Dear Bossip,

I just thought I would write about my marriage of 9 years with a man I have been with for 12 years, and known for 16 years. 

I am 31-years old, and I am white married to a black man. (This will be important). We were really good friends when we were young. He dated people as well as I.

I had 1 child by a boyfriend when I was 20, and 2 children by him. We broke up because I wouldn’t have an abortion. So, while I was pregnant, me and my husband started hanging out, and eventually dating when my son was about 1-years old. His mother passed away and he sort of moved in with me. We both started going to church and got married. However, he didn’t stay in church but a few years and now he is really out there. Before, he was a sweet gentle man. Now he cannot go one day without smoking, drinking, and curses almost every word. He admitted to cheating on me numerous times before we were married, but said he stopped when we got married. However, he thinks it is okay to hang out with women because he doesn’t want to be with them.  He was caught with 2 women in his lap at a club, but said it was just an innocent thing. No harm because he came home that night. He lies about a lot of stuff, he openly flirts with women, and tells me that he tells them they are pretty but that doesn’t mean anything either.

However, the names he calls me are never pretty. He is abusive both physically and mentally, and it seems to be getting worse. He also has started saying that white people are the devil. But, then at other times, he says he loves me and he wants this to work on us, and it’s me that is preventing him from loving me. When he does get abusive he says he will kill me and my family (if he can’t find me) if I tell anyone. My church knows some things, and my family is figuring it out. But, I don’t even feel comfortable telling him that we need to separate, because I am not sure how he will even act. He always accuses me of the things he does. He knows I go to work (I pay all the bills) and church. I do not cheat, and didn’t cheat even before our marriage. I don’t drink and definitely don’t smoke anything.  I just have never been like that. I think he saw my naivety. He also talks about he is like a pimp and that is just how he is. I don’t want to be his hoe, and I would have never married him knowing this is how he is.

I just can’t figure out how to leave this situation without violence or problems. What can you advise, anything that can help. Thank you so much. – Afraid To Leave

Dear Ms. Afraid To Leave,

Ma’am, why is he still walking on two legs? Why is he walking in the house beating on his chest like he’s running something? Girl, you are definitely better than me. I wish a fool would treat me like that, and expect to come in the house and lay up in the bed. I would have tied his ass up when he came home drunk, and I would have gotten Misery on his ass!!! Put his damn feet in between a cinder block, and I would have raised the sledgehammer so damn high! WHAM!!! You want to be a pimp, huh? WHAM!!!! You want to hang out with women and let them sit on your lap, huh? WHAM!!! You want to be abusive and tell me you will kill me and my family if I tell anyone, but I’m the Queen Bish paying all the bills around here! Oh, no sir! WHAM!!!!

Uhm, yeah, you’re definitely not me. So, I’m going to give you the white girl version of what I want you to do: It’s time to get a plan in place for your exit, and you need to stick with your plan. And, this plan includes you creating a get-away escape bag. You pack the essential and necessary items – children’s birth certificates, doctor/hospital records, social security cards, and any other important papers. Then you pack a few items, some clothes, but not too much, you don’t want to give away that you are preparing to leave. Any indication of you leaving and he will have a fit. So, keep it light and cute. Play the role as if nothing is going on. Keep being and acting the same way. Don’t act all nervous and scared. He will catch on. So, be natural. In other words, act blonde!

Then, one day when he goes out with his friends, or to work, or wherever he goes to hang out, you get your get-away escape bag, put your kids in the car and you HIT IT!!!! Don’t look back, don’t stop, don’t slow down, just keep your foot on the pedal and GOOOOOOO!!!

Chile, that man is out of his got damn mind! Yeah, you’re right that you’re white and putting up with that bull-ish, especially him talking about he’s a pimp. Oh, really!?! You’re a pimp! Okay, I’m going to fix that ass!! I would have pimp slapped his ass in his damn mouth as soon as he finished that damn statement. And, girl, the first time he put hands on you should have been his last damn time! He would put his hands up to hit me, and pulled back a damn nub! Freak that! And, this MoFo is keeping company with other women, letting them sit on his lap, and he’s talking about it’s okay for him to hang out with women because he doesn’t want them. Girl, chile, puhlease. He would have woke up the next morning 2 nuts-less!

Look, I understand that you’ve been with him all these years, and it may seem hard to leave because he’s familiar, and he’s all you know. But, it does not make it okay for him to treat you the way he does. No hitting, no verbal abuse, and no mental abuse should EVER occur between two people who are married and claim to be in love. I’m sorry, but as soon as someone fixes their mouth to call me out of my name they will be chocking on their teeth!

There are plenty of shelters, and resources available to you. But, you’ve got to make the first step in getting help. Don’t be afraid to go to your family members and let them know what’s going on. Devise a plan with them to help you get out of your situation, and into a well-protected and loving environment. Your kids don’t need to grow up in this type of environment. It’s not healthy or productive. Also, you mentioned that your church knows. Well, it’s time to go and speak with them about helping you transition into your own housing, and helping you get stable on your feet. You have a job, so that’s half the battle. You need a home someplace on the other side of town where he can’t find you, or better yet, get you some protection – A glock, or a pistol, or .357 Magnum. Let his ass harass or start some mess, bust a cap in his ass! Stand your ground! And, get an order of protection from the police. Go and let them know what’s been going on, and for how long. You’ve got to start documenting this proof, so when you go to court for child support, and custody, you will have all your ducks lined up to for his wanna-be-fake-pimp-ass!

Stop being a victim! He can’t treat you that way unless you allow him to. If you roll over and let him walk all over you, then he will continue to do so. Get a backbone, and wake up! Start thinking and planning. You have the upper hand. Not him. And, before you leave, if I were you, I would put rat poison in all the food in the refrigerator. I’m just saying what I would do. You don’t have to, but err, uhm. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Dear Bossip,

Man, Terrance, I need help! Where do I start? I got married on February 10, 2012 to a beautiful woman. Man, she was everything I thought I wanted. Beautiful, sexy, successful, and a great mother. Before we got married we dated for 10 months. It was a strong relationship. I had some jealousy issues because of some stuff she told me about her pass that I didn’t agree with. It affected our relationship a little, and it made me feel a little insecure. But, we got through it.

She has a 4-year old son. He was bad when we were dating, but she would handle him. But, she kept on asking me to help her discipline him. This kid has a father in his life and I didn’t feel comfortable with me disciplining him. But, anyway, we go ahead and take that walk down the aisle. We got married. That’s when all hell broke loose. Her son turned in to the spawn of Satan. He was so disrespectful to everyone including his mother. This put a huge strain on our new marriage. She said I wasn’t trying to build a relationship with her son. I tried, but he would do everything to try and push my buttons. So, one time he hit my mother while she was babysitting him. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. We got into it. I told her he needs stern discipline. She said, “F**k you.” So, I snatched the laptop from her. She jumps up in my face like a man, and like she was gonna hit me. So, I jump up like I wish you would hit me! She runs out and tells everyone I tried to hit her. It gets worse. Later that night, she tells me she’s pregnant. I told her that I’m sorry and that I love her. She came to bed that night and I thought it was good.

The next day she snatches her son, takes the laptop and car, and leaves. She ain’t been back since. Come to find out she aborted the baby and is demanding me to bring her stuff. I love her. We are married, but I don’t know what to do??? Any advice??? Sorry for writing so much. LOL. – Married And Lost

Dear Mr. Married And Lost,

Hell, take her stuff and give it to her! What the hell are you waiting on?

Chile, that woman is acting like her 4-year old son. You didn’t have one spawn of Satan, you have two spawns of Satan! LOL! She was asking you to discipline her son, hell, she was the one who needed some discipline. Where do you think her son learned that behavior from? He got it from his momma! OWWW!

