Dear Bossip: My Boyfriend Revealed He Was Molested By A Pastor, Then I Noticed He Visited Gay Websites & Had Tranny Friends Online

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Woman upset at computer

Dear Bossip,

HELP! Okay, so recently my boyfriend revealed to me that he was molested as a teen by a pastor.

Me, being the person that I am, I didn’t write him off immediately. So, shortly after his confession I noticed he had Tranny friends online. When I confronted him he claimed he didn’t know they were men. Again, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I didn’t leave I simply watched closer.

So, today I went online on his phone and I noticed he had gay p0rn websites in his browser history.  Should I leave? I mean I’m so confused that I haven’t even asked him about it yet. One reason, I’m too uncomfortable to even have that conversation with him. Second, I don’t know what to say or where to begin. Lastly, I KNOW HE’S GOING TO LIE ABOUT BEING GAY. Also, if he is gay or bi does that mean he’ll cheat for sure with a man? I don’t even want to be cheated on with a woman, but a man? It’s worst because I can’t ever be that. What should my next move be? – Confronting His Sexuality

Dear Ms. Confronting His Sexuality,

Ma’am, girl, please go have several seats. I can’t! If you think he will cheat on you with either a man or woman, then why stay? Girl, dumb is as dumb speaks.

You’re talking about you’re too uncomfortable to have a conversation with him about the gay p0rn websites on his browser, yet, you confronted him about his Tranny friends online. You weren’t too uncomfortable to ask about them, so why are you are all of a sudden afraid to ask about his web activities? Stop playing this damsel in distress role, and grow the hell up!

Sit down with him and simply have the conversation. Yes, it may be uncomfortable, and he may not be so readily to open up, and that’s understandable, especially discussing his molestation as a teen. Most boys and young men who have been molested by another man will never open up or share what happened to them. It’s traumatic, and it makes them question who they are, and their own sexual identity. It’s an internal battle they deal with, and unless they seek therapy with a professional therapist, they will grow into adult men who are constantly battling the internal demon that makes them question their sexuality, along with the mental and emotional damage it does to them. Not all men who are molested are gay. However, it does something to their psyche, and it does affect their mental and emotional well-being.

Therefore, you should ask him if he’s ever been in therapy or spoke with a psychologist about what happened to him. The fact that he revealed it to you says a lot. I’m sure it took a lot of courage for him to admit it. Therefore, he must feel comfortable with you. It may have been his way of reaching out, and possibly wants to talk about it. He opened the door, and you could have took that opportunity to ask further questions, and get to know more about him and his sexual desires.

If you’re willing to be his friend, and support him, then let him know that. Let him know that you are not going to judge him, or cast your opinion onto him. But, you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with him, and that is something only you can answer. If it turns out he is gay, then of course not. It will never work. If he is bisexual, then, is that something you are ready to take on. I do strongly suggest that you ask him if he would be interested in speaking with a professional, and discussing what happened to him, and helping him to resolve his sexual identity. It will be impossible for him to try to handle this on his own, and not resolve what this may have done to him psychologically, and emotionally.

Next, be honest and upfront with him about how you feel. Let him know that after what you’ve discovered it makes you uncomfortable, and you know it may difficult to discuss, but ask him if he’s ever been with a man physically, sexually, or romantically. He may not admit to being in a relationship with another man, but some casual interaction may have occurred. He may not be in a place where he may be ready to share openly or candidly about his sexual experiences with guys. He could be just figuring this out, or, he’s hiding and simply is afraid of coming out. Hell, he may not be gay. He may very well be bisexual. He could possibly be polysexual.

Look, you can stay in this relationship, and silently wonder and question about his sexuality all you want. The fact that you’ve discovered on two different occasions incriminating contents that point to some suspicions about his sexuality, well, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then guess what it is? Ma’am, I don’t know how you can be friends with Transexuals online and not know they are men. Then, you use his phone and notice gay p0rn websites in his browser. Uhm, sweetie, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say he stumbled across one and accidental clicked the link. Yes, that may be a mistake. However, if he has several websites in the browser, uhm, yeah, he gay! SMDH!

Your closed mouth and speculations will get you nowhere. If you want to know, ask. If you’re still unconvinced after listening to him, or if you feel he is lying, then leave. Don’t wait until you actually catch him in the bed with another guy and then you are writing another letter wanting to know if he is gay because he told you that it was his first time, and they were just experimenting. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Deanloveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

mogul8   Hiding In Hip-Hop cover   Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

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