I’m 26-years old, and the mother of two beautiful daughters ages 6 and 3 years old.
My story, to keep it brief, is I met my kid’s father almost 7 years ago. Our relationship, you can say, went from zero to one hundred real quick. Within three months we were living together, and I was pregnant with our first child. I was completely in love with life. Everything was going great, so I thought.
As years went on I started to notice he was verbally abusive. That later became physical, not just on his end but mine as well. I’m bipolar and I never told him. Once my anger reaches a point I go into a state where it becomes sometimes uncontrollably. I later left once I become more emotionally stable.
Now, two years later we are still together, but still no ring. I’m ready for the next chapter in life. We both have changed, but he is still hesitant about the thought of marriage. So, now we are in year 7 and he always says, “Yeah, baby, we gonna get married it just takes time.” Or, he says, “Baby, we gonna get married. We working on it, just take it one day at a time.” Which I understand, but at what point do I say no. No more waiting.
We aren’t currently living together and I was recently offered a job out of state. I’m torn because I do love him and I do want us to be a family. But, I’m conflicted should I stay and wait? Leave and begin my new book as a single mother? – She Just Doesn’t Know
Dear Ms. She Just Doesn’t Know,
Accept the job offer and leave. Start over, begin a new life, and the new chapter in your life. You’ve been down this road of waiting on him. And, I’m sorry, but there are no pit stops along the way where you have to wait on a man, especially one who doesn’t think of you seriously, or your relationship.
Ma’am, you’ve endured the abuse, on both of your ends, and, even though you mentioned things are better now, there is still no ring. So, why wait?
Seven years later, and he still can’t make up his mind on whether or not he wants to get married? Uhm, no! This is not how this works. Why keep you on hold saying it takes time? You’ve given him 7 years and a child. You’ve invested in him, and you’ve been through hell and back. But, you’re not worth it to get married despite everything you’ve gone through with him? Get the freak out of here!
If it hasn’t gotten better now, it won’t. If he is waiting on some miraculous sign to give him the “a-okay” to get married, it’s not going to happen. And, what are you working on before you get married? Are you in pre-marital counseling? Is he getting help for his anger, and abusive behavior? Are you therapy for your bipolar, and have you told him since you’ve kept it from him?
If you haven’t done any of the above that I just mentioned, then why get married? Seriously!?! There is no need to marry this man if neither of you are working on yourselves, in therapy, and getting the necessary treatment you both clearly need.
Therefore, you’ll just be spinning your wheels if you stay there and continue waiting on him. MOVE! LEAVE! Here is the opportunity, a blessing in disguise, to move on, start a new chapter in your life, and begin anew. A window of opportunity has opened, hell, a door is being propped open, so why not take it?
You won’t know until you do it! Simply do it and watch other miraculous blessings open up, and new things begin to appear. Take the chance. Go and do you and for the first time really, and I mean really get to know what happiness, self-love, love, joy, happiness, and peace will be like without him. This is the time to invest in you and your child. Make the investment. You can sit there and wait on him all you want. You can ask until you’re blue in the face. If he isn’t ready, then nothing will make him do what he doesn’t want to do. And, simply, he doesn’t want to get married.
He’s shown you, told you, and continues to be about him. Sure, he may love you, but marrying you is not what he wants. So, love you and your child enough to walk away, chuck up the deuces and give this new life a try. You have nothing to lose. And, I’m sure he will want to come back and want to be all up in your face talking about marriage once you start talking about moving. Well, too late. He had his chance. Now, it’s time to do you. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!