This is why I don’t like men getting caught up by women who want them to come in and raise their little boys, after they’ve failed to do so for 4, 5, and 7 plus years. These women don’t know how to handle their sons, so they go on the prowl looking for some man to come in and take care of them, especially her out of control son, because his own father is not involved in his life, thus, she is looking for a man to be a daddy to him. But, her “independent I-don’t-need-a-man, neck rolling, bad attitude, and always yelling and screaming at the child’s father, and the child,” only breeds a young boy to be wild, undisciplined, and out of control.

I’m sorry ladies, but raising a small boy is not something women should or can do! They need men, strong men, in their lives to help rear, and discipline them, or else they turn out to be strong independent women like their mothers! They grow up and don’t respect male authority figures. They need men in their lives, more importantly, FATHERS!

But, I digress! You married this woman after only knowing her 10 months. Uhm, sir, chile, here we go with this bull-ish, again. Did you do any marriage counseling prior to walking down the aisle? Do you actually think that you know her, or she knows you in that amount of time? I’ll answer that for you – HELL FREAKING NAW!!!! Ten months of ‘dating’ isn’t enough time for you to know if you can have a lifetime with someone. It isn’t’ enough time to know that within 3 months, because that’s how long you’ve been married jackass, that you and her would get into it, and she screams, “F**k you!” Then jump up in your face like a man as if she was going to hit you (Two things: Again, where do you think her son learned his behavior? And, I’m certain she’s done this to other men she’s dated previously, and they realized she was crazy and they got the hell out of the relationship). You jump back, she runs out and tells everyone that you tried to hit her, but later that night she tells you that she’s pregnant, you go to bed thinking everything is cool (Uhm, sir, knocks on your big ass dome – Why at that moment do you think she felt it necessary to tell you that she was pregnant? She didn’t feel compelled to tell you any time prior to the incident that occurred earlier?) Never, ever, ever think that a woman is okay after a huge blow-up like the one you had, and one that involves her son. SHE IS NOT OKAY. AND, SHE WILL NEVER FORGET IT!

I’m really curious to know what you do for a living. I’m really curious to know if she saw you coming. You know, the sucker! The dumbass! The easy target that she could manipulate because you’ve got to be making some serious money, and on top of that, she desperately wanted a man to take care of her and her bad ass son!  And, your big lurch ass came in thinking you’d found the woman of your dreams. LMBAO! From the very beginning she showed you who she was, and, yet, you reluctantly failed to pay attention because you were caught up in her, “Beauty, sexiness, success, and being a great mother.” Really? Really, Forest! She was a great mother, yet, she couldn’t discipline or manage her bad ass son? She kept asking you to discipline him!!! HELLO!! Chile, some of you men will miss a damn clue if it hit you in the nut sac.

You two don’t deserve to be married. It’s not going to work, will never work, and can’t work. She aborted your child without even discussing it with you. This is a clear sign that she doesn’t respect you as a man, or your opinion. She’s been M.I.A., and haven’t been back since, and you’re waiting on what??? Honey, she let you know what was important to her – her child, her laptop, and the car. Again, she doesn’t respect you as a man, or your opinion.

But, this is the Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee: The fact that she kept asking you to discipline her child when he got out of pocket, and when he hit your mother and you stepped in to do something, all of a sudden she doesn’t want you touching or reprimanding her child. So, she wanted selective discipline. She is probably one of those types of women who want you to speak to her child and be stern with him, but don’t you put your hands on her child. That’s overstepping your boundaries, because you ain’t his father. You don’t have a right to be putting your hands on her child. She’s the only one who can put her hands on her child, and she is not going to let no man come in and hurt her baby. Uhm, okay, and we wonder why these bad ass kids, especially boys, are running around here acting the way they do, and have no sense of responsibility, nor respect for authority or their elders. They see their mothers acting the way they do, and speaking to people out of the side of their mouths with disrespect, thus, their kids do what they see their mothers doing.

Be glad that she left. Celebrate that you don’t have to put up with this overbearing and belligerent woman, and her seed of Chucky. Pack her –ish, and let her know where to pick it up. If she wants to run, and be the big bad ass, then let her run and be the big bad ass! You two are not cut out for each other, and I would cut her out permanently. Why put up with someone like her? She obviously doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t value you. She doesn’t think highly of you, and, more importantly, she won’t let you step up and be a man, or father figure to her child. If he sees his mother disrespecting you, and she’s always running to his rescue when you attempt to discipline him, then how do you think he’ll grow up and treat you? Yeah, stick around if you want to. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Dear Bossip,

I read all your comments and respect your opinion, so here’s my story. I’ve been married for twelve years. I manage a salon, I’m an artist, and work with photographers. My husband is a personal trainer. We love each other very much. We have three kids together and have been together on and off since eighth grade. At first he was ignorant and thuggish, but great to me. I used to wish he had a relationship with God, as I was raised in a Baptist Church. I had a rough childhood and he stuck by me and we prevailed over many trials together. I used to wish he knew God more, and although he said he believed I never pushed him to go to church with me or anything.

About six months ago, we were watching some videos about black Israelites on the internet and they were interesting. I thought that and left it alone. But, one day my husband went to work and a guy he works with talked to him about it and from there he would watch those videos every day. He started reading the Bible more and more, separating himself from friends, and he is whole heartedly a believer in what the Israelites have taught him. I agree with some things but not all, as some of the beliefs are downright offensive to some people. I started really reading just to learn more for myself and have come to some differences in opinions. My issue is that now he wants me to stop taking my kids to church where I have been raised, and to stop following my traditions.  My 83-year old grandmother would not understand if I abandoned her and the choir that I help her with. I’m so confused. The Bible says the head of a woman is the man. Do I follow him and go against myself? Please help. – My Husband Or My Religion

Dear Ms. My Husband Or My Religion,

Well, you did say that you wished that he had a relationship with God. And, now he does. You didn’t say you wished that he had a relationship with God as a follower of Christianity. You didn’t say you wished that he had a relationship with God as a Baptist. You just wished he had a relationship with God. So, you got what you asked for.

And, yes, the bible does say that the head of a woman is the man, but not a foolish man. You don’t follow someone who will lead you down a wrong path, or toward destruction. He has to have a relationship with God, and not waiver in his faith, thus, he could lead his family, and be the head of the body. But, if the head is dysfunctional, or if the head is not obedient and a servant of God, then he cannot lead you. And, if your heart and spirit is not in one accord with your husband’s it will be impossible for him to be the head, and to lead you because you’re not on one accord to God’s word. And, you’re studying two versions of a word. His interpretation of the bible is different from your interpretation.

This is why it’s important for a family unit, a husband and wife, to be in the church, or whatever faith you serve, and be in one accord. Your prayers for him should have been with him. You should have invited him to kneel with you and pray, and on some occasions you should have encouraged him to lead you into prayer. Then, you going to church on Sundays should have included your husband, or, you could have invited him to engage in some spiritual impartations that engaged him. But, your husband was left to his own devices, and, a friend from work shared something with him, and BOOM! Your husband, who probably was looking for something, and searching for something to spiritually connect with, was introduced to a religious belief that has some very strong opinions and thoughts, as do all religions. And, now, it’s interfering with your marriage.

If you remain married, and you do not convert to the faith of your husband, then your marriage will surely end. That’s a guarantee. His beliefs and your beliefs will cause strife. And, in his eyes, you’ll be a disobedient wife. You’ll fight, and argue. And, ultimately he’ll give you an ultimatum – convert or divorce because he will not have a disobedient wife. He will not have a wife who does not believe in what he believes, especially raising his children in a “white man’s” religion. Those black Israelites don’t play. They are serious about their religion and beliefs.

