Dear Bossip: He Doesn't Want A Relationship, But Maybe After His Divorce

Dear Bossip,

I’m a 37 year old professional and I have my own place. I have been dating a man for 2 years who is 40 years old, married, and legally separated.

He is everything I want in a man. He works, loves his kids, and has his own house. So, I fell in love with him. He has 3 daughters ages 17, 10, and 9 years old. I have 2 boys ages 12, and 7 years old. These past 2 years have been almost great. The problem that I’m having is that he doesn’t want me around his kids. I met all his family except for his mother.

I introduced him to all my family, including my sons. Why can’t he do the same? He told me that he doesn’t want to bring his kids around me because he doesn’t want his kids to see him with another woman other than their mother. And, he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings. Also, he told me that he doesn’t want me to meet his oldest daughter because he feels she will be very rude to me, and he is trying to avoid any daddy’s girl drama. Ok, but what about his mother? He told me he is not ready for that because he’s still married and he doesn’t know if he wants a serious relationship.

He has been honest with me for the past 2 years. He told me he is not ready for a serious relationship, and after the divorce and he is only looking for company. But, if I meet his family and we are going places together and people knows us, then why not be together as a couple?

About his divorce issue – she walked away from their house. She lives with their kids and they have shared parenting, and she is not baby mama drama at all. She knows about us, but, yet, she told him: “Let those hoes deal with your ass, and see your true character.” I don’t mind because she may be jealous of him being with me.

He told me that she is a bad mother, and that she doesn’t take care of the kids. He said she is a cheater and he hates her. Now, sometimes I get overwhelmed listening to his drama with his wife, but because I’m so into him, I’m there for him.

However, after she left him, about 3 months later, she had a new relationship. I think that as a woman she should have waited more time, and she should have spent time with her kids. He talked mess about it and I was there for him to listen and give him a shoulder. And, since she moved out the house I started to come in to his house, spending the weekend when he is not with his kids, and we had a good time in his house. Why can’t we be a couple?

Now, we went to the mall to do some shopping and he saw his wife with her man. She didn’t notice us. But, when I turned to him and saw his face turn from brown skin to burgundy red, he was furious, mad and upset. I asked myself, “What’s going on?” The first thing he said was, “Where are the kids? How come she is with him and why are the kids home alone?” I didn’t feel that. I smelled jealousy. He was jealous to see his wife with another man! After 3 years? He knew she had a man, but I guess he never saw them together until that day at the mall.

I was so hurt to see his reaction. He denied it. However, I had to admit as a woman that she doesn’t look anything like an unfit mother who doesn’t take care of her kids because all the stuff they were buying was kids stuff. And, I know from my experience with my own kids that she loves her kids. But, after all the bad things he said about her, how he can feel jealous? I thought he moved on without her and was just waiting on the court to end this. From my knowledge, she works, and she volunteers at her kid’s school. So how come she is a bad mother?

When his wife knew about us, she didn’t blink or gave me any drama. In fact, I was with him one day and she was very polite. She said hello to me, and was talking straight business to my boyfriend about their kid’s school supplies.

My boyfriend’s family doesn’t like her because they told me she doesn’t take no mess, and the reason they broke up is that she has a temper and she doesn’t take no mess from him. And, he is very controlling and has a temper also. And, he doesn’t take any mess from her also. They had been married for 15 years, and she was the one who walked away. So, both are two different type of people. They even told me that his wife had the nerve to call the police for domestic violence, while he gave her everything she wanted. So, how dare she called the police on him?

Anyway, too much drama and I don’t see that in him.

But, after he saw his wife at the mall he is not the same anymore. He called his kids more. He talked more mess about her. He accused her in court of adultery when in fact they are legally separated. My parents told me, they liked him, but the fact that he is still a married man and not free that I should let him go, and I should not been in the middle of  divorce drama because maybe he wants his wife back. My dad told me if I did not meet his mom yet and his children, he is not going to do it.

I’m so into him, and maybe after the divorce he can change to be with me. I love him with all that he is going through. But, for how long? They have been separated for 3 years. And, he is the one dragging the divorce because he wants full custody of his children, but the judge said no. So, they have joint parenting and she has full control of their kid’s custody.

But, since this, I wonder if he still loves his wife, and, if I should let him go? – Will He Leave Her

Dear Ms. Will He Leave Her,

I swear I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I can’t even fathom this bull-ish.

Why do you some of you women insist on dating married men hoping that they will eventually get the divorce from their wives and marry you? Why do you put yourself in these situations, especially when the man tells you that he is not looking for a serious relationship, and only wants company? The man has told you point blank that he doesn’t want a relationship. Therefore, he doesn’t want one with you. But, every other sentence you’re talking about, “Why can’t we be a couple?” I swear donkey season is in full effect.

You do things together, and you stay at his house, and I see how you may think you’re a couple because of his actions. But, sweetie, listen to what he is saying. And, pay close attention to his actions of how he treats you. You haven’t even met his children or his mother. And, he is very specific that you won’t. Therefore, why continue dating a man and he is very clear that you will not meet his children, or his mother? The very people who are important to him, and he won’t introduce you to them.

Then, he has the nerve to use that lame ass excuse of saying he’s still married and that’s why he doesn’t want you to meet his children. HUH? They have been legally separated for three years, but he wants to use that line to get out of anything serious with you. It’s okay to have an affair, and sleep with you and lay up with you, but because he’s still married he doesn’t want you around his children and mother. Chile! I swear you can’t be that damn dumb to believe that bull-ish!

If he is still married, then why be with you? If he is still married, then why lead you on, and lay up with you? Oh, it’s because you allow yourself to be used by him, and believe his lies and game. Girl, leave this fool, and stop pinning over him. He’s not worth it.

Now, if he has told you all of this, and he doesn’t want a relationship, then what part do you not comprehend? What are you not getting or understanding? Why are you so desperate for a man, especially a man who doesn’t want anything to do with you? Why are you running after a man who is still into his wife? It’s obvious he is not over her. It’s obvious he still has feelings for her. You even witnessed it yourself firsthand. So, why are you still there?

You own father told you that if you have not met his mother or children yet, then he is not going to introduce you to them. And, both of your parents told you to leave him and to not get caught up in his divorce drama. Why won’t you listen to them? Why won’t you heed their advice? They are absolutely correct. Why are you invested in a man who has not gotten divorced from his wife, yet, he is always complaining about her?

Save yourself, and stop harping over him and allowing yourself to be his shoulder to cry on and ear to vent about his wife. If she was so horrible, then the courts wouldn’t rule in her favor, and the children would be with him. If she was so horrible, then he would have divorced her by now, and he’d save himself of the anger, upset, and drama of thinking about her and her new man. Why is he getting so upset because she has moved on and she appears happy with her new man? It’s because he still wants her.

Ma’am, you can sit there and hope, wish, and dream about you and he being together all you want. The truth of the matter is that he is not going to have anything serious with you. He’s made that very clear. You will never meet his children or his mother. You will forever be the woman he’s sleeping with, and that’s it. You’re nothing but a rebound chick. He needs someone to lay up with, vent to about his wife, and someone he can be with ‘for now’ because he doesn’t want to be alone. It’s obvious you want more from him. He can’t give you anything more because he’s still hurting, mad, and angry. He’s still in love with his wife. And, he hasn’t healed. His heart is hurting. He’s bitter. He’s jealous. And, he’s lonely. Why take on damaged goods? Move on and save yourself the headache. – Terrance Dean