Dear Bossip: My Baby Momma Doesn’t Help With The Kids, So I Have To

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been with my baby mother for 10 years and we have 2 kids, but the love just ain’t there.

I work two part-time jobs and go to school full-time while she does nothing. When I get home from work or school I come home to a dirty house filled with her sisters and/or cousins, and their kids.  She always has a damn attitude or bishing when I ask why she ain’t clean up or where’s dinner.

I take my kids to school, pick them up, help them with their homework, and also get them dressed. She does everybody and their momma’s hair, but rarely does her own kids hair. Most of the time I have to pay my sister to do it. I also have to wash the cloths, do the cleaning, the cooking, pay all the bills, and she buys most of the food with her food stamps.

She is always accusing me of cheating because I did twice over 6 years ago. She also says that the kids messed up her life. And, at times she says she’s overwhelmed because of them and disappears for a day. For the past 2 years we have not slept in the same bed or room, and we barley have sex. When we do, she says she doesn’t give head anymore, but at first that’s all she liked to do.

One day, I was fed up with her -ish and moved out, but she called the police on me and said I threatened to kill her. I was locked up for terrorist threats. I spent 3 months fighting the case behind bars before they finally dropped it. They dropped the case because she didn’t show up to testify. She agreed to not testify if I would come home, so I did because I didn’t want to go to jail and plus she said I will never see my kids again.

While I was locked up for 3 months she sold my car that I had stored in the garage so she can make rent. I also learned from my mom that she had parties at the home while I was locked up. When I asked her about it she said she only had one which was a rent party. To even make matters worse, while I was locked up she put me on child support while I was the one doing everything and bought everything for my kids.

I been hoping one day that she will get her -ish together, but I just realize she ain’t -ish and ain’t gone be -ish. Dear Bossip please help me because I’m at my breaking point. – Fed Up Dad

Dear Mr. Fed Up Dad,

When a man’s fed up…there ain’t nothing you can do about it! Come on, and sing with me.

You better be tired, over it, and fed up. Damn it! You out here working two part-time jobs, taking care of your kids, cleaning the house, cooking, doing the laundry, paying the bills, and taking your kids to school and helping them with their homework. All the things a dad is supposed to be doing for his children. So, therefore, no, you don’t get any sympathy from me.

Now, your trifling a** no good baby momma, well, that’s another story. She’s gutter for not doing her own children’s hair, but can do everyone else’s. That’s sad and trifling. But, you chose her. You laid with her. And, obviously you found her a suitable mate to have child with, therefore, you should have considered all of this before you decided to procreate with her, and play house.

You’ve been with her for 10 years, and you’re not married. You’re playing house, and want her to act like a wife, but you haven’t given her wifey privilege. Why didn’t you get married 9, 8, 7 years ago? What prevented you from proposing marriage, and making her your wife, and consciously deciding to build a family? Something stopped you, or prevented you from making that step. What was it?

Oooh, oooh, I know…I know…You knew she wasn’t –ish from the beginning. I’m sure all of this didn’t come as a light bulb moment just recently. She’s always been like this. But, you were caught up in playing house, and having a place to lay your head and in between her legs. You were the one who felt compelled to invest in her and this relationship. I’m sure the visits from her family members, friends, and sisters at your house didn’t just start. They’ve always been coming over and hanging out. Your house is the party house. But, when you were young and partying and having a good time you didn’t seem to mind them being over. Or, perhaps you mentioned or said something, and let it slide because you were doing you and she was doing her.

Now, you have children in this environment and you have this aha moment that you need to step up and be an adult and grow the hell up and be damn parents. It ain’t easy is it? The party does come to an end. And, don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning you for what you do, and how you take care of your children. Kudos to you for being there, and stepping up and realizing you have to be a parent and a father. However, I am concerned that you and your children’s mother can’t seem to be two adults who can work together for the benefit of your children.

Your relationship is unhealthy and it’s destructive. She doesn’t support you and she doesn’t acknowledge you. You feel neglected, and unwanted. She doesn’t see you as her man, but just another body in the house. You want to feel like the man of the house. You want her to hold you up, and down, and to take care of her responsibilities as a mother, parent, lover, and girlfriend.

Well, you have a choice. Either you stay, work on your relationship and household, get into counseling, and eventually propose marriage and stop playing house. She wants more, and you want more. But, you’re not communicating with one another, and you’re both pointing the finger and blaming the other. She hates you. You hate her. It has seeped into your bedroom, and now you’re not having sex, you don’t sleep in the same bed, and the things she used to do she doesn’t do anymore. You inability to communicate is affecting your finances, you emotional and mental well-being. Neither of you care about the other. Therefore, you have this tumultuous relationship and now the children are being affected. Get into counseling, and therapy, or you get out.

So, your other option is that you end this relationship. Get out and move on with your lives and you document everything you’ve done and all that you’re doing (financially, attending school parent/teacher conferences, and doctor’s appointments). You build a support network with your family whereas they have your back and can step in to assist you with things, and they speak on your behalf. You move out and find your own place, and then you go to court to petition for full custody of your children, and produce all your evidence of why she is an unfit mother and why you are the better parent.

With either choice you’re going to have to deal with a woman who is resistant, and probably will resent you and fight against you the entire way. What’s unfortunate is that she will always be a part of your life. You’re going to have this hell on wheels in your life accusing you, demeaning you, and making your life hell because she doesn’t want to be a mother, and she feels trapped by you and her own children.

It’s sad that she is taking her anger, hurt, and pain out on her own children. They don’t deserve this, and they certainly do not need to be in this environment. She is going to have to get over her resentment and anger toward you, and deal with her own –ish, and grow the hell up and be a damn mother. All this complaining, bishing, and living in misery will only be projected onto your children, and they will grow up to be just like her. You’ve got to make a choice quickly, or you will be dealing with children who will grow into defiant teenagers.

And, unfortunately, if you decide to go to court you’re going to be fighting against a system that most oftentimes sides with the mother despite your capabilities, and commitments you have made to your children.

Therefore, find a good custody lawyer. Yes, you’re going to have to pay for a good lawyer to help you, but it’s not impossible. If you really want out of this relationship, and you really want to make your children’s lives better, then you’re going to have to fight, and not give up or give in to set-backs and disappointments. It’s going to be a long tedious process. But, you’ve got to stick with it. And, again, as long as you have a strong loving support system of family members and other loved ones, they can help you to stay encouraged.

Get you an apartment, and work with your children’s mother to have them visit with you every other week or weekend. You’ve got to be real and honest with her about your relationship, how it’s not working, it’s unhealthy, and you two obviously don’t want to be together. Try to be amicable, and cordial in this. Let her know that you will continue to take them to school, help with their homework, have them spend days or the weekend with you, and continue to contribute financially. But, the relationship between you and her is simply over and you have to let each other go. And, don’t let her know what you’re up to right now in regards to custody. You want to build your argument and evidence as solid as possible before you mention anything to her.

Good luck to you, and the best in this situation. You’re dealing with a woman who is scorned, hurt, and angry. You have to move delicately, and with caution. You can do this, but you got to stay the course and keep your goal in mind. Keep your children in mind, and their best interest. Your fight is going to be long and hard because once she finds out what you’re up to, and you start taking her to court, all hell is going to break loose. Otherwise, you stay in this miserable, depressed, and unhealthy relationship and it will continue to get worse. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Deanloveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
    

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