If your spirit is uncomfortable, and in your heart you do not feel compelled to convert and change your beliefs, then don’t do it. You’ll regret it, and you’ll ultimately begin to resent your husband. And, when you resent your husband, you’ll eventually become unhappy, miserable, and angry. It will affect your marriage, and, one day you’re going to find yourself packing your, and your kids –ish, and leaving him.

So, it’s time for you to gather your spiritual power, amour, and get to praying and asking God for guidance, wisdom, and understanding. Ask God to provide you with insight and answers that help you in your marriage, and being a family unit that serves God in one accord, in one body, and in one spirit. And, I suggest that you go to your pastor, or ministerial leader, and ask for insight and counsel for your marriage. You need some strong spiritual bearers that are able to help you in this journey. Lastly, it’s imperative that you sit and speak with your husband. It’s time to communicate how you feel and what you feel. You have to talk with one another, and come to a resolution of how to handle both of your faiths under one household, or how to move forward if you don’t and can’t see eye to eye. There are some people who will convert religions for their loved ones, but if it doesn’t feel right in your spirit, in your soul, and in your heart, then don’t do something that you’ll regret. You have to decide if your religion and the God you serve matters more to you than your marriage, or, if your children, and your husband and what he believes matters more to you. I say follow your heart, spirit, and soul. It never lies. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Dear Bossip,

I need some help! I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now.

During the first year or so of our relationship we were in that honeymoon stage where everything was perfect. Neither of us spent much time with our friends because we couldn’t get enough of each other, but after awhile the newness of the relationship died down (like it does in all relationships), and I began wanting to spend more time with my friends. I started going out about once a week (usually on Friday’s after work for happy hour) and it started causing problems in the relationship because my boyfriend would get jealous and worried that I was speaking to other guys.

After about another year and a half of dealing with his insecurities, I told him that I needed a break because I couldn’t deal with the arguing that would inevitably happen just because I wanted to spend a couple hours with friends. We broke up for a couple months and he begged me all the while to come back. We finally started speaking again and taking things slow and I told him I couldn’t get back with him until he showed me he had learned to trust me. I’ve gone out quite a few times since we started seeing each other again and he has definitely shown major improvement! He doesn’t argue with me anymore and he seems to have worked on his insecurities.

The problem I’m facing now though is that now I’m the one with the insecurities! Every couple of weeks he’ll go out and grab a few drinks with his friends, but he doesn’t invite me along, when before he would invite me to go everywhere with him! He doesn’t stay out late or act shady. It just worries me a little that he doesn’t think to invite me at all. Do I have reason to worry or am I just trippin?? – Mis-Trust

Dear Mis-Trust,

Uhm, excuse me, boo boo, but weren’t you the one complaining that you were spending too much time together, and when you wanted to go out and do your thing with your friends his insecurities irked you, thus, you broke up with him because of it? And, now that you’ve gotten back together, and he goes out and spends time with his friends, and doesn’t invite you, your insecurities have set in because of what???? Hmmm, inquiring minds want to know. Is it because when you were out doing your thing, and flirting with guys, or looking at guys, or doing lawd knows what that you feel that perhaps your boyfriend is doing the same thing?

Girl, miss me!

Why would he extend an invite to you every time he goes out to hang with his friends when you don’t or didn’t extend an invite to him when you were hanging out with your friends? It’s because that time is for you and your friends. And, that time is for him and his friends. Let him enjoy himself and have fun without you for a few hours. Geez! You even said that he doesn’t stay out late or act shady. Then why start putting these insecurities into your relationship over your own self-doubts or your guilty actions! BOOM! BAM! POW!

This is why it’s important to set boundaries in relationships. Y’all folks get all lovey dovey in the first few months of the relationship, and like you said, it wears off, and then you want your space. You want some time alone. That’s when your mate starts acting suspicious and jealous because you’ve changed the rules of the game. He’s mistrusting of you because for all those months you were together, ALL THE DAMN TIME, and then when you got tired of him, you decided to switch things up because you realized that you were devoting all your time to him and not giving yourself any time to be with your own thoughts or self. You stopped hanging out with your friends, neglecting yourself and personal space because all of sudden you got somebody. Acting like you ain’t never been with nobody before. LMBAO!

So, when someone changes the dynamics of the relationship it’s expected that their mate is going to think something is going on. Because, why all of a sudden you want some space, or time alone, or to hang out with your friends without them? Hell, I would be suspicious, too!

Don’t start your relationships all up under one another, and acting like you can’t breathe without each other. You need that space and time to maintain a sense of yourself, and who you are.

Honey, I’ve been in relationships, and I let my partners know, “Look, you had your friends before you met me, and they will be there after me. And, I had my friends before I met you, and they will be here after you. I don’t mind meeting your friends, and hanging out every once in a while, and vice-versa, but I’m not trying to be best friends with them, nor do I want to hang out with them all the time. They are your friends, not mine. So, I’m going to hang out with my friends, and you continue to hang out with yours. And, please don’t feel obligated that you have to invite me to come along all the time. I’m not going to feel any type of way because you don’t invite me. Hell, I’m not going to invite you every time I go hang out with them. Now, if it’s some place out of town, or a concert, or a movie I’ve been expressing I want to see, then let me know. I may not want to go, but extend the invite.” And, you know what, sweetie, it works.

Look, stop worrying, wondering, and stressing over what he may or may not be doing without you while he’s with his friends. He’s going to do what he’s going to do regardless, and you can’t stop him. Just like when you hang out with your friends, and you do what you do. He can’t stop you because you’re grown, and you’re going to do what the hell you want to do anyway. Let him have his fun, and you go and get you some business and enjoy yourself. Then when he comes home you continue to have more fun! Remember, the space and time apart allows you both time to decompress, let your hair down, laugh, and enjoy some time with others who are part of your life, and they want to celebrate you and your love life as well. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Dear Bossip,

My ex recently went to jail for a domestic charge, but he still wants to be a part of our daughter’s life.  

Let me rewind for a second. You see, we’d been together for 3 years. He is 23 and I’m 21-years old, and going to school for nursing. He is a high school drop-out. We met through mutual friends. Things started off okay, but then they became rocky. He doesn’t know how to hold his liquor, nor does he know how to keep hands to himself; which I found out the hard way.

I’ve been through a lot with this man – I’ve had his child, and as well as being choked, and dragged by my hair. Pretty much to him I’m his equal in strength. I was his enabler, and the couple of jobs he’s had they were never stable. He’s also very insecure. He told me to get an abortion twice, not to mention him cheating on me when I was 3 months. Before him I had a lot of confidence. Now, I don’t know.

So, now we have a 5-month old.  When I was pregnant he acted as if he was so happy. But, he stressed me out my whole pregnancy. Thankfully my baby was born healthy.  We bring her home and he starts screaming at her to stop crying, swearing at her and what have you. Mind you, he was already no help (I had a C-section) and couldn’t do much, so I had to end my recovery to be able to care for our child because I didn’t want things to escalate. Due to our relationship I don’t have many friends or family.

The situation at hand is that I got a restraining order on him where I was awarded full custody. I let him come by to see the baby, and when I asked him to help bring the baby down the stairs for me (he brings down the carriage & stroller combined), the baby tipped over. His excuse is that he thought I had the other end. I know I’m stupid for letting him come by, but that is his child. I feel it was on purpose, although he was crying crocodile tears. I called the police because I was concerned for the well-being of my baby. Now, he wants me to hold him down. Puhhleeaase. My question is should I even let him be a part of her life? I didn’t have that male figure. I so want her to have that bond, but not under those circumstances. Or, if it costs her safety, sanity, and innocence.  Please help! – Ms. Helpless

Dear Ms. Helpless,

You know what I can’t stand – anyone who calls themselves “Helpless.” It makes my blood boil when I hear people say, “I’m helpless.” NO THE “F” YOU ARE NOT! Stop claiming helplessness. You are not weak. Stop saying that! You have the power of your life, and your child’s life. You have the power to decide what happens to you. No one can do anything to you that you don’t allow them to. So, stop being a victim and become a victor!

