Just recently my wife told me that she thinks she is bi-curious.
To be honest, at first I was really turned on by her telling me this. She said that if she goes through with being intimate with a woman she wanted me to be there and participate, (now that really turned me on).
Problem, the next day I thought about it some more and wandered if my wife liked it enough to leave me for a woman? How would I explain my fears to her? We have both been divorced and we have children. Despite the sexual turn on I am concerned of what it could do to our marriage. I want her to feel safe in talking to me about it, but I don’t want to look like a tyrant for saying no. Any advice? – Confused in Texas
Dear Confused in Texas,
Oh, so, after careful consideration and thought, now you’re worried that if she pursues her fantasy of being with another woman that she will leave you for her. (Sips tea) You’re fearful that if she likes it then she will get turned out and then start seeking out women without you. (Sips tea) The initial turn on that you had, and the thought of you participating in a sexual romp with your wife and another woman was all fine and dandy since it was she who initiated it. But, what if she had said she wanted a threesome with another man. Would you be so eager and as excited? I’m sure you wouldn’t because you could not fathom the idea of YOU and another man banging out your wife. You wouldn’t even think of it or give it consideration. Miss me!
Here, again, is the objection of women, and women’s bodies for the commodification of your general pleasure.
Well, as her husband, lover, partner, friend, and spouse you should have responded to your wife and told her that you love her, you honor her, and that you respect her. So, the thought of sharing her with another person is something out of your imaginary. You don’t want to objectify her body, and to introduce a third-party in your bedroom where only you enjoy and appreciate her entire nakedness alone.
But, since you didn’t say that, you expressed your fears of what to do now that she has shared she is bi-curious and wants to bring in another woman. You want to know how to share with her that you are afraid she may leave you for another woman. Well, sit down, communicate with your wife, and tell her. Explain to her how you feel about it, your anxieties, and your concerns. Share what you’re thinking and what you think this will do to your marriage. Share your concern that she may really enjoy being with a woman rather than her own husband. Oops, did I say that?!
Now, that’s the real concern! You are afraid that you are not satisfying her in the bedroom, and another woman may be able to. That is the real Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee. You are afraid to ask your wife if you satisfy her in the bedroom.
Well, Mr. Big Man in Texas, it’s now time for you to get in touch with your emotions and feelings and be honest and open with your wife. If you love your wife, then save your marriage and talk with her. Don’t ignore this very serious issue and topic.
As a side bar note: You didn’t mention how long you’ve been married, considering you’re both divorcees. So, what is the real reason she and her ex-husband got divorced? What is the story behind that? Did she mention this same very topic to him, and he wasn’t down for it, and made her choose. Or, what other factors led to their divorce? This coming out the blue and dropping this in your lap is odd.
However, I want to know where did this idea of bi-curiosity come from? All of a sudden she feels she is bi-curious? Hmmm, sooooo, before you got married she never expressed this to you? She never even mentioned that she may have a desire to sleep with other women? Now, all of a sudden she wants to explore and experiment her sexual promiscuity with you? Uhm, hell to the no!
I’m glad she is forthright and honest about her feelings and desires, and her ability to talk with you about them, but don’t you be afraid to disagree, or have some concerns and questions of your own.
You need to ask her how long she’s been feeling bi-curious? Why does she think she is bi-curious? Is there a woman she is interested in sleeping with? Has she carefully thought about what this will do to your marriage? Is she not satisfied in the bedroom? And, here’s an important question: What happens if you and the woman click and you feel sparks with the other woman, then what? Can you kiss the other woman? How far and in what capacity can you participate with the other woman? What are the rules of this threesome, and what is the expectations on both of your parts?
This can go really really well, or it can go really really wrong. And, I am one to err on the side of caution. Therefore, do not open Pandora’s Box. Leave it closed. Talk with your wife about her bi-curiosity, listen to her desires and wants, but do you really want to introduce a third-party person in your bedroom, and are you emotionally and mentally able to handle this? From the sounds of your letter, you are not. So, get into counseling and therapy with your wife, and she can explore and talk in depth about her bi-curious desires.
It sounds like you really love your wife, and you want to make her happy. But, at what costs are you willing to do this, and is this right for your marriage? – Terrance Dean
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