I need some advice, as I am quite perplexed, due to my recent unfortunate discovery of my recently married wife who has been sending semi-nude photos to men online, and started to contact two of her ex-boyfriends.
Quick chronological order to simplify things:
2013 September: We did a registered marriage in front of just our immediate families, as we decided to apply for benefits together, do taxes jointly, etc. We live together in Los Angeles, and we are originally from Canada. All our friends and family are there, it’s just us both living in L.A.
2014 February: We start planning a wedding (in Toronto) – to have the religious and reception party. Things were getting hectic, as we had a big wedding inviting 350 people.
March-May: Lots of wedding planning, lots of stress in both our lives, with parents involved, and many differing opinions. Lots of little disputes. Wife makes up her mind that I am against her no matter what I input. Overall, things seemed fairly happy. We were a getting a bit emotionally disconnected due to our family differences (her parents are divorced. I come from a small knit close family upbringing). Her school/work stress added, and, my own work and career stress was also increasing.
June: Wedding planning almost done, lots of disputes between my wife and my parents. I am caught in between, and she is extremely demanding and feels I need to support her 100% of the time regardless of the situation. But, day to day, things seem fine. We get along fine, only wedding and family talk was the heated topic.
She then makes an account and starts to send extremely provocative pictures of herself to this FB guy she met online. She has a certain look that she loves. All her ex-boyfriends have fit this look and celebrities as well, the Chris Brown/ Swiss Beats look — mixed dude look. By this time we stopped having any sexual contact for weeks. From early to end June she sent about 4-6 pictures of herself.
In July, days before the wedding, a huge arguments breaks out. Her dad, a real hot-head, and her storm out of my parent’s house. Wedding almost breaks up, but somehow we talked it out and went through with it. It went well. We were happy – I was and she appeared to be. We went on a honeymoon – it was fantastic (to me, and she made it seem so). And, then, we recently both started new stressful jobs.
After our honeymoon, she says there is no spark in our marriage, and we talked about solutions – days after starting new and stressful jobs. A few days after she contacts her ex-boyfriends, two of them one after another, and start chatting, after almost 6-7 years after they broke up, and talked about the old days, etc. She does this on FB throughout the day, laying in bed, pretending to be sleeping.
I found all this on her computer and confronted her. She tried to hide it, and even in front of me she deletes the emails and tells me there is nothing. I already saw those emails during the day, so I knew there was stuff in the trash box. She said she feels horrible for doing it, and finally admitted to it. She said she is really remorseful. She is a big time attention whore on FB, and loves drama. I am truly and deeply hurt that days before the wedding, and days after the wedding she is doing this. – Please advise. – Trouble In The Marriage
Dear Mr. Trouble In The Marriage,
Uhm, sir, what are you perplexed about? Your wife, whom you just married and it ain’t even been a good month yet, has already sent nude photos to another man on FB, and she is communicating with two of her ex-boyfriends. And, when you confronted her about it she denied it, deleted the messages in front of you, and tried to hide them and attempted to make you look stupid. But, hold up, right after your honeymoon she tells you that your marriage has no spark. So, uhm, sir, again I ask, what are you confused and perplexed about?
Now, I don’t know if you read your letter before you sent it in, but I can clearly see what’s going on, and you should have notice the pattern from the beginning. First off, she isn’t happy. And, I’m not sure she wants to be married. But, that’s just my guess, and I could be wrong. However, a woman who is just married doesn’t send naked pictures of herself to some random man online, and she is not going to be reaching out to two of her ex-boyfriends to reminisce and catch up on old times. Oh, no sir! NOT IN MY HOUSE!
But, also in reading your letter I noticed that your families are too involved in your lives, which added to the stress before and after the marriage. If you notice, most of the arguments happened when your families were involved, particularly, it happened with your wife and your family. (Sips tea, slowly)
Not once did you mention that you and your wife did any pre-marital counseling before you got married. All of this could have been worked out before you got married, and any problems, issues, or challenges would have been brought to the forefront and addressed with a counselor. But, unfortunately, you both were pointing the finger at each other, blaming the other, and drifting apart. Then, you both had stressful jobs, she’s in school, and you live in another country where you have no support systems, and no friends.
Your wife is lonely. She feels alone. She didn’t feel you supported her, or listened to her while you were planning your wedding, and because she likes attention she felt you were not giving her any. So, she reached out online for attention. She connected with her ex-boyfriends because she wanted someone to hear her, to see, to make her feel wanted.
Now, I don’t condone what she did because she is wrong, and it was trifling of her to send nude pictures of herself to a man on FB, and she’s a married woman. And, she shouldn’t have reached out to her boyfriends and started up any type of conversations. Whatever issues or problems she had she should have come to you and talked about them. But, again, I’m not sure she wants to be married, or if she doesn’t know how to tell you that you’re not the man she wants. (Just an observation based on the information you provided regarding the types of guys she’s interested in, or have dated. I gather you don’t look like Chris Brown or Swizz Beats).
But, I digress. The problem is you don’t communicate with each other. You don’t talk to one another. You don’t listen to each other. All the signs of what’s going on in your relationship continued to grow and fester, yet, neither of you did anything to address any of it head on. Instead, you drifted apart, silently blaming the other, and she finally got tired and reached outside of the marriage to get what she was missing from you. ATTENTION! You did say she likes attention, and that she is demanding.
Read your letter again. The wedding planning and the marriage, it’s all about her. The arguments with your family, it’s all about her. Your household, she wants it to be all about her. She wants you to focus all your attention on her, yet, she is doing nothing to make you feel wanted, needed, or a part of this relationship.
And, let’s address the fact that your wife stated to you, after your honeymoon, that there is no spark in your marriage. WOW! No spark in the marriage, and you just got married. Yup, it’s all about her and what she wants.
So, ask her. Ask her what does she want from you. What does she expect. What is she looking for. What does she need. What sparks is she looking for, and what did she think marriage would be like. Because obviously you are not giving her the full undivided attention that she feels she needs or deserve. (I’m being facetious).
I recommend that you and your wife get into marriage counseling now. Today. There is some underlying issues and bigger problems that neither of you are addressing. You need to get to the root and bottom of them because it has already escalated whereas she is seeking other men for attention. She’s already sent nude photos of herself, and she’s reached out to two of her ex-boyfriends. She’s thinking of cheating. She’s already planning it.
Either, you attempt to work this out, attend the weekly counseling sessions, and start being honest with one another. Or, you get a divorce and find a woman who wants you for you, and someone who is not comparing you to other men. If you don’t nip this in the bud, well it’s too late for that, if you don’t prune these issues and eliminate them now, she will be in another man’s bed by next month. And, you will be trying to figure out why she is cheating on you and you haven’t even been married three months.
Sit and talk with your wife. Let her know what you will and will not put up with, what your expectations in this marriage are, and what you need in order to be a team, a unit, and a family. The communicating with ex-boyfriends has to end today. The sending of naked photos will never happen again. Working on her marriage, giving you the attention you deserve, and being equally responsible for making it work depends on her. You can’t build a marriage and work on your relationship if she feels the best way to handle her needs is to seek out other men. If she can’t comply with this, then it’s time to get this marriage annulled, and you move on. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: firstname.lastname@example.org Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!