Girl, this man has repeatedly whooped your ass over and over again, and you’re considering putting your daughter’s life in this predicament with a known abuser? Please help me to understand this. Please help me to see what reasoning can you possible have in allowing your child to be with a man who attempted to knock your dumbass down the stairs while carrying his child?

Not only does he need help, but your ass needs some help as well. Who will knowingly remain in a relationship with a man, as an enabler (I’m glad you admit your part), who beats on you, and then have a child with this man? What????!!! Why??!!! You continued to lay down with this man and procreate? He shouldn’t have had any nuts to produce any sperm after the first time he laid hands on you. That would and should have been his last time putting his hands on anybody. Chile, I wish a man would drag me by my $2,500 lacefront. He wouldn’t have awakened after he went to sleep. You should have waited until his ass was good and drunk, then tied him up (I’m talking about hands and feet bound with duct tape, rope, and cord), and then you should have tortured his ass! I’m talking about razors, salt, vinegar, rubbing alcohol, bats, clubs, brass knuckles, and an electrical cord.

Honey, let me break this down for you: There is nothing he can do for you or your daughter. Yeah, yeah, you want your child to have a relationship with her father because you didn’t have one, but Ms. Honey, he is not a father. He is not a man. He is a sperm donor. He cannot teach your daughter anything other than how to run from a man who is abusive! Keep your child away from him! If you want your child to make it to age 1, then do not, and I mean DO NOT allow him near your child.  You even stated that you are concerned for her well-being. Then, under what pretense are you giving this any type of consideration? Please, dear Lawd, let me contain myself before I come to your house and knock some sense into your big ass dome.

But, let’s look at his credentials: He’s 23-years old, a high school drop-out, can’t maintain a stable job, a cheater, manipulator, liar, ABUSER, an alcoholic, and is currently in jail for a domestic violence charge. Hmmm, does this sound like a winner to you? Looking at him on paper does he make a suitable mate or father? Does his pedigree scream Father of The Year, or a man who is capable or able to care for his child responsibly, and with maturity? I’ll let you ponder that for a moment. I know it may take a moment for it to sink into your head. I’m sure the damage from him dragging you by your hair has shifted your brain, thus, impairing your judgment and cognitive thinking skills.

Girl, please move, and I literally mean, MOVE, and go someplace far away. Don’t have any contact with him. There is no need to have any conversations. There is nothing to discuss. He has repeatedly shown you who he is. He is not going to change. Nothing will be different. This is what you need to know: Once an abuser, always an abuser. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.  Make sure to go to court, and get child support payments set up. Have them make it possible whereas the payments are deducted from his pay, and put into an account that you set up. Then, let the court know that you feel threatened and afraid for you and your daughter’s safety. Show them the paperwork from his domestic charge, and that he’s been arrested and in jail. Honey, you go in the court and you perform! You hear me, damn it! You let the court know how scared you are, and that you are in hiding. Show me your petrified face. No, not that ugly ass face. A petrified face! Girl, start practicing on looking scared, nervous, and petrified. Now, when you move, he doesn’t need to know where you live, your phone number, email, or any means of contact. Block him out of your life, and make sure that restraining order remains in effect. You say that you had a lot of confidence before him, well, girl, it’s going to take you digging deep within yourself and finding it again. Get it back and get your Wonder Woman strength! Don’t ever relinquish your power to any man. Don’t ever allow yourself to be some man’s punching bag. And, don’t you ever let a man drag you by that fierce hairpiece. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Dear Bossip,

I am a 22-year old female who just graduated from college.

I was involved in a relationship with a 25-year old man for two years. Initially we started talking on the phone before we met in person. My dad went on a business trip to my country (West African country), and came back telling me his friend’s brother saw a picture of me and really liked me. At first I was confused and really didn’t care, but a few weeks later I started receiving phone calls from a random guy all the way in Africa. I picked up the call because I thought it was one of my family members, but when I didn’t recognize who he was, he introduced himself, and told me he was in fact the guy that liked me.

I asked him how he got my number and he said my dad gave it to him. I was very reluctant to talk to him, but being a polite person I would make small conversation with him whenever he called. I didn’t talk to him for long because I wasn’t interested, but like I said, I didn’t want to be rude.

A year later, I decide to travel to my country to visit my family, and somehow, someway, we ended up at his family’s home for a get-together. I’ve never seen him before and didn’t know what he looked like, but I knew I was at his home. All of a sudden, a man walked up behind me and asks me if I’m the person he’s been talking to all this while and I said yes. He introduced himself again and asked me out on a date. I was a little embarrassed because I wasn’t expecting to see him. I thought he was cute and was instantly attracted to him, but I didn’t care to know him since we lived two continents away. Once again I didn’t want to be rude so I agreed to go on a date with him. He picked me up and took me to random places and then back to his house and we hung out and talked. He gave me a phone to stay in contact with him since I left my phone in the states.

I started to develop feelings for him and really started to see his personality. For the rest of the time there, he took me to different places and even started to tell me he loved me, all within a span of three days. I was overwhelmed but I didn’t know what to think. When I got back to the states, we stayed in touch and regularly talked on the phone. I became bored with the relationship since he was so far away and had no way of coming here, unless I married him, and filed for him. I wasn’t ready for marriage and decided to break things off. He wouldn’t hear of it and constantly told me he loved me and wants to marry me. I didn’t want to break his heart and decided to tough it out. I was beginning to fall in love with him, but I wasn’t ready for marriage. I didn’t know what to do.

One day, he wrote me on Facebook and gave me the greatest news, he was coming to the states on a student visa. I was ecstatic about the news. When he came he landed in Virginia. I was angry, again, because I live in California and he lives in Virginia. I asked him why he didn’t come to Cali and he said because he thought all the states were close to each-other. We decided to do the long distance thing and would regularly fly around to see each-other. He would tell me how much he loved me and how much he wants to marry me every single day. I became convinced that we were meant for each other.

On Christmas day 2010, I called to wish him a merry Christmas, and a woman who referred to him as baby asked him to pick up the phone. Blood rushed through me. I kept saying, “Hello, hello,” and the phone went dead. I called and called and called but no answer. I then went on Facebook to his page and saw a girl he once told me about and wanted to help him get his green card by marrying him. I went to her page and there were pics of them together and she was calling him her boyfriend. I was devastated, how could he do this to me after everything. I didn’t understand it and I contacted the girl. She was bold enough to tell me to check my man and blah blah because she has him. I thought about our family, my father, how close we all are. From the same village in our country, and the shame that comes with it.

I decided to end it right then and there before it gets too deep. After two weeks, he calls me acting normal. I cursed him out and broke up with him. He begged me and begged me saying that the girl is crazy, a liar and likes him, but he loves me and wants to marry me. I didn’t believe him, but he wouldn’t stop begging and begging, so I decided to give him a chance. For the whole year of 2011, we decided to start over and I would regularly go on the girls Facebook page.

In September, I went to her page, clicked on her pics and saw more pictures of them together as a couple. I wasn’t shocked, but I was angry and felt played. I called him again, cursed him out and told him never to call me again. I told him that he didn’t deserve me and everything I did for him, and that I did them from my heart and not because he used me. I cut off all contact with him and after about a week of me crying and sobbing uncontrollably, he calls me telling me that the girl is still crazy. The pics were taken at a party with other people and she cut them out and only left him. I asked him if she was so crazy, why are you still hanging around her? Why is she still your friend on Facebook? And, if you love me and know she’s trying to break up our relationship, why are you still communicating with her? I don’t remember the answer to these questions. I kept hanging up on him and asking him to leave me alone. He kept calling and calling, and telling me I need to be strong because other people are out to destroy what we’ve built and I’m letting them.

