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Dear Bossip,

I read your letters everyday and you give such good advice. So, I need your help.

I’m dealing with an issue that most African-Americans don’t like to discuss, but I’m going to be open about my relationship. I have been in a relationship for 6 years. I have known her for 11 years now.

When I first met her she was too young for me and we always remained friend. She always knew she could talk to me about anything and I wouldn’t judge her. She was 17-years old, and I was 24-years old. We didn’t have sex, kiss, or nothing like that even though she tried. I ALWAYS turned her down because of her age.

We lost contact for 2 years after she turned 18-years old. We saw each other again at a party on New Year’s and she was 20-years old at this point. So, I decided to pursue a relationship. Everything was great like we were meant to be. She had my son and life was good.

I always noticed she would have these little mood swings, but it never bothered me. When her father died she became a different person. She would have these crazy mood swings so bad that she would curse me out over stupid stuff and then 5 minutes later she would want to hug and kiss me. It used to confuse me.

Now, after all these years, I don’t know what to do because I think she has Bipolar. I tried to talk to her, but she feels like I’m just trying to leave her or make fun of her. She has never done anything to our son, and she is actually one of the best mothers I know. It’s just that I don’t know if she doesn’t love me anymore, or if she is just dealing with a mental illness.

Like she says that I’m controlling, and I’m such this mean person, and that I only want her for her money. Then when she comes home from work it is like she never said any of those things. She will come home and be so loving, but as soon as I bring it up she goes crazy again. If she can’t find something she will blame me and try to fight me. Then, 2 minutes later she is back to normal.

Before he died, her father told me just don’t pay her any mind when she gets like that, but it makes me feel bad because I don’t know if it’s me or her. If we get into an argument I will check her Facebook and she will say little flirting stuff with guys, and as soon as she not mad at me anymore she deletes them and then she comes kissing on me.

I think she really either has Bipolar or split personalities. Then, there is her family. They stress her out the most. Not only is she the bread winner of the family, but they take advantage of that. Her mom lives with us and won’t help with the bills. I always ask her to talk to her mom about contributing more, but she goes crazy and tells me she is not going to let her mother be on the streets. Her family talks to me like crap and she tells me to not say anything and to ignore it, but these people are using her and she doesn’t see it.

Please help me on what to do or how to tell her that she needs help! I swear I will stick with her through the whole thing. I want to marry this woman, but I won’t do it unless she gets help. – What To Do

Dear Mr. What To Do,

Chile, she is tired of all y’all, and need some time alone! Hello! Folks in her family got they hands out talking about “give me, give me, give me.” She’s working a full-time job, and her mom lives with the both of you and she isn’t working. Then she has to be a mother to a child, including a girlfriend to you, clean up the house, cook, do laundry, and try to find some time to be with herself. Oh yeah, let’s not forget that she goes to work all day and folks are asking her to do this and do that. Then she comes home and has to do this and do that for all of you. YES! She is TIRED and STRESSED THE HELL OUT!

LOL! No, but, on the real, I’m sorry that you feel helpless and unable to help your girlfriend, but unless he wants help, and she recognizes that something is wrong, then there is nothing you can do. She has to be willing to go see a therapist or professional psychiatrist who can diagnose her, and inform her if she truly does suffer from a mental illness such as Bipolar. Yes, you have indicated some behaviors that are attributed to Bipolar, but you’re not sure, and unless she is properly diagnosed then you will never know.

And, yes, I agree with you that mental illness is a taboo issue and subject matter. Lots of people go misdiagnosed, under diagnosed, or not diagnosed at all. They are unable to account for their behaviors, reactions, or why they feel the way that they do. Many self-medicate with drugs such as alcohol, and marijuana to help alleviate the stress, issues, and problems they face. They do not know they suffer from a mental illness, and drugs help medicate them. Others do nothing and it severely impacts their relationships both personal and familial.

Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder that can go undetected. If it goes untreated, then eventually the person will do harm to themselves and others. It’s important and necessary to get into therapy and to seek treatment. And, with proper help and support, and as long as they remain in treatment many people live productive lives.

So, until she gets into treatment and therapy, then you nor she will never know the real cause of her mood swings, and other stressors that cause her to react the way she does toward you. And, that is something you have to consider. Are her reactions and behaviors only directed toward you, or do you notice that her behavior is consistent in how she interacts with other people? Is it consistent with how she treats you?

Also, you have to take into the consideration of what you mentioned in regards to her mother living with you. I’m sure that is an added stress of having another mouth to feed, including another person to take care of. Her mother is not working or contributing to the bills. You mentioned your girlfriend is the breadwinner of her family, so I’m sure she is overworked, tired, drained emotionally and mentally, and she is seven years younger than you dealing with all of these issues. Also, you stated that her family stresses her out the most. I also noticed that you mentioned her dad died, and I am sure he was an important figure in her life. So, did she have time to grieve, and did she grieve? How did she handle his death, and does it still affect her? All of these are a lot to take on at such a young age. Compound all of this, the fact that she’s taking care of her mother who lives with the both you, helping family members with their financial issues, working a full-time job, being a girlfriend to you, and she has to be a mother, then, yes, she is mentally and emotionally drained, tired, and warped.

I agree that she should be in some type of therapy or counseling. She has a lot on her plate. And, if you strongly feel that she may suffer from Bipolar, then talk with her and ask her to at least consider talking with someone to get diagnosed so that you both can be sure. She has to be willing to seek therapy and treatment, and she has to recognize that something is not right in how she feels, or the thoughts she is having.

And, I commend you on willing to stick with her through the long haul, and wanting to marry her, but please know that being in a relationship with someone who suffers from Bipolar disorder takes a lot of special attention, nurturing, support, and love. If she is not in treatment, it will take it’s toll on you, and you will begin to resent her, or even become angry with her. It’s a serious challenge because they have to maintain treatment and be consistent in taking their meds. And, I would strongly encourage you to consider being in a support group to help you deal with her mental illness, but also how to maintain your own well-being and self-care.

So, sit with her, express to her how you feel about her and how what she does affects you. Share how it makes you feel, the way she treats you, and how much you love her. Let her know that you will be there for support and that you want her to take care of herself, and to be spiritually, emotionally, and mentally well. She really needs to hear and know that she has your support, and, as much, her family. Good luck to you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

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Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Deanloveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

     

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! – See more at: https://bossip.com/934958/dear-bossip-after-18-years-of-marriage-im-tired-of-not-feeling-loved-wanted-or-needed/#sthash.xofRJtwO.dpuf
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! – See more at: https://bossip.com/934958/dear-bossip-after-18-years-of-marriage-im-tired-of-not-feeling-loved-wanted-or-needed/#sthash.xofRJtwO.dpuf

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