Dear Bossip: I Suspect My Man Is Gay, But He Says He’s Not, Yet He Hangs With Gay Men & He Failed A Lie Detector Test

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I strongly believe my child’s father is gay. He’s from New York, but we live in Atlanta.

I guess I’m confused because he’s only around gay men in Atlanta, and not in New York where he’s from. So, I don’t know if it’s because there are more gay men in Atlanta than New York, or if he’s actually looking for them here in Atlanta.

People used to tell me that he was probably on the Down Low because he was always around gay men, but when I asked him about it he got angry and denied it. The longer we were together the more I saw and the more I thought about it. Most of the people he’s around (in Atlanta) are gay, and for a “straight guy” he is extremely comfortable around gay men.

Even one of my gay friends told me that he really believes that there’s something going in between him (my child’s father) and his gay friend (who is somewhat out). When he told me that I had enough. It has been 3 years of me wondering, so I made an appointment for him to take a lie detector test. He seemed extremely eager to take the test to show me he wasn’t gay.

He took the test and to my surprise he FAILED. So, there it was in black and white. The man that I was in love with was gay, but of course he had an excuse for that, too. Apparently he’s been molested when he was a child, so he’s saying that is why he failed the test, but he still swears up and down that he is straight.

His gay friends say he’s straight, but everybody else says he’s gay. Even if he really did get molested as a child that doesn’t mean that’s why he failed the test. He can still be gay. Please help me if you can. I would really appreciate it. – Confused About His Sexuality

Dear Ms. Confused About His Sexuality,

Now, let me get this straight (pun intended). You suspect your boyfriend, who is also your child’s father, of being gay. And, in order to ease your suspicion you felt it best to have him take a lie detector test because this is your barometer to determine if he is gay, and if he is lying to you. Lo, and behold, he failed the test, and now you are here asking me if he is gay, and if you should stay with him. Hmmmm….really, sweetie, really? You want me to answer this for you when you already have the evidence that you need to make your own choice.

I can’t offer you any advice. I can’t tell you what to do if you won’t even take your own self seriously. You decided that you needed proof, and you set him up to take a lie detector test, and when you get the answer that you need to decide your next move, you won’t even move to do anything. So, what do you want me to tell you? UGH!

Hell, you may just be asking him the wrong question. Instead of asking him if he is gay, ask him if he is bisexual, or if he has an interest in sleeping or being with men and women? That’s probably why he keeps denying he is gay, because he doesn’t feel or identify as a gay man, but he may be bisexual. At any rate, who knows, because only he can answer that question, and at the end of the day, if you are unsettled about his sexuality, get out of the relationship. Plain and simple.

If you suspect he is gay, and it bothers you this much, then leave. If you don’t believe he is telling you the truth, and he keeps denying he’s gay, but for the past three years it continues to nag at you and your womanly intuition says leave, then leave. Why stay with someone and you don’t trust them? Why stay with someone and you question their sexuality every time they go out, and the friends he hangs with?

Ma’am, just because he has gay friends doesn’t make him gay. Just because he was molested as a child doesn’t make him gay. All men who have been molested as young boys do not turn out to be gay, and it does not cause them to be gay. And, just because everyone else says he’s gay because he hangs with gay men doesn’t make him gay. Do you notice that you are asking everyone, including your man, if he is gay, and you keep getting conflicting answers? Do you notice that no one has concrete proof of him being gay, yet, everyone either suspects, believes, or are not sure if he is? Some think or feel he is gay, others say he is not. But, what do you think? What do you feel? Have you caught him with another man? Have you seen him being intimate with another man?

Sure, he may have never done anything with a man, and he may have not even come out yet, or even identified, or recognized his own sexual interest in men at this point. Perhaps he does have interest, and he may be curious, or he is trying to figure out his sexuality. But, until then, you don’t know, and up until now he has told you that he is not gay. Now, the fact still remains you are leery, suspicious, and don’t believe him. The fact still remains he failed the lie detector test. You even said you had the proof in black and white, therefore, why stay? Girl, you are tormenting yourself, and making this more difficult than it has to be. JUST LEAVE.

By the way, there are not more gay men in Atlanta than there are in New York, or any other city. It’s just your perception, what the media has exploited, and what you are focusing on that makes you more aware of seeing and observing. Gay men are everywhere, and it’s just that previously you were not paying gay men any attention until you moved to Atlanta where everyone purports it is a major gay city. It is not.

So, again, if you are constantly questioning his sexuality, and it bothers you that he has this multitude of gay friends that he is always hanging out with, and you made him take a lie detector test to prove he is not gay, but he fails the test, then why stay? Why continue to torture yourself when you have the proof that you need?

Are you now going to wait until you actually find him in the bed with another man, and then he will lie to you and say they were just laying there talking, and you will still be asking if he is gay? – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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