I have been married six months. We knew each other a year prior, but we got married under bad circumstances.
She was in a terrible relationship and having a hard personal time. We had a brief affair. She pledged her love to me, but I said I couldn’t be involved with her until they were finished. Over time that happened. She said it took a while because she had been supporting him and he had no where turn. I know that was true a point.
When we got together one condition was that he would not be in the picture. She agreed. Then, one day I borrowed her phone and I see that she’s emailing him. Nothing bad, but he was back to his manipulation and trying to get her to support him. I said I couldn’t be with her if he was around and she agreed with me.
Two months ago we had to have our phones serviced and I checked my email and it has combined our e-mails. There he is again, although it was obvious they hadn’t been in touch prior. I didn’t say anything, but over the weeks it ate at me.
Tonight I caved and I looked at her Facebook messages and they had a planned meeting for tomorrow. She proceeded to say she hadn’t planned on really going, despite saying she missed him, and that she was angry at me for not trusting her, while admitting what did was wrong and if the tables had been turned she’d pissed.
I’m having a real hard time feeling guilty about my lack of trust since it was shown to be well-founded. Now, I’m at a loss. For us to work she has to regain my trust, assuming she wants to, and to be honest that will mean full access because it’s shattered. And, she’ll never agree to that.
So what do I do? I love her dearly, but I cannot live with this level of distrust given what I know. – At A Loss
Dear Mr. At A Loss,
So, you had an affair with a woman who was in a relationship, but then you told her that you couldn’t be involved with her until they were finished? Uhm, let’s see here, you had an affair with a woman, so, therefore she was cheating on him with you. And, you wanted her to be exclusive with you and have him out of the picture. But, let me ask you this: If she was cheating on him, despite how bad the relationship was, what made you think that she would not do the same thing to you? Do you people even think before you enter these illicit relationships that are built on lies, deception, manipulation, cheating, and mistrust? If they are lying, cheating, manipulating, and deceiving their partner to be with you, then trust and believe they will do the same damn thing to you!
Ugh! I swear common sense ain’t common. Let me say this, the way you enter the relationship is the way it will end. If she was cheating when she came into it, then she will continue to cheat on you with someone else. Chile, some of you folks really do think that you are invincible and no one would ever treat you horribly, or cheat on you because, “You are that boss bish!” LMBAO!
You married this woman who was financially taking care of another man, and supporting him because he had nowhere to turn. I’m sorry, but, you waited for her to end a relationship in which she was taking care of another man? Really? Really? Do you really think he was going to let her go? Do you really think she wanted to leave him? I mean, come on! This same man whom she was in a horrible relationship with, and she was suffering in her personal life, yet, she continued to care for this man even after it ended. You can’t blame nobody but yourself for being that damn dumb.
Then, insert you, the man she could cry to, lean on, and find solace in your arms, and you believed her, helped her, consoled her, and became her crutch. Whenever she didn’t get what she wanted at home with him she came running to you. And, you were happy to be her shoulder to cry on, and her savior. SMDH!
She used you. You were here emotional support system. You were her “go-to” guy when things got bad, and you fell for the ole okey-doke. And, because you couldn’t separate her neediness, her low self-esteem, her manipulation, and her damsel-in-distress routine, you wanted to marry her and save her from her misery. THE WRONG REASON TO MARRY SOMEONE! And, you even acknowledge that you got married under bad circumstances. That was a clear sign you were headed toward doom!
So, despite the condition you and she had, and what you demanded of her that she end her relationship with him before the two of you became serious, and, in which she agreed. However, you learn that she is still communicating with him, and even made plans to meet up with him behind your back. Yet, she is mad at you for going through her emails, but, she was being deceptive and lied to you about what she agreed upon. Therefore, she cannot be trusted, she’s a liar, and she deceptively misled you into believing something that was not true.
The trust has been violated in your marriage, and you want her to earn back your trust. However, you mentioned that she will never allow you full access, so, therefore you want to know what to do because you love her. Well, sir, you have two options.
The first option, seek marriage counseling and get to the root of her lies, deception, and manipulation. Honestly, she is still in love with him, wants to be with him, but is conflicted because she “likes” you, and probably has a great comfortable and loving environment to call home, but her heart is with him. So, does she leave the comforts you provide to go be with heart in misery? I tell you this, she wants him to change, and she wants him to grow and be a better man for her. If he were to make those changes, and change his behaviors, then I have no doubt that she will leave you for him without question or thought.
The second option is you separate, reconsider your marriage, what you really desire and need in a spouse, and what will make the both of you happy. More so, you have to know what makes you happy, and if she is providing that. If you are wondering what she’s doing, where she’s going, and if she’s telling you the truth, then, you have a serious problem. And, if you can’t trust her, and she is unwilling to compromise to your request for the full access to her life, then, you end the marriage and move on with your life. Simple as that. She is not willing to work on her marriage, and, nor is she willing to earn your trust. End it.
You can sit up here and pout and be upset all you want, but, in the end, she lied to you. She reneged on the contract you had that she would end her relationship with him, and fully commit herself to you. She misled you into believing it was over between them, yet, you discover they are still communicating. And, they had a scheduled rendezvous set-up. Boy, get your house in order, put your foot down, or you end the marriage. However, know this, her heart is not with you. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: firstname.lastname@example.org Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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