I’m such a HUGE fan and I need your advice and help. My husband and I are high school sweethearts.
We started dating in 2002. During that time, we both had a mutual friend that was a female, and I actually considered her to be a friend. Then, 2 years into our relationship, he told me that she was sending him flirty and sexy texts and trying to get him to come to her house. Initially, he lied to me about it, but I caught him in a lie, which caused him to show me the messages.
He said that he didn’t reciprocate any of those feelings back to her, but I was always skeptical. As time progressed, she and I rarely spoke to each other due to this situation. However, her and my husband acted as if nothing happened. He knows how I feel about him and her communicating, but he still does it.
About 2 months ago, we got into a huge fight because I found out he started following her on Instagram. Then, he had the balls to say that she didn’t do anything to me for me to dislike her, and this pissed me off so bad because I felt like he was defending her. To me, it was so disrespectful and disgusting.
I honestly thought about leaving his ass for this, but I thought about our 2 kids and how it would affect them. I want our marriage to work out so badly, but I will leave his ass with a quickness if he continues to feel like this woman isn’t an issue. Please help me because I’m about to fire his a**! – Confused and Pissed
Dear Ms. Confused and Pissed,
You have every right to be angry and disgusted by your husband’s inconsiderate and nonchalant behavior. He clearly doesn’t get why you are upset that he is still communicating with a woman who has crossed the line and practically propositioned him to sleep with her. He can play dumb all he wants, but you knock some sense into his head.
And, one thing you clearly have to know is that woman is not your friend, and she never was! She is trifling, and she knows it. And, your husband is just as trifling for sitting up there talking about he doesn’t see what the big deal is and dismissing your feelings and requests to stop communicating with her. He would get a big huge awakening when he came home from work and the house was empty. Now follow that on Instagram!
Ma’am, I agree with you that he is dead a** wrong for continuing to keep in contact with her, and he is dead a** wrong for following her on Instagram. You explicitly made it known that you don’t appreciate what transpired between them, and he knows that you don’t want them communicating with one another, but he continues to do so. Therefore, he doesn’t respect you, and he doesn’t respect your feelings and wishes. Why not? Why is he ignoring you? What is he getting out of this? What attention is he seeking from her? He is getting a rise out of you, and he knows it, but at the cost of your marriage? Why?
I bet it’s because your husband likes the attention. He enjoys the fact that another woman is interested in him. He finds it flattering because it plays into his ego and machismo. And, he probably doesn’t feel he is doing anything wrong because he said that he didn’t reciprocate any of the feelings she has for him and he didn’t respond to her texts. So, in his mind, he didn’t do anything, and doesn’t think there is no need for concern. That’s some bull-ish! If he didn’t reciprocate her feelings, or respond to the texts, then, why did he lie about it and try to cover it up when you confronted him the first time? Ole’ busted a**!
I find it bizarre that he said she didn’t do anything to you for you not to like her. Oh, really? So, it’s okay and appropriate to send flirtatious text messages to a friend’s spouse? And, it’s okay to invite them over to your house, and they are doing all of this behind the friend’s back? Yeah, he is getting off on this.
Ask your husband would he mind if his best friend was sending you flirty and sexy text messages? Ask your husband would he mind if his best friend invited you over to his house alone, and he didn’t tell your husband about it? There is clearly a double standard, and your husband is trying to belittle your feelings, and emotions. I’m sure he feels that because nothing happened then you’re making it more than it is. You are exacerbating this situation. But, he has to know that he is married. He has to honor you, your requests, and your feelings. He is playing a dangerous game, and if it doesn’t end then she will do more damage to your marriage than you can imagine. You put your foot down with him and get him right together! You put a stop to all of this –ish today!
You sit with your husband and you explain to him why it’s inappropriate what she did, and why she did it. You explain to him that he is married and he should not be entertaining any woman, especially one that is clearly crossing the line. You explain to him how it makes you feel, what it does to you, and what it is doing to your marriage. You let him know how it hurts you that he is ignoring your requests when you have asked him to stop this behavior, and how you feel disrespected that he is not listening to you and honoring you as his wife. You then tell him he needs to cut it off with her, or else there will be consequences to pay. There will be repercussions if he does not end this childish antics, and his need to have his ego stroked, or some woman boosting his head.
There are boundaries between married couples and “so-called friends.” You and he should have a conversation over boundaries, and what’s appropriate and what’s inappropriate. You have to communicate what you are not going to put up with, and how he needs to honor your requests as his wife. There is respect on both ends. There can be no dismissing of your feelings or emotions. There can be no dismissing of your requests. Your marriage is not a dictatorship, and he can do whatever he wants. There is a line, and limit. You set the tone. If he doesn’t get it together, then there will be hell and high water to pay. – Terrance Dean
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