After about two weeks, I relented and gave it another try. After we moved on again, I wasn’t stupid, I knew something was going on, but I didn’t want to break it off just on circumstantial evidences. I wanted to have the real proof and know that I wasn’t crazy. So, I went to visit him for Christmas. This was the make it or break it trip for me. I booked a one-way flight after he begged me for two months to come visit. He didn’t want to come to Cali because I still live with my parents and he didn’t want my family intruding. He promised to pay for my ticket back and I believed him. I went, and the first two days we had a blast. Then he had to go to work. He worked at a nursing home as a counselor and did multiple shifts in one night. He decides to go for the night shift and promised to come back in the morning. He came back and then went for another shift and this continued for the rest of the trip. I became annoyed and hung up on him when he called to check up on me. After that, he never came back for three days. I didn’t see or hear from him even on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day.

I was distraught, heartbroken and scared. Here I was in this state, no money to get back home and nowhere to go. I called him and asked him to pay for my ticket to return, and he blatantly told me he had no money. I was shocked and realized right then and there that he was the devil’s son. I called him that and hung up on him and borrowed some money from a friend to go home. After I left he called me twice, but I never answered and that was the last I ever heard from him, and it has now been a few months. I still think about him from time to time and cry about the situation a lot because I loved him and still do. But, I refuse to go back to him. All I want to know is why, what was his motive after all these years. Please don’t crucify me because I decided to give love a chance. I just want your opinion as to why he was so adamant on being with me and marrying me and then doing what he did. – Annoyed

Dear Ms. Annoyed,

It’s really hard to not crucify you after this man has shown you that he is the devil’s spawn, and doesn’t give two cents about you. Because, in the midst of it, you kept putting yourself in the situation even after you had proof that he was cheating on you, lying to you, and only using you so that he could get into this country. YOU HAD BLATANT PROOF, YET, YOU OPTED TO NOT TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. YOU OPTED NOT TO FOLLOW YOUR GUT, AND YOUR LOGICAL REASONING THINKING MIND. YOU LET THIS FOOL TRIP YOU UP WITH THE OLE OKEY DOKE, “I love you. That girl is crazy, and she doesn’t mean anything to me. She’s a liar. You’re the one I want to be with. They are just trying to break us up, and tear us apart from one another.” Really! Really, girl?

His motive after all these years was to use you so that he could get into this country. That is it. That is all. He didn’t want anything more with you.

Chile, men will say anything, and you women will fall for it every single time. Even after you have all the proof, all the evidence, and even catch them in the act, you will let him say those three words, “I love you,” and everything goes out of the window. SIGH! Please, please, please women stop letting a man tell you how much he loves you, yet, he is doing everything completely opposite of what love is. He’s lying, manipulating, deceptive, cheating, abusive, and using you. D**k comes a dime a dozen. And, the man attached to it will make you think his is special, unique, and one-of-a-kind. Chile, it, nor he, isn’t!

Now, let’s move on. First, I hate to tell you this, but, err, uhm, you were not involved in a relationship for two years. You were mislead and deceived for two years. A relationship involves two people who are committed to one another, and they both are contributing to the relationship. Your African lover was not. Basically, you were in a relationship with yourself with the hopes of it being a mutual exchange. Your African lover did what so many immigrants do when they want to leave their home country – They solicit young naïve women into believing they were meant to be together, and their undying love crosses continents and the oceans keep them apart, and in order for you two to be together, because he will do anything to be with you, it is you who must risk marrying them and bringing them to the good ole U. S. of A. so that you can live blissfully in love as his queen. LMBAO! And, you fell for it. SMDH! You’re from Africa, so how could you not see this one coming?

That damn man saw a picture of you when your dad was visiting your country. Two things happened: Your dad was there on business, which meant your African suitor saw this as an opportunity to come up because he assumed your dad had money. Then, when he saw your picture and he had a light bulb moment, “Feign interest in this woman because it will get me into the country. It’s a win-win for me. I get to marry a rich man’s daughter, and I get into the United States.”

Now, he comes to the United States on a student visa. Uhm, boo boo, what school is he enrolled in? He got here on a student visa, yet, you never stated which school he was in, or planning to attend. Thus, this should have sent bells off in your head. He has been, and is, thirsty to be in this country. And, the woman who answered his phone on Christmas Day, the woman who called him baby, the woman he told you about and who wanted to marry him to get him here, and the woman you contacted on Facebook and she told you to check your man, uhm, sweetie, DING! DING! DING! Let’s do some deductions and equations to this situation, and what do you have? Awww, yes, he married her to get into this country, and never told you, but, he keeps you around because, I don’t know, what do you think?

Honey, when you learned of this woman, and she answered the phone saying, “Baby,” that should have sealed the deal right then and there. No more contact. No answering the phone. No discussion. No nothing. But, then, this fool didn’t contact you for two weeks, and you picked up the phone?!?! Chile, it wouldn’t have been me. No ma’am. There would have been no more going back and forth. Honey, you should have casted some roots on that man!!!

But, this is what I don’t understand. You bought a one-way ticket to go see this man who had been lying to you, constantly making you look like a fool, filling your head with manipulative and deceptive stories of his undying love for you, and you bought this? Yeah, I see the dumb gene is universal. No matter what part of the world you come from, there is one born every minute. And, one born every minute refers to a “Sucker Ass Trick.”

But, hold up, this fool disappeared for three days when you got there, and then told you that he wasn’t buying your ticket to get back home? WOW! WOW! WOW! I would have burned all of his clothes, trashed all his belongings, and then went through his drawers and found his visa and took it! He would never be able to travel in, or out of this country, EVER AGAIN! (But, let me repent, and do some whoo-sas! That’s the old me! LOL)

Please stop crying over this man. He used you. He lied to you. He didn’t want anything with you other than to use you to get into this country. He found another woman who was naïve and dumb enough to marry him and bring him to this country. If I were you I’d call immigration and report his ass and the scheme he did. That’ll teach his ass!! You’re too smart, and young, to be crying over some man who ain’t –ish, and doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. He can’t afford to take care of you, or be with you. You did all the spending on your relationship. You invested in the relationship. He didn’t invest anything. Not one damn thing! Please re-read your letter, and take notice to the lies, the work, and effort you made each and every time to make it work. Then, I want you to consider the plethora of men who are in this country, who are available, mature, relationship-driven, and are not trying to use you or take advantage of your heart. Yes, my African Queen, it’s time to open your eyes, and recognize where you come from, and the power, beauty, grace, and intelligence you possess! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Dear Bossip,

I have a major relationship problem and I need your advice.

The situation is a little complicated, however, I am going to summarize it nice and simple. Here we go:

I have been with my youngest daughter’s father for over 7 years. I have two kids prior to him, ages 8 and 7 years old. He came into their lives when they were 1 and 2 years old. We had our daughter in 2008 (she is now 4), so he accepted my kids prior to us having kids together.

At the time, when we met, we rushed into moving in with each other fairly quickly, however, we were ready and wanted to be with each other.

Well, my relationship with my mother isn’t all that great and he knows of the things in which she has done, and caused in my life. At the time we moved in together my mom held a grudge against me because I wouldn’t take custody of my older cousins’ 5 kids, who got lost to CYF. I didn’t take custody of them because I have my own darn life and I had my own 2 kids, so it was not my responsibility. So, instead of coming to me with this, my mother went to him and told him all this negative stuff about me, which was not true.  In return, he came and told me and I just turned away from my family. Furthermore, my mom went to the extent to almost break me and him up; he’s into the fast life and she tried to bring him down!!!!  Enough said right there.

