Dear Bossip: I Can Barely Pay All The Bills & My Husband Won’t Help

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

My husband I have been together for 24 years and married for 18 years.

I am 40 years old and we have two daughters, 9 years and 14 years old. We both work independent jobs. I, for some reason, and for the last couple of years, have been taking care of all the bills with my income. If I don’t take care of the bill doesn’t get paid.

It is so hard on me because trying to make ends meet is so hard with the bills, and, school activities that need to be paid for also. I pay so much in late fees because some are not on time because I have to choose what needs to be paid on time and that I can take care of now. Every week my husband gets paid and never offers or says what can I do to help with the bills. I mostly have to bring up the money.

I will usually say “Can you give me some money this week?” And, his response is mostly “What for?” Or, he says he has things he needs like gas. He gets defensive and if I proceed to say it’s for bills then he gets angry and goes to get his money and throws it at me. I most of the time give it back because I would rather keep the peace. It would be nice if he would know that I take care of everything and if he could just help each week without me asking.

I don’t ask most of the time because he makes me feel so bad about it. I had to wait on the house payment this month because I had to pay to put struts and brakes on his truck this last weekend and that was $850. I feel so alone because I have a high demand job that keeps me so busy and to be the only one who truly only cares about keeping the roof over our head and bills paid.

My kids and the good Lord are my strength. I have tried to talk about this situation so many times, but he just gets angry and walks away and shuts the bedroom behind him. We get along as long as I don’t ask him for anything. I have been thinking about leaving him even to the point of looking for another place to live.

I love my children and they are my everything and I never want them to think this situation is okay. I know their dad loves them, but he is not my partner in helping us financially. It hurts so much. I have even gotten to the point of not being attracted to him anymore. I have been sleeping on the couch for the last 9 months. I do love my husband. Please give me your advice. I’m so tired of walking on eggshells and worrying about this. I am a strong woman I just want to make the best decision for my family. – My Stingy Husband

Dear Ms. My Stingy Husband,

The number one leading cause of marriages ending in divorce is because of money problems. Couples who fight, argue, and avoid their money problems eventually end up in divorce.

See, money leads to every other issue in your marriage, and relationships. It affects your intimacy, and you don’t find yourself attracted to your partner any longer. It makes you bitter, angry, mad, sad, and depressed when you think of all the things you’d like to be doing like going out to the movies, dinner, traveling, or shopping. You find yourself unable to do these things because you have no money, and your partner is not helping you.

You grow to resent your partner because they see you struggling, they know the bills have to be paid, they know the rent is due, and unexpected things arise, but, yet, because money is tight, and they want theirs, and they want you to spend yours, it creates this rift between you. This invisible line becomes drawn, and here are you sleeping on the couch, not attracted to your husband, mad, and walking on eggshells because he won’t help you financially. However, he is your husband, and he should be taking care of you and his children making sure you don’t get to the point where you are robbing Peter to pay Paul. He’s stingy, trifling, and a bum.

What man will sit up in his own house and watch his own wife struggle just to pay the bills, and he knows he should be helping her? Is that the reason he runs into the bedroom and shuts the door behind because he is a child who can’t face the fact he can’t take care of his own family? What grown a** man runs into the bedroom and slams the door behind them because his wife asks him for money? HUH??? Girl, bye! His a** is the one who needs to be sleeping on the damn sofa.

But, let’s take a step back and look at this overall picture. You are the fixer in the relationship. You’re the one that when things get bad, when your back is against the wall, and the bills need to be paid, you will fix the problem, work it out, and then move on to the next task of trying to figure out how to pay the next bill. You become superwoman. Doing everything to keep the household together, and making sure the kids have what they need, they are fed, and you have lights, gas, and water because these are essential to basic living.

However, your husband is the avoider, and the stingy mizer. He feels if he avoids the problem that it will magically disappear, that all the bills will somehow stop coming, and you won’t ask him for money. Sorry, but, the bills will never stop coming. And, as the stingy mizer he wants to hold on to his little money, and when you go to him and tell you him need something he has the nerve to question you, and then get mad and throws it at you. Well, isn’t that childish and immature. Isn’t that silly? The next time he throws money at you take it and pay the bill, then throw his a** out!

He’s your husband, and he has two children, yet, he gets an attitude because you ask him to contribute to his household where he utilizes the water, lights, gas, and food. The same place he wants to call home, but he won’t give you money to pay the mortgage/rent, or help with the bills. Does he think those things are free? The hell is wrong with his a**!!

Question: What does he do with his money? If he is not spending it on you, or the household, then where does his money go? He couldn’t even afford to put struts and brakes on his own car. Or, he just wanted you to spend all your money while he stuffs his little coin purse, and save his money. But, why? You need to ask him why he feels the need to get angry when you ask him for money? Ask him if he notices you struggling, and juggling to pay the bills. Ask him how does he think the bills are getting paid, food on the table, and the roof over your heads. Ask him!!

Therefore, you have two options:

1.) Get into marriage counseling, and financial counseling about your money issues. Talk it out with someone who can help you both address these issues around money, which is leading to your non-existent sex life, and why you are thinking of moving out and leaving him. Money is the underlying issue to everything happening in your marriage. Address it before it festers.

2.) You get a divorce and leave him. Why spend all your money and he lays up and does nothing to help? What type of man will put all this pressure and stress on his wife and kids, and then get upset and angry when you ask him for assistance? You shouldn’t have to ask your own husband to help with the bills, he should come to you with his check, and his money telling you to take care of whatever you need.

So, you make the choice before you look up and it’s another 5, 10, 15 years and your still struggling, broke, unhappy, miserable, and sleeping in your car. No ma’am. You come first, and then your kids. Make sure you and your kids are happy. If he is not contributing to your household, making sure you’re okay, happy, satisfied, and peaceful, then, he doesn’t deserve you. He’s selfish, immature, silly, and deserves to be by himself. The hell you look like struggling in your own damn house and you got a grown a** man living there watching from the sideline. No ma’am. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

      

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