I’m in a situation where I’ve been in a relationship for about 9 months now. We’re in the “getting to know each other stage.”
The topic of exes came up and I expressed to him how I felt about dating men that have children. I’m 30 years old. I have no kids. I prefer to date a man that is childless or has no drama relationship with their ex. I’m not talking about someone that has a 1 year old. If you have a 1-year old you didn’t try hard enough to make that relationship work. Maybe a 10-year old (not to say there still can’t be drama). But, a good length of time has passed since he’s been involved with the kids mother would mean slightly more healing time.
Now, he knew how I felt. He chose to tell me he had one daughter. The mother left and disappeared down south and he hasn’t heard from them in a few years. Which, when I inquired, he started searching for them and they happened to come into town to visit shortly thereafter. I asked him about some names (plural) that are tattooed on his wrist. His answer, “it’s my daughter and my niece.”
Well, come to find out, after me calling him out on a few stories not adding up, the baby momma has a younger daughter. He said, “Oh, but it’s not mine. She cheated on me and said it wasn’t mine. I have to take a DNA test. I didn’t want to tell you because I wasn’t even sure, and I know how you feel about guys that have kids and I lied to you to keep you.” So, he claims he got a DNA test, to which I didn’t see with my own eyes, and that the child is his.
Now, these events occurred over months, feelings are involved and I don’t know what to do, even though I should know what to do. I’m not sure if my pride is getting in my way, but I am a successful hard-working woman and I want what I want. I’ve told him straight-forward that if I would have known this from the beginning I would have never allowed this to get to where it has come. I also told him I have no interest in meeting his kids when they are in town.
He has a dramatic bad history with his ex and I don’t tolerate things like that. He lied and I’m not sure if his reasons were justifiable or not. I have a tendency to hold grudges and not let things go, but he won’t accept when I say I’m leaving. He thinks I’m going to come around and be okay with the situation. I’m too stubborn and this is complicated to me. What’s your take on the situation? – Too Stubborn and Possessive For My Own Good
Dear Ms. Too Stubborn and Possessive For My Own Good,
Ma’am, you really don’t know what to do? The situation is really that complicated? Please tell me how it’s complicated? Please tell me. (Sips tea and turns the newspaper)
You said you have standards, and your standards include not dating men who have children. Also, you prefer to not date men with baby momma drama. He has both. He has children. Not one, but two. Two children that all of sudden he remembers having, and one of them he “just” recently gotten a DNA to prove is his. (Please ask him what are the two names tattooed on his wrist, and the names of his two children) Again, sips tea and flips the next page of the newspaper.
But, hold up! On top of all of this he lied to you from the beginning. And, he said he lied to you because he wanted to keep you. So, it’s okay to lie about your children and how you’re not being a responsible father in their life because you’re more interested in being in between some other woman’s legs, and potentially getting her pregnant and having, yet, another baby momma. Therefore, he manipulated you, and was deceptive about his intentions. He didn’t allow you the opportunity to make a conscious choice, so he felt it best to lie to you and make the choice for you. Psssst…he’s not the man for you.
Now, this gets better. You ready for it? As soon as you inquired about his baby momma and his child he tells you that she got ghost, disappeared, and went down south and he hasn’t heard from them in years. YEARS??? So, his child goes missing with his child’s mother and he doesn’t investigate to find out where they went, nor does he even care. He’s not interested in knowing where his child is, and if she is okay, or how he can be involved in her life. Oh, okay? But, he can get her name tattooed on his wrist because…. (Sips tea. Flips the next page).
It’s not until you inquire about them that all of a sudden they happen to reappear for a visit to your city. They just so happened to reappear…right after you inquired about them? They just showed up. After all his investigations, and private detective work, he was able to locate his baby momma and his child. LMBAO! Girl, are you sure you’re a professional hard-working woman with a glimmer of intelligence and common sense to know that this story doesn’t even remotely add up?
Then, this gets even better. The baby momma has another child, who is younger than his daughter, and though he claims she cheated on him and the baby wasn’t his, all of sudden he takes a DNA test, and voila…the baby is his. So, not only does he have a ghostly baby momma with one child, he has two children with her. And, you believe this?
Sweetie, listen, his baby momma and children are not living down south. They live with him, or at his momma house, or they are somewhere locally. He always knew he had two children, but lied to you after you confronted him about the second child because he was already lying trying to cover up the original lie. The tattoos on his wrist are his children’s names. He has baby momma drama, and if she gets wind of you and what’s he’s up to she will be knocking on your door, calling your phone, and threatening you.
So, ask yourself is this the type of man you want to be with? Is this the type of man you want to build a future with? Is this the type of man you want in your life, a man who can so easily dismiss his own children, render them out of his life and pretend they don’t exist just so that he can lay up in your bed, play you for a fool, and keep lying to you to your face?
If you say you have standards then stick to them. There is no need to make excuses or explain yourself when you told him from the beginning what you were willing to put up with and not put up with. You let him know from the beginning that you were not into playing games, dealing with drama, nor being with a man with children. Stick to your standards. Do not bend, adjust, or make allowances for him or his behavior. He’s a liar. He’s still with his baby momma, and you are the side chick. TRUST!
He has and is bringing drama into your life. He has and is playing games. He is not a man, he is a boy. He isn’t responsible, nor does he take care of his responsibilities. LEAVE! Get him out of your life. Tell him it’s over, and you mean what you say, and stand by your word. Stop answering his calls. Block his number. Block him on social media. He is not to be trusted, and you should trust your instincts, especially when you say you don’t want to date a man with children, and you don’t want to put up with baby momma drama. Save yourself the headache, aggravation, and drama. He is all three plus more. – Terrance Dean
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