My boyfriend is 8 years older than me and we are not having sex and we are not living together. We have been together for about 1-2 months.
He has two kids (an 8 & 7 year old). He has no career, and lives with his mother. I like him and I care about him a lot. He tells me that I very special to him and that he cares for me and he shows me through his actions.
Whenever I need something done I can depend on him to get it done. If I’m concerned about anything he listens and doesn’t put me down for them no matter how silly the concern may be. If we disagree on something we just agree to disagree. But, this whole kids, no career thing, and living with his mother makes me feel some type of way.
I don’t have a problem with his kids, as I haven’t met them yet on account of I’m not sure if I want him to be a permanent figure in my life. My parents are aware of our relationship, as I still live at home with them and I rely on them for guidance and advice. They tell me that he is going to manipulate and control me and he is never going to amount to anything. My friends say the same thing. So, I listened to what they had to say I may not have liked it, but they did have a valid point.
So, I talked to my boyfriend and told him about my concerns and, “How I can’t be with someone who isn’t about anything or doing anything for himself. Because I’m not trying to go to school and start my career while he just sits around doing noting just to finish school and then turn around and take care of him and myself. I won’t do it for him and I won’t do for anybody else.” His response was, “Is that how you really feel about everything?” And, I said, “Yes,” and that was the end of the conversation.
So, I gave him that information and waited to see what he would do with it. If he stayed doing what he was doing right now which was nothing, then I would dump his a** and move on with my life to bigger and better things. If he got off his a** and did something about it then I would hang around for a while and see where things go.
After I told him how I felt about him not having a career and living at home with his mom, he went and applied to some jobs. He is currently working full-time at Beth Israel Hospital as a nutritionist. And, he applied for a security job at another hospital. Then, he came to me and he said, “Let’s make a deal. By the time you finish school, which is in about 3-4 years, I should be better off than what I am.” He specified that he should have his own place (studio/apartment), have 1 or 2 permanent full-time jobs, be able to support himself, and be back in school finishing his sociology major to be a social worker. He said, “If I don’t have that, then leave me behind and go on with your career because you are smart, beautiful, and an intelligent black woman. I will not stand in your way of your dreams and what you want to do. Whatever it is that you want to do I will support you fully.”
Right now he is singing all of the right notes, but I am very skeptical because in my mind I’m like why do all of these things now? Why weren’t you already doing all of these things when you had your two little girls. If you wouldn’t even really get off your a** to do this for your kids (his kids live with their mothers), why are you doing it now?
I’m glad that he’s doing something about it, but why now? It just makes me a little suspicious. I mean what makes a guy want to do things he didn’t want to do before and then do them now? – Need A Male Perspective
Dear Ms. Need A Male Perspective,
Uhm, the short answer to your last question, you’re new va-jay-jay! That is what will motivate a guy to do things he wasn’t, didn’t, and probably was never going to do. The thought of being in some new –ish, some new “good good” and running up in you and making you his, well, you just became the thrill of the chase, and the hunt. (Drops mic and sips tea).
Sweetie, like you said, if he wasn’t motivated to get a job and be a better father for his own two children, then please do not be fooled to believe that he is making all these changes and becoming a better man for you because he loves you, and he really wants to be that man you desire and want. Girl, puhlease! His lazy trifling no-good sitting on his dusty a** in his momma’s house only got motivated when you put his a** in check and told him basically, “You’re not getting any of this na-na until you do better and be better.” Trust and believe, some new va-jay-jay will get a man right together.
Especially since it’s been a month or two of dating. Oh, Ms. Thang, get your head out of the clouds. He will tell you anything you want to hear. Yes, you’re special to him, because he hasn’t slept with you yet. Yes, he is concerned about you, because he doesn’t want another man to come in and get to you before he does. Of course you agree to disagree because he’s wiser, smarter, and trying to outwit you. He will tell you, “Yes, you’re right.” You will always be right, for now, and until he beds you.
Look, you don’t even know him that well in a month or two. His representative is still showing up. Well, parts of his representative. Hell, you already peeped his card – no job, living with his momma, two kids, two baby mommas, and he wasn’t doing anything with his life. So, he has to be on his best behavior, and be attentive, and be nurturing, caring, and supportive. Hell, he ain’t got nothing else to do. SMDH! I know you may want to feel that you motivated and inspired him. But, it was not you, it was the thought that he wouldn’t get a chance to sleep with you before you ended it.
And, Ms. Honey, his momma couldn’t even get him motivated or inspired to get a job and out of her house. So, therefore don’t be fooled by his new sweet nothings, and charming lullabies he’s signing in your ear talking about he’ll be better off by the time you finish school, and he’ll have one or two permanent jobs, a home, and will be back in school. Oh really? Really, sir? Bwahahahahahahaha. He will tell you anything you want to hear to get what he wants from you. And, that is in between your legs.
I’m curious. What makes him a catch? What makes him so desirable? What about him makes you get so excited other than he can rap real tight, and spit game and tell you what you want to hear? (I’ll wait.)
Stop being naïve and gullible. You know better. Come on now. Please stop acting like a bright-eyed teenager who is awestruck by some handsome older dude whispering in your ear and telling you what you want to hear. You know this game. He’s got game. He is 8 years older than you with two baby mommas. He has no job, no money, and lives at his momma’s house. What can he possible offer you? (Sips tea and glances at the newspaper). Oh, wait, he just got a job as a nutritionist? Really? He’s a nutritionist now? He’s that qualified to be a nutritionist at a hospital without a college degree? Oh, okay. Have you seen his business card from Beth Israel Hospital? Have you been to his job and seen his name tag stating he’s a nutritionist?
Listen to you parents and your friends. They are not steering you wrong. He is trouble. He will not do anything but make you baby momma number 3. And, if that is your ambition in life, then go ahead and pursue that with your educational goals. You’re young, beautiful, smart, and have your head on your shoulders. Stop letting these men hustle you and play you like a fool. Trust your instincts and your smarts. You have good rational skill sets, so keep using them. If he wasn’t working and he wasn’t motivated to take care of his own two children, then he ain’t about –ish, and he ain’t worth –ish.
So, now all of a sudden he can get a job because you had to put his a** in check and call him out on his lazy low-life loser mentality. Now, isn’t that sad. But, it won’t last long because he won’t be able to spend any of that money on you. He will be caught up in child support, and his two baby mommas who will be the bane of your existence. And, you don’t want to be involved in that drama.
Therefore, dump him. Move on and focus on school. I’m certain there are eligible, smart, motivated, intelligent, working, handsome black men at your school who are not into playing games, and have some ambition in their life. You have a lot going on for you. Sitting around and waiting on this dude to get his life together won’t result in nothing but heartache, pain, and drama. It took you, a woman he’s barely known a month or two to tell him to get off his a** and get a job, and out of his momma’s house, but he wasn’t doing it for his own children. Girl, bye! – Terrance Dean
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