So, he in return HATES HER!  He also does not get along with my younger sister and it’s understandable. She did some negative things that she won’t take responsibility for.  In conclusion, he chooses to stay away from them and he doesn’t want to breathe their same AIR. And, for 7 years, I did exactly what he requested.

All the while, I stayed away from my family. I missed them dearly. My children could not have a relationship with their grandmother, or aunt, and a big part of me was missing. I knew what it was, but didn’t care. I guess you can say I started questioning him and asking him if he could just give it another chance because I was missing my family terribly. I know they are corrupted, but they are my FAM!  He refuses and says they have done too much for him to trust them, and I understand that, but I need closure so that I can be happy again. However, he refuses.

We are not together anymore because of this situation. He and my mother, and sister, will never like each other, and I want to be happy. I love him, but I’m not going to keep turning away from my family. Life is a bunch of mistakes, and forgiveness needs to be sought, while the past will never change. I am just so torn between both sides, so I choose to be alone with my 3 kids so I can have a relationship with both sides.

He loves me and I know it. He uses what my mom has done in the past and throws it up in my face constantly. I am trying to rebuild my relationship with my mother to get closure for past wounds, and he’s not receptive to this and doesn’t understand my reasoning. I know my mom has done and said a lot to hurt me PERSONALLY, and she was not there for me when she was supposed to be, but that’s the past. I am ready for a new beginning relationship.

Why is he not receptive, understanding and or passionate about me getting closure and rebuilding my relationship with my mom? Is he jealous or trying to look out for my best interest because I am CONFUSED? – Trying To Rebuild

Dear Ms. Trying To Rebuild,

Girl, the most poignant thing you stated in your letter is: Life is a bunch of mistakes, and forgiveness needs to be sought, while the past will never change. Honey, you’re telling the truth. If only more people were so willing to forgive and move on to build loving relationships with their parents, and families, the world would be in a much better place.

I am a strong advocate of families learning to love and forgive one another. There are things that momma, daddy, your brother, and sister did to you, or said to you out of anger, frustration, or for whatever reason, but, Ba-By, when I tell you the power of forgiveness and learning to rebuild and reconnect with family is so powerful and amazing!

And, I am certain that the reason your ex-boyfriend can’t seem to get on board with you is because he’s hurt. And, when people are hurt they hurt other people. Which is why he is attacking your mother and sister. And, in the end the only people losing out are the children. For several years you kept your children away because you were hurt and angry. You and your boyfriend had a common bond at one time, and it was being against your family. But, once you grew, matured, and decided to forgive you moved on. However, your boyfriend is still in the same space. He hasn’t grown. This explains why your relationship ended. People outgrow one another. You’re in a different place, and he’s still holding on to the past. Chile, the past will do nothing but keep you bound to the past. So, while you’re moving forward, being happy, and reconnecting with family, he is bound to the past, and wants to stay angry and hurt, and you know what they say about misery – it loves company!

He needs time to heal his wounds, and it may take a while, but, he has to be willing to heal and move on. He has to get to a place in his heart and mind to say, “You know what, this isn’t worth it. Being mad, angry, upset, hurt, and bitter over something that happened months, years, and decades ago is not serving me, or my relationship. So, let it go. Forgive. And, move on.”

I can’t tell you the power of forgiveness and how it’s helped me with my relationship with my family. I could’ve stayed mad and upset with my momma, aunts, cousins, brother, and sister over something they said or did, but it wasn’t worth it. I missed out on so much valuable and important family time because I wanted to be stubborn and be mad. Chile, I let that stuff go. I gave it up, and moved on.

And, I’m proud of you for maturing. I’m proud of you for letting go what happened in the past. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. And, it has given you the power back over your life. Your children can enjoy their grandmother and aunt. You get to rebuild a relationship with them, and your family can heal and keep moving forward.

You can’t make your boyfriend do something he is not ready to do. He is not ready to move on. He is not ready to forget and forgive. I’m also certain that there are people in his own family that he probably holds grudges against, and is angry with. He sees that you’re happy, and he probably wants the same thing with whomever he’s holding a grudge against, but his pride and ego won’t let him do so. Because it will require him to forgive, and let it go. As a man, he probably has too much pride to let it go, so, he’s going to keep holding on to it. He doesn’t realize that it’s not serving him, or benefiting him. He thinks he’s right, and just for his anger. Therefore, until he is ready to let go of the hurt, anger, and pain, he will always be hurting, angry, and in pain. And, those emotions and feelings are like an old blanket, they are comfortable and they feel good. Sometimes you’ve got to wash the blankets, or get some new ones, and that requires adapting new feelings, emotions, and thoughts.

Don’t let that stop you from doing what you got to do. Enjoy your family, and this new journey that you’re on. And, until he can come around and be willing to forgive and move on, then you need to keep him at a distance because he will certainly try to bring you back to that dark and dismal place. He will constantly remind you of what your mother did, and what your sister did, but you can look at the present moment and say, “This is a new day. It’s new beginnings, and I refuse to allow what happened in the past dictate my future. I’m living life like it’s golden.” – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Dear Bossip,

Well, Terrance, here is the story let’s just dive in. My story is that of wanton stupidity. Let’s start from the beginning.

After being incarcerated for 10 years, from age 19 to 30 years old, I moved to a city I have never been to, mainly to get a new start. I just wanted something better than the outs that my life had been affording.

I met a woman and the fear of being alone again made me move faster than I truly would have done before in my life. We were married on some, “Surprise,” we have the paper, and I know a preacher type deal. Let me back up and say that I loved this woman, but now know we were better friends than anything else. I was working and making a good living, but my home life was not what I wanted. I was able to do what I wanted – pay no bills and basically jack off my earnings while she paid the bills. A dream life for most of the men I know, however, more of a nightmare for me.

The reality of my situation is that prison had given me a sense of accountability and the need to take care of self. I met this woman at work, and she just had a child, and we were instant friends. After 7 months of getting to know this woman and her son, I was totally in love and it seemed complete. As it gave me a sense of taking care of me, and that someone needed me was great and a blessing. The child’s father just wasn’t there in any sense of the word, more so in the way of true progress. Life was good and we started experiencing things that I thought were way out of my realm of possibilities.

Now the true story begins when this woman became my wife and from the beginning the problems arose with her sisters, who both had men out of jail, and their situations were night and day. So, imagine the bull-ish going on in our lives. Well, to be short, the sister let me know that not only could I have sex with her, but she had a girlfriend and that she and her would put on a show for me. Well, after the show I did the unthinkable and slept with the sister. The worse mistake of my life. After much agonizing we decided to bury this information and not speak of it again. Well, 10 years later when her marriage of less than a year is in shambles, due to her husband’s crack problem, and the fact that she was responsible for the kids, and she has 6 of which are by four different men, she decided that she would let him know. I didn’t mention that her husband was my best friend.

Well, because of his addiction and his need to ok with his absences to deal with his problem, he decided that not only does she need to tell what happened 10 years ago, but the whole family needs to be made aware of this. So, they spoke with the Pastor and the Pastor had a meeting with my wife’s whole family, which excluded me and my wife. So, now her whole family knows of this and no one says anything for a couple months. Now, after that you can image the state of my marriage.

