Dear Bossip: We've Been Dating 7 Months & He Told Me It Was Down To Me And Another Woman

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been with my guy for 7 months and everything was great up until 5 months ago. I began feeling insecure.

It started like this, he spent 90% of his time with me and my kids. I know that’s quick, but it felt right. Although we never declared a status, I began to feel that we were a couple. Silly me. We both entered the relationship while dating other people, but since we spent so much time together I had less and less time for the other guys. I mean, honestly, we were moving so well that I felt pretty secure.

Let me just add in I’m also in the process of getting a divorce. He knew this and he knows infidelity is one of the reasons. Once, we had a conversation where he told me that he has dwindled his list down to another woman and myself. It was like a culture shock!!! That’s when my insecurities came into play.

According to him I had 5 incidents too many and we took a week off from each other. That week damn near killed me. Now, I am trying to repair things and behave, which I’m putting in a real effort, and which he noted. But, he still says some pretty harsh things about my insecurities. Because of that separation I’m more afraid of losing him than I feel more insecure. WHAT SHOULD I DO? – Don’t Want To Lose Him

Dear Ms. Don’t Want To Lose Him,

Donkey day alert!

Here we go with this foolishness.

You’ve been dating a man for seven months, and he’s already spending time with your kids, and you’re in the middle of getting a divorce? REALLY!?!?! Your husband is barely out of the house, and, yet, you have another man already laid up in your bed playing house? UGH!

But, the sad part is that you stated you both entered the relationship while dating other people, and because you were spending so much time with him you had less time for the other guys. Ma’am, GUYS! Plural. Multiple men. You were seeing other men!?!? SMDH!

Instead of parading multiple men in and around your children, and in and out of your life, how about you work on resolving your issues, and getting your house in order. How about you take the time to heal and rebuild your spiritual well-being, and take the time for some self-care, and self-love. How about you not jump from one man to the next, in and out of bed with these men, and giving yourself and committing yourself to someone else, and how about you spend that time giving to yourself and committing to yourself.

Some of you are so afraid of being alone, spending time with yourselves, and learning how to love yourselves that you run from man to man to man looking for someone to love you, and provide comfort. How the hell can you love someone else if you can’t love yourself? (In my RuPaul voice).

Then, this ole okey-doke bum a** dude you’re dating tells you that he has dwindled down his choices to you and another woman, and that you have five incidences too many, therefore, he took a week off from being with you. So, he is keeping a tally of all your wrongs, and using them against you? He is really keeping a tab of the things you’ve done, and you’re over there fretting and worrying about how to please him and behave to be the woman he wants you to be. Girl, I quit! I’m done!

You should tell him that you have your own incidence reports, and here’s a list of things he can do to be a better man!

You are not an animal! You are not someone’s property, or pet project where you need to learn how to behave and be trained to act for a man. Why would you even compromise yourself and allow someone to belittle you where you feel less than? You do not owe him a damn thing! But, he treats you like a doormat, and he treats you like a bird because you allow him. You let him talk to you any kind of way, and disrespect you and devalue you. Therefore, he will continue to do it and make you feel insecure because you don’t respect yourself, nor do you have self-esteem to know your worth or value as a person, and as woman. When will some of you women learn that you have the power. You do not allow a man to dictate to you, control you, or hold you accountable for his insecurities, and his chauvinist ideologies.

Girl, I can tell you are desperate for a man. You are yearning for companionship, love, and you’re looking for a provider for you and your children. Therefore, you will subject yourself to be treated like a donkey grazing in the fields while he continues to demean you, and tells you that you are one of his options.

Never, ever allow or make yourself someone’s option. No ma’am.

You’re putting this man on a pedestal, and giving him access to your life, while you are only an option to him. But, this is not just him. You’ve allowed other men to make you an option. As you mentioned you are insecure with yourself. You don’t know who you are, what you have to offer, and what value you have. Therefore, you will put up with men dogging you, walking all over you, and mistreating you. Why would you want to be with a man who is keeping a tally and a count of the things you are doing wrong, and then throws it up in your face? He does this because he is deflecting from his own shortcomings and inadequacies.

How about you find a spiritual home to nourish your soul. How about you find positive reinforcements and create an environment of love, joy, peace, and hope for you and your children. How about you start the work on you and heal yourself from your own pains that hinder you from knowing who you, and what you have. So, Ms. Honey, kick his a** to the curb, and stop giving your power over to him. Stop allowing him to degrade you, and make you feel inadequate. Work on completing the process of your divorce, and heal yourself before you enter into another relationship. Stop being a springboard for men. That is not who you are. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

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