I really hope you can answer my question since I’m very inexperienced and this guy was my first in many aspects.
I truly want to close this chapter in the right way.
I’m a 20-year-old girl who just recently had her first ‘serious’ dating experience. Sadly, this relationship ended with him losing interest and inconspicuously fading away.
In the 4 months we didn’t grow emotionally or physically connected towards each other. One reason is that he worked abroad and we didn’t see each other often. But, there is a second more important reason that I can’t stop thinking about.
We were complete strangers at the beginning. On the night we met his friend warned me of him. It was claimed that he is a player. A couple of weeks later another of his friends told me that I shouldn’t get involved with him. These warnings led to me having a biased opinion on him and being unable to let my guard down. Besides, I received the typical conservative Asian up-bringing. Therefore, I have a cautious and reserved nature and these warnings just made me cork up my feelings even more.
During the time we dated I didn’t show much affection and faced him with a rather ‘buddy-like’ attitude in order to protect myself, although, I perceived him as a sweet, affectionate and thoughtful person. I didn’t recognize any player signs!
I never talked to him about the rumors because I was afraid that it would ruin everything. But, now, after our dating came to an end, I regret not telling him and I have the feeling that it’s something he should know. Because of me trying to stay emotionally distant, I came across as a different person than the one I really am.
So, what would you suggest? I wrote a letter explaining this whole situation and my feelings towards it in an anonymous blog. Should I send him a copy? Or should I rather let it go and not make this thing more strange and awkward? It’s very possible that he thinks that I wasn’t into him. – Seeking Closure
Dear Ms. Seeking Closure,
This is what happens when your friends intervene in your love life, and it creates a situation before there is even a situation.
Look, I understand that your friends were probably looking out for you. They wanted to protect you, and keep you away from the big bad “player,” in order that you won’t get hurt. They felt the need to tell you about his bad boy ways, and sully any potential relationship even before it began. And, look, they know that you are conservative and not experienced in the dating game. So, I’m sure their intentions were genuine.
However, when your friends become involved in your love life, and they are attempting to protect you from a potential disaster, especially if they know the person you’re getting involved with, it sometimes does a disservice to you and the other person. Who knows how the person will be in a relationship with you. Who knows if the person has redeemed themselves, and have outgrown their player ways, or silly and immature behaviors in sleeping around. You may very well be the person that they fall in love with and decide to make the conscious choice to grow up, mature, and be in a committed monogamous relationship.
Sometimes we make the mistake of keeping people bound to an experience we encountered with them, despite it being years or months ago. No matter what they do, or how they change, you will always have that experience in the back of your mind, remembering how they used to be. How they used to act, and the things they used to get involved with. Sometimes you have to let it go, and give the other person an opportunity to prove themselves that they have changed.
But, my concern is that in the four months you were dating, he was working abroad. So, to start a new relationship with someone who is not around, well, that’s not a relationship, or dating. That’s just getting to know someone because he, or she, is not around enough for you to spend time with them interpersonally getting to know them. There is no face-to-face interaction. There is no going out to dinner, the movies, walks, or social gatherings together. So, you don’t really get to know them. People can say and tell you anything on the phone, or online. You need to have personal interaction, and see how they act, their facial expressions, and body language. You get to know a person better by being in their presence.
It was impossible for you and he to grow emotionally or physically connected to one another if he wasn’t around. That is no fault on your part, or his. He worked abroad. He didn’t have time for a relationship, and it just fizzled away. And, I’m sure it was more so because he wasn’t available. And, neither were you because you had your guard up based on what your friends told you about him. In essence, neither of you were ready. Therefore, don’t take all the blame for what failed to materialize. It just didn’t work, and next time you tell your friends that you appreciate their concern and interest in your love life, but you can make your own choices, and if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out. If it does, then please be happy for you and support you.
Also, I’m sure he sensed or perceived your lack of interest in him, and the treatment you displayed toward him also gave him the impression that you were not interested. He figured you wouldn’t be an easy lay, and you were not worth the trouble in getting to know further. So, he stopped calling, texting, and blamed it on his busy life. Who knows what happened. But, be thankful you have a protective guard, and you didn’t jump in the bed with him so soon. I’m sure it would have been a different letter had you slept with him and he didn’t return your calls and texts. So, this was an experience that didn’t work. It’s over, and now you can look back and take the lessons from this and move on so that you know what to do the next time.
I recommend that you start dating, and, also keep getting to know them. There is nothing wrong with talking, texting, and going out on dates. It’s important that you get the experience of going out and interfacing with someone, as well as going out on dates. The more you do it, the better you get at it. You’re young, and there is no need to obsess over a relationship that was never going to take off anyway. From the beginning he was unavailable. You wrote the anonymous blog, and you got it off your chest. Besides, I’m sure he knows what his friends are saying about him, and how they feel. If he’s a player, he knows he’s a player. You confirming it and telling him will do nothing. Hell, it may even cause some tension and a fallout between him and his friends, as well as you and your friends because you went back and said something. Thank them again for telling you, but let them know in the future that you appreciate their love for you, but at some point you have to make your own choices without their interference. – Terrance Dean
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