Well, we have been hanging on by a thread. For the past 3 years our marriage has taken a backseat to anger, humility, non-trust issues, and just all out a 180 degree turnaround. I have taken all that I can, but due to this being my fault I have absorbed all the punishment I can take. I advised my wife that we needed counseling, so we went as it was my idea. But, that didn’t really help her hurt because it is too embedded. Although, things are getting better, but for obvious reasons is not the same. My question is can we make past the past, or have I been a part of something that will never go away? I love my wife and she is my best friend, but her pain has wiped away our lives and our happiness. I just don’t want to waste anymore of this brief life we have if this can’t be fixed. There are so many twist and turns with the story that it could be a book. In my defense, although no excuse for my behavior, I am a great provider, and a wonderful father. I have adopted our son, and I’m the only father he knows. We have another child, of which I have never missed a doctor’s appointment, school visits, afterschool activities, parent teacher conference, and any and everything they do that I can be a part of. I am stuck and really am at a loss. So, everyone beware whatever is done in the dark will come to light. – Trying To Live In The Light

Dear Mr. Trying To Live In The Light,

So, let me get this straight, just because your ass fell for the ole okey doke with your wife’s sister, and your dumbass went and had sex with her, you want some repentance, and for your wife to get over it and move on so that YOU can be happy? You want things to go back to the way they were, and you’re accusing your wife’s pain of wiping away your lives and happiness? Really! Really? You slept with her sister!!! You brought your Just-Released-From-Prison-Horny-Looking-For-A-Threesome-Ass to a new city and took advantage of your wife. You destroyed your marriage. You destroyed her life, and you are responsible for the unhappiness, anger, and betrayal she feels. So, yes, you do deserve the rightful punishment that you are getting. And, I clearly do not believe that it’s enough.

Sending you back to prison wouldn’t resolve anything, because you obviously didn’t learn anything while you were there, and you stated that it gave you a sense of accountability. So, in the words of Celie from “The Color Purple,” the very jail you made for your wife is the very one you’re going to rot in! Freaking douche bag bastard!

And, you clearly stated early on in your letter that you made a mistake and got married, and that you moved to fast, and for fear of being alone you married this woman, but realize that you are better as friends. So, why are you trying to save this marriage? You also stated that your home life was not what you wanted. As a matter of fact you said it was a nightmare. So, why are you trying to save this marriage?

You, Mr. Retard, were in prison from 19 to 30 years old, thus, you missed your entire youth, prime ages for most men who are sowing their oats, and instead of taking things slow and getting your life together, and perhaps dating a few women, your donkey ass meets this woman, takes advantage of her niceness, her situation, and marry her, then after some careful thought of your former prison life and the sense of accountability it gave for YOU, you have this “Ah ha” moment of knowing that you made a mistake. Hmmmmm, but instead of rectifying this mistake, you sleep with her sister, conspire to keep it a secret, and 10 years later after it’s revealed you’re shocked that your wife is hurt, angry, humiliated, and that your marriage is on the rocks because of the mistrust, disloyalty, and deception. WOW! You people truly are special. I bet there is a farm where you all live on in some backwoods.

Chile, your wife deserves to be upset, angry, and feel humiliated. You slept with her sister. You deceived her into believing that your marriage was this happily-ever-after fairytale, and I know that you haven’t been honest with her about your true feelings of being just friends, and not a married couple. So, again, why are you shocked, and why are you trying to save this marriage?

And, no, Ole-Criminal-Ass-Trying-To-Use-Your-Prison-Psychology-In-The-Real-World, you don’t have a defense. This is not a court of law, and we all object to you trying to claim how great of a provider and father you are to your children. HERE’S A NEWSFLASH: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A PROVIDER AND FATHER. THAT’S WHAT REAL MEN DO.  So, that pat you want on your back, reach over and touch your toes, I’ll let Bubba and ‘em pat you on the backside!

I’ll give you some credit, some prison credits, for attempting to get counseling for your marriage, but you can’t undo the pain, hurt, and humiliation that you caused your wife by sleeping with her sister. And, the fact that you two conspired together and hid it from your wife for 10 years. What else are you hiding? What else have you not told your wife? I’m sure there are some other things you’re keeping a secret. And, I don’t believe that you chose to move to another city after you got out of prison because you wanted a new start. I’m not buying that. I think you were, or are, running from your past of where you came from, and whatever you did there, well, guess what? It is showing up where you are now! BOOM! BAM! POW! You didn’t change, you just changed your location. So, whatever issues, demons, or dirt you’re trying to hide, you better resolve those and be truthful with yourself first. And, the relationship with your wife is going to have to run it’s course. You’ve deceived her. Lied to her. And, misled her. I’m surprised she is still there. She needs to divorce your ass quick fast and in a hurry. So, be prepared for whatever outcome you get, and if it means ending the marriage, then rightly so. You created this problem, so be man enough to deal with the consequences. And, you’re absolutely right, what is done in the dark will always come to the light! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Dear Bossip,

I truly and extremely enjoy your advice. You’re honest, sometimes brutally honest, but I love and respect that.

I’ve been married to my husband for two years. He’s got 3 older kids with his ex. We have one toddler and another on the way. This is the first marriage for both of us. I always dreamed my first marriage would be my only marriage because of my Christian beliefs, but now not so much.

To make a long story short, after we found out I was pregnant, he was happy, but then arguments came. In my 1^st trimester he told me to get an abortion during every argument, which was about 7 times. I said very, very ugly things as well (i.e. deadbeat, bum, bish, etc). Then I broke my own cardinal rule after he started putting his phone on vibrate at night and I went through it. I found what I knew would be there, and so I stopped having sex with him and moved out.

My final straw is the ex recently got out of jail and we’ve had altercations, and in one argument he stated he’s going back to his real family (they were never married or engaged). She also texts/calls him begging for sex, and for them to get back together. He says he ignores her. I don’t believe him and I don’t feel ignoring certain actions are good enough.

I’ve filed for divorce. In the midst of all of this are the apologies from him and the promises to do better, and that he will not maliciously hurt me again. But, as you can see he kept doing it. He says he loves me (eye roll), but I don’t see it. Everyone that I’ve tried to talk to about this says I’m the bad guy and I shouldn’t give up and abandon him. Marriage isn’t good overnight, etc, etc.

I do not agree with any of these people and I just want an unbiased opinion and to make sure I’m not crazy. Oh yeah, he also has never helped me with any bills that are mine, and before I stopped letting him use my car he would run out all my gas and only put back $20 worth. I’m no saint, but I have done right by him and I respect my marriage vows. I don’t talk to other men or my exes who still try to keep in contact. My past doesn’t affect him, so why do I have to deal with his? His ex has done/is doing ratchet stuff and it’s too much to name. He says get over it and let’s start over. I forgive him, but I don’t feel like I’m supposed to pretend to forget words that can never be taken back. Please help. – Husband’s A Jerk, Now What

Dear Ms. Husband’s A Jerk, Now What,

So, you married a man who has 3 other kids from another woman, and, for obvious reasons, they have to remain in communication/contact with one another (I digress), but, she’s asking for more, ANNNNNNNNDDDDDD, you went through his phone and discovered lawd knows what (you didn’t say what you discovered), he’s said to you on numerous occasions that you should abort his child that you are currently carrying, ANNNNNNNDDDDDDDD in an argument he’s said to you that he’s going back to his real family. Hmmmmm, why didn’t you pack his bags and help him move? If he’s so miserable and unhappy with you, and thinks he’s better off with his ex, then let him go. If he wants you to abort your child, and I’m certain it’s because the other 3 he has with his baby momma are kicking his butt in child support, then let him know (this is where you hold up your hand) that he now has 5 kids he’s responsible for. So, take his narrow ass and get a second job, and step up to the plate and take care of his responsibilities.

But, let’s reflect on your letter. The issues with your marriage are several things which include miscommunication, disloyalty, mistrust, money, and unresolved issues with his baby momma. And, those key elements make a marriage, and unfortunately I wouldn’t say that you have a marriage. You’re just two people living together, and going through the motions of relationship drama like every other couple. You’re acting like little ass kids with one another and both of you are stomping your feet and pouting trying to get your points across. Instead of communicating with one another, like grown adults do, he’s trying to belittle and demean you with his tactic of spewing hateful things, and you up the ante with your name-calling trying to belittle and demean him. Each of you is trying to outdo the other. And, at the end of the day, what is this proving? What have you two accomplished? Yeah, just as I figured, not a damn thing!

