I’m an 11 month relationship with a man I met online. He lives about 4 hours driving distance from me.
I have a son who is 5 years old that lives with me. He has two daughters ages 6 and 11 years old who lives 3 hours away from him with their mother. They have joint custody and he has his daughters on school vacation, holidays, and all summer. We see each other about one weekend a month and have gone on a couple of shorts vacations.
I noticed that during the school vacations and the holidays he would not only pick up his children for his visitation, but also their mother. When I asked him about this he told me that he needed her to watch the children while he was at work and that’s the only reason why she was there. Do I think there’s any romantic feelings there? No I don’t. I went along with everything because I believe the kids should have their father in their lives no matter what the situation may be.
Well, when we came back from vacation on May 28th, that’s the last time I have seen him other than on Skype. He told me that she would not stay over the summer, but she has and he makes an excuse saying the kids want her there. And, the reason why she is so flexible is because she does not work and has not worked for 7 years. She lives off the child support that he gives her and section 8.
Most recently he promised his children he would take them to Jamaica to visit family and booked a trip for 10 days. All along when planning the trip he made it clear that it was only him and his two daughters going. I found out through Facebook that actually the mother is there, too. Also, the next day I found out through Facebook that his 11-year-old daughter, who is not supposed to have any social media accounts, had posted an explicit video I had made for him that he had stored on his computer. The video had been up for 6 months. I contacted him as soon as possible and confronted him about both issues.
When asking the daughter if she did it she lied and continued to lie, so he had to contact Facebook and get the video removed and it was removed by the evening. On the subject of him lying to me about his ex going on vacation with them he claims he knew it would be the last straw for me and he didn’t want to lose me. I told him the sad part was that if he had told me the truth I still would have rode with him, but then he said he couldn’t take that chance and that the kids really wanted her to go.
The way I see things is that he has no control over his children just by hearing how the 11-year old speaks to him, and the fact that most of the posts she puts on Facebook were done at 2 to 4 in the morning. I know the reason that he puts up with a lot of things is because he feels guilty about leaving their mother.
I love him and I know that some people come with baggage, but at 32 years of age I come with no drama. I feel like my loyalty is being taken for granted. As it stands right now I have lost respect for him and he has lost my trust. Even if I were to move past this I have no interest in meeting his children just for the simple fact that the 11-year old humiliated me and I believe she knew exactly what she was doing, and I don’t need that type of influence around my child. – At A Crossroads
Dear Ms. At A Crossroads,
Wait a muthafreakin’ minute! Hold up!
You are upset with him because you feel he has no control over his 11-year old daughter who posted on Facebook a sexually explicit video you sent to him, which he had stored on his computer, but you’re not upset or angry that he lied about traveling on a 10-day family vacation with his estranged wife, girlfriend, or whomever she is?
I can’t! I shall not continue to put up with these absent-minded stuck on d**k women!
Sweetie, first, let’s just observe and notice how his daughter lied about posting the video on Facebook, and let’s draw the correlation of how he lied to you about not taking his wife/their mother with him on a family vacation for 10 days to Jamaica. Where do you think she got this behavior of lying from?
Now, let’s back up and address the issue that you met this man online. Nowhere in your letter did you mention if he was still married, separated, or divorced. You only mentioned they share custody of his children. So, which is it? Do you even know? Other than what he has told you, do you know what’s really going on?
Then, you enter into a relationship with him, yet, he lives four hours away from you. And, you only see him once a month, and the rare occasions you do see one another you take short trips together. Hmmm, isn’t it odd or peculiar that for a man who lives four hours away from you only sees you once a month? His children are not with him during the school year. So, out of the eleven months you have been dating, three of them you have not seen him at all because his children are conveniently with him for the summer. And, I bet the times you have spent with him have been at your house when he comes to visit you, or the few short vacations where you were in a hotel some place, however, you haven’t been to his home, have you? (Sips tea)
He makes these excuses of why he can’t see you or spend time with you, especially around the holidays and the summer because his children are with him. Yet, how convenient that the wife he is separated, estranged, or divorced from is always there when he can’t be with you, or he needs someone to watch his own children while he is at work. This man, your boyfriend, your boo, the love of your life is obviously balling and making a lot of money whereas his wife doesn’t have to work, and he can take her and his two children on a 10-day vacation to Jamaica, while also paying child support. You don’t find it odd that his kids live 3 hours away with their mother, yet, he has the financial means to take short trips with you, and also pay child support to a woman who doesn’t work, and lives off this child support, though she is in section 8 housing? That is not odd to you, huh? (Sips tea. I’ll let that marinate)
Ma’am, he is lying to you about their relationship. And, you are not in a relationship with him. You are the side chick. Whatever is going on with them, he has and is keeping it a secret from you because you are four hours away, tucked away, while he is playing house with his wife and children. You don’t know anything about him, only what he has told you. You met him online, and that’s where you should have left him.
He lied to you about the family trip, and then you learned she is with them via his 11-year old daughter’s social media. So, nothing registered with you to say, “Hmmm, she’s been with them all summer, and she is with them during the holidays, and when he goes to pick up his children for other visitations she comes along as well. Hmmm, I only see him once a month, and it’s never at his house. Hmmm, we take vacations together, and are in a hotel room. Hmmm, dating a man who lives four hours away, we don’t spend too much time together, and his wife spends more time with them than I do.” None of this registered with you, huh? (Sips tea)
He’s a liar. He has not, and is not telling you the full story about their relationship, and what’s going on in his household. You know nothing about this man. You are a side chick. You have been duped. You are being played. And, what’s sad is that you feel if he had told you that his children’s mother were joining them on their vacation you would have still rode for him. Really? All of a sudden you a ride or die chick now for a man you’ve only known for eight months (but only once a month), and I’m deducting the three months you haven’t seen him all summer.
Quick question: At what point were you comfortable enough to make a sexually explicit video, and thought it was wise to send it to him, considering his daughter posted it on Facebook and it was up for six months? (Sips tea)
You have every right to be angry about your video being on social media, but you should be even more angry with yourself for sending it to him, and thinking only he had access to his computer. This should be a lesson that before you send out any explicit videos, pictures, or whatever to someone you met online, that you should really get to know the person, and what’s going on in their household. His daughter used his computer, and found this video, which meant he didn’t do a good job of hiding it, and he should have deleted it after you sent it if he knew his kids were using or had access to his computer. I’m just saying!
You can continue this once-a-month relationship, but just know he is not telling you the truth about his relationship with his wife, girlfriend, or whoever she is to him. He even shared that he lied to you about their family trip together, so, if he has lied about this, then, know he has no problem lying to you about anything else. And, considering you haven’t met his children in the eleven months you’ve been together, and your desire to not want to meet them now let’s me know he wasn’t serious about you either. You were a side chick. You were his once-a-month-get-it-in-chick. Please take this moment of silence to reflect back over this situation all the way from the beginning, and connect the dots. Reread your letter and notice the patterns and what’s going on. Then, read and reread my response. Everything you need to move on, and end this side chick life is in the details. – Terrance Dean
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