he’s made this move by putting the cards on the table, and gauges your response, he then gives you what you want.

Ma’am, like you mentioned, you are the one who caught feelings. You wanted to change the dynamics of this situation. You are the one who demanded more than he could give you. If he was really into, and really wanted more from you, then don’t you think he would be giving you more of his time? He would be pursuing you for a permanent and monogamous relationship. You are chasing this man. You are wanting him to call, text, and spend more time with you. He is not interested. You are another woman on his list. And, you’re near the end of that list because he only spends one night a month with you. Therefore, he is spending his time with other women who are more important, or more significant to him. You are not that important to him. You are convenient. You are an option.

Stop playing yourself. Stop being desperate and demanding from him what he obviously is not going to give you. Have some dignity and respect. Yeah, I know you’re 40 years old, and you want a man in your life. You don’t want to grow old alone. You are afraid you will have no one with you as you grow old. But, this desperation is clouding your judgment and preventing you from seeing the truth. HE IS NOT THE ONE! He is not going to settle down and make you his woman. He is not going to stop sleeping around. And, he is not going to make you a priority in his life. He told you that you deserve better. For a lack of better words, he was telling you that you deserve better than him. You needed something he was not willing to give you. And, you do. Grow up. Stop giving yourself to him when he is clearly not giving himself to you. Stop being available for him when he is not available for you, and stop giving all of yourself to someone who is only giving you a portion of them. And, that portion is just some ding-a-ling. So, act your age, and stop demanding from him what you will not demand from yourself. – Terrance Dean