I am a 46 year old divorced male with 3 grown daughters. Their ages are 25, 23, and 22.
I was never married to either of their mothers. Their moms were asked at some point. I paid my child support and still bought anything that my daughters wanted or needed for school. I never missed any holidays with them, except when maybe their moms wouldn’t let me see them. I went to all their games at school because they were in the band. I live 2 hours away from them, but I was at most of the student parent meeting also.
Either have kids and the oldest have finished college already. The 23 year old is still in college. They all had college scholarships. My younger daughter dropped out after and she started dating girls.
My problem now is if I say I don’t have any money one day, which is only in the summer because I am a school teacher, one would get mad at me and get the others to be mad at me and say things to me like I wasn’t a good dad or what type of man are you that don’t have any money. My youngest lives with me, ever since she was in the 12 grade, because she and her mom didn’t get alone, but she is the one that is saying these things and getting the others to not talk to me. I love my daughter more than life itself, but I don’t know how to make them see that I am more then someone they can call for money. I am tired of the verbal abuse also. I am a disabled veteran and retired military with a little of PTSD. – Dad Trying
Dear Mr. Dad Trying,
Well, it’s time for the youngest one to move out, and you let her know that since you don’t seem to do enough for her, then it’s time she starts doing things for herself. Let her live her life on her own terms and not under the protection and safety that you have provided for her since she was 12 years old and when she came to live with you. She wants to throw you under the bus to her sisters about what you won’t do for her, then it’s time to show her the bus stop!
How is she going to be living in your house, eating your food, sleeping in the room you provided for her, paying the electricity, the cable, and giving her whatever she wants, yet, she complains when she doesn’t get her way? HUH? Oh, no ma’am! Not in my house. No you won’t!
You need to remind her that you raised her through her teenage years, and that she got through high school because of you. She had the opportunity to attend college, but she is the one who chose to drop out and do whatever she wants. Also, remind her that it was you who was at all her games, the parent at the parent-teacher conferences, the one who nursed her when she was sick, gave her what she wanted when she needed anything for school, and was there every morning and every night. So, if she wants to play the guilt trip, and have all the other sisters gang up on you, then it’s time for her to move the hell out of your house with her ungrateful a** and see how it feels to be an adult in the real world.
You didn’t provide much details, but the resentment and guilt they are laying on you is a result that perhaps their mother’s may have said something to them and created this story about you, and what you didn’t do, or complained to them about things you should have done. I don’t know, and neither do you. But, since they all seem to gang up on you when one is not being treated fairly, then it’s my guess that this guilt trip and anger is a result of something that happened growing up.
Who knows what it is, but if you want to get to the root of it all, then I suggest all of you get into a therapy session together, and hear each other out. I’m sure once you’re all in the room together, then you will hear what is driving this, “Team beat up on dad.” But, if the youngest one is the catalyst for it, then you need to call her out on her behavior and ask her what is her problem.
How dare she complain to you that you never have money, but she is a grown a** adult living in your house. Does she have a job? Is she not able to work? Why is she coming to you asking for money and she is living rent free, and eating your food?
I’m going to take a stab at this, and suggest that perhaps you have helped raised them to have a sense of entitlement, which is why they feel they can talk to you any type of way, and get away with it. And, maybe you have been complicit in not addressing their anger and outbursts because you felt guilty for not being with their mothers. You didn’t want them to have any resentment toward you so you became the ever present dad, always available, always giving them money, and making sure you were around for the holidays. However, nothing can replace the fact that you were not in the home with them. You were not part of their early developmental years as children. So, you attempted to do as much as you can to “buy” their love and affection.
But, again, they are grown, and to let them talk slick and all types of way to you and to treat you like they do is disrespectful. You don’t have to put up with it, and you’re going to have to speak up and say something. Or, else, this will continue until you’re dead and in the grave and they will continue to be upset and angry because you didn’t leave them enough money in the will, and how you were never around or you never did anything for them. They have a very distorted view of things, and it will remain that way until you politely remind them of everything you did, all of the events you attended, all of the support you provided, and all the love you showered onto them.
Again, I’m just speculating. But, in the end the only thing to do to resolve this is to get all of them in the room together, and into therapy and hear what is really going on. Though you may have a different perspective of the events and what happened, however, their experience of you may be completely different, and it may be as a result that you were not there physically in the home. It’s time to set the record straight, and to stop letting them gang up on you, and definitely time to put that youngest one in her place. At the end of the day you are still their father. Be one! – Terrance Dean
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