This is what I want you to do: Sit down with him and ask him what is a marriage? Ask him to describe it, and what it looks like. And, I want you to do the same thing. Let him know what your idea or thoughts are about marriage, what it looks like, and your expectations. And, it’s imperative that you listen to one another because arguing and trying to prove a point doesn’t work between you two. So, listen and if his definitions, expectations, and outlook on marriage are not your definition, expectations, and outlook, then you will have your answer.

But, I want to know why didn’t you two go through marriage counseling before getting married? This would have resolved all of those issues before you walked down the aisle, and I’m quite certain that you wouldn’t have made it down the aisle if your husband hadn’t resolved the issues with his baby momma, his exes that he remains in contact with, and his need to demean and belittle you. So, why are you putting up with it now? Why would allow yourself to be made to feel less than, and from the man who is supposed to make you his queen, his woman that he protects, uplifts, and celebrates? I don’t believe in being with someone who is going to talk negatively about me or to me. That is a no-no! If you feel the need to call me out of my name, talk to me like I’m some damn child, and demean or belittle me, then you can sit there and talk to your own damn fool self. I’m out! DUECES!

So, get into some couples therapy and speak with a marriage counselor. The root cause of your marriage is some unresolved issues that neither of you are putting on the table, and one of them happens to be his baby momma. If you don’t want her in your marriage, or your husband communicating with her other than to talk about his kids, then you’ve got to let him handle that with her. You knew what you were getting before you got married. So, that issue should have been resolved from the beginning. Now, he’s got to take care of business and put things in check. You and her are not going to be on the same page, and she definitely is not going to respect you and your marriage. She made that obviously known. So, your husband has got to get his damn balls out of his stomach, and be a man and let her know what’s what! And, hopefully you two can work out the other issues of communication, loyalty, money, and trust through marriage counseling. Don’t be afraid to open up and speak your mind. But, do it lovingly, and with an open heart. Don’t give up so easily on the marriage, not until you’ve exhausted all the resources. Besides, you did state that your first marriage would be your only marriage. Then work it out! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Dear Bossip,

I read your advice on Bossip and would like advice. I’m an ex-prostitute and I found the most wonderful man ever.

He tells me I’m beautiful every day. He works hard and wants us to be married before kids. He’s very nice looking, and gave me his password to his phone without me asking so I won’t think he’s cheating. He told me everything about his life from his family to all his exes. He’s told me that I am the best woman to ever enter his life.

Well, here’s the problem I’m having: I know everything about his past, but he knows little white lies about me. He thinks I used to be a medical assistant, but I was a prostitute. He has gotten back in touch with his uncle, who is a cop, and he’s ran background checks on a few of his exes.

I’m afraid that one day he will ask him to run one on me, and all he will have to do is Google me and my whole past will pop up with my past arrests. And, before your fans judge me, I am no longer a prostitute. I’m in school for Cosmetology, and I do care-giving at a nursing home. I am very faithful to him, so don’t think that all hoes can’t change, look at Mary Magdalene. God saved her, and I’m saved now, too. But, I don’t want my past to change my future.

He knows everything else about me, except for what I use to do for work. This is the man I prayed about, and he made me not ever want to do that again, even if I was broke. He said he sees me being his wife, and the mother to his children. And, every time we see hoes on TV, he tells me how disgusted he is with them, and will never touch them. This really bothers me. I mean, I’m a good girl now, but sometimes I feel like he deserves better. Should I tell him what I use to do even though I’m STD free and work now? Or, just leave it in the past? – Confused Girl

Dear Ms. Confused Girl,

Girl, you sitting up here talking about he knows everything about you except for what you used to do for work. Bwahahahahahahaha! You are funny as hell. Chile, that man doesn’t know anything about you. The one lie you’ve told him is for the cover up of the bigger lie you started with. Thus, the lie about what you used to do is compiled by another lie of where you went to school to become this “medical assistant.” Ultimately, you’ve lied about your upbringing, background, family, friends, and love life. So, therefore, he does not know you!!! Stop lying to yourself and to me. Ugh! You folks wear me so thin with your B.S.!

And, Ms. Honey, since you want to claim my fans may judge you, girl, let me get your cheap synthetic hooker pony tail in check. Ain’t (yes, I said, “Ain’t”) nobody sitting around thinking about you, or judging you. You’re judging yourself! You’re the one ashamed of your past. You’re the one afraid that your man’s cop uncle will do a background check on you and discover the hoe you used to be. And, you’re the one lying and manipulating this man into believing something that isn’t true. So, before you throw shots at me and my fans, look at yourself first and get your house in order.

And, you were a prostitute. Not an escort, but a prostitute. Which means you stood on the street corner waiting for Johns to come and pick you up. You were working the hoe stroll. So, yes, you were a hoe! And, you sold your ass for no more than $50, and probably $30 for a blow job. (Please don’t ask me how I know this. LOL!) Now, you tell me if a hoe can be turned into a housewife!

But, hold up, you’re so damn concerned and scared about his uncle running a background check on you, and Googling you and all your arrests pop up. Uhm, sweetie, (I hope that was not your street name), but, what if you run into some of the girls you used to trick with? How are you going to explain how you know them? And, what if you come across a John, and he’s trying to get you to meet him in the bathroom, or in the back of his truck for a quickie? How are you going to explain that? I’ll wait while you ponder that.

Oh, yeah, one thing Jesus told all of those he healed, and blessed was, “Go, and sin no more.” So, yeah, you may be saved now, but you’ve got to “sin no more.” And, lying or deceiving the man whom you’ve told that you were a medical assistant, and all those other white lies you’ve feed him, well, you haven’t really changed now, have you? Prostitutes lie, deceive, manipulate, and make men feel good. It’s all an illusion. And, you’re only doing what you know how to do best. So, have you really changed, my dear?

Also, the bible states in Romans 12:2, “Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” So, have you been transformed in your mind? Have you truly transformed who you are, or are you picking and choosing which parts you want to be saved and changed? Girl, you don’t want to go there with me. Not today. I am not the one, or the trick looking for a treat.

And, the only reason it bothers you when he says that prostitutes and hoes disgust him, and that he will never touch one, is because you feel he’s talking about you. And, if you’ve changed and that is no longer who you are, then it shouldn’t or wouldn’t affect you. But, that’s what happens when you lie to yourself and others. Your past makes you feel guilty and uneasy when you are not forthcoming and deceiving folks.

If this man truly loves you, and how he feels for you is authentic, and true, then your past wouldn’t matter. He’s not in love with you for what you did, but for who you are today. He didn’t meet the woman you were. He met the woman that you are! BOOM! BAM! POW!

So, in the words of Big Momma and ‘em, it’s time to, “Tell the truth and shame the devil.” Sit down with this man and tell him the truth. Let him know who you used to be, what you used to do, and how you’ve changed and have become a new woman. Let him know about your past and why you did it. Be authentic and honest with him. The only thing he can do is walk away. And, if he does, then he wasn’t the man for you, but it should also teach you a valuable lesson – Be honest with people from the beginning. You have to allow them the opportunity to make valid and conscious choices with all the information so they can decide if they want to stay or not. Giving them half-truths, and bits and pieces of you is deceptive, and inconsiderate. You wouldn’t want anyone lying to you, and deceiving you into believing something and years later you discover it was all a lie. You question their motives, and everything they’ve ever told you. So, be honest!!! The healing of a new spirit and mind begins with forgiving and loving yourself first. If you haven’t forgiven yourself, and loved yourself for what you did, and how you’ve come through it, then how do you expect for someone else to do it? Begin with you, and tell yourself the truth. Be honest and the universe will open up the door of wonderful possibilities for love, truth, and happiness. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!