Dear Bossip: I Got Pregnant, Moved In With Him, Now I Don't Love Him

Dear Bossip,

I read your advice column everyday and I love the fact that you are honest with your readers.

Everything was going great. We went out, spent time with each other’s families and did things couples would do. In the beginning of our relationship I noticed some red flags. The first one was that he had given me a ring he had given too and taken back from his ex. When he gave me the ring I was at a loss for words because out of the two relationships I’d been in previously no one had given me something so special. However, when I found out it was his exes I was hurt and gave the ring back.

The next red flag was me discovering text messages in his phone to his ex. Although those things were damaging I decided to continue the relationship. After 5 months of dating I found out I was pregnant. We then moved in together. Things were going smooth, but during my pregnancy intimacy was rather painful than before. During my entire pregnancy I wouldn’t sleep with him.

After time went by I notice this distance from him. I would try to converse with him, but he wouldn’t talk to me. Now, after two years I feel like our bond is completely torn. We go through little petty arguments very often. For example, he’s a very heavy weed smoker and I don’t smoke. He tries to pressure me into it, but I don’t so he’ll break up with me or go weeks without talking to me. We barely talk to each other and the only time he shows interest is when we’re intimate.

He once told me that he didn’t want a family, and he just wants to live young, wild, and free. I really love him, but I’m starting to feel like I’m not in love with him anymore. He doesn’t like to do anything anymore. He doesn’t take me out, he doesn’t acknowledge me or my efforts and I’m getting tired.

I truly believe our relationship is failing due to communication. He has never cheated on me nor disrespected me and vice versa. But, without that communication how can we proceed? – Love Him But Not In Love

Dear Ms. Love Him But Not In Love,

Uhm, so after two red flags you still decided to procreate with him, have a child, and move in together? But, hold up, after five months of dating you become pregnant? Sweetie, you barely know him. Sure, you met his family, did the things couples do, but he gave you a ring that he previously gave to his ex. After that fiasco, you should have ended the relationship and walked away. He recycled a ring and re-gifted it to you. You were not worth the effort of buying a new ring for.

And, even when you decided to continue the relationship you learned he was still communicating with his ex, which meant he was not over her. And, he probably is still not over her. You were the rebound chick, who up and got pregnant, and he felt obligated to do the right thing and stay with you.

There was no love from the beginning of your relationship, and both of you probably figured you would grow into love with one another. Sadly, that hasn’t happened, it won’t happen, and will not happen. He has told you that he does not want a family and wants to live young, wild and free. Basically, he doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t want the responsibility of having a child, and he feels stuck.

What is happening now in your relationship is that he feels resentment, and anger toward you. This is why he shuts down and doesn’t communicate with you. He feels you are to blame for why his life is the way it is, and he doesn’t want to be there. He is blaming you, though he won’t say it out loud. And, he is blaming himself for getting you pregnant, and he hates that he has to pretend to be this doting and happy family because he feels obligated to be with you.

His heavy weed smoking is his drug of choice to ease his pain, and to take his cares away. He smokes to escape his reality, and the world he feels stuck in. He wants to get away, and the only way to escape is his vice of smoking weed.

How do you proceed with someone who won’t speak to you, well, you sit down with them, explain what’s going on, what you have observed, what you feel, and how it makes you feel. You share with him that you are aware that he’s not happy. You share that you are not happy. And, you try to work out how you two can work together to either get your happy back, or decide if this is the end of the relationship, and how to amicably move on as co-parents for your child.

And, from what you have shared about him, he has already checked out of the relationship. He checked out a long time ago. He is only going through the motions, and he doesn’t know how to end it, so he is waiting on you to end it. That is why he shuts down, and stops speaking to you. He is hoping that you will get upset, tired, and eventually walk away from him and leave him. He doesn’t want to be the blame for why it didn’t work, though, he really is the blame. He wants you to take the fall for why it didn’t work, so he can live in the story that it was you who broke up with him. He is passive aggressive, silly, and immature.

So, you decide what you want. Do you want to be happy? Do you want to be loved, acknowledged, and appreciated? Do you want to have a relationship where you can communicate with your mate and they can express themselves as an adult and not shut down like a child? If he is not contributing to you, and showering you with love, affection, and attention, then I think you know what you should do. It’s time to be the bigger adult in this relationship, end it, and move on. You have to create a loving environment for you and your child. You come first. If he is not willing to make an effort, or at least try to make changes, then it’s time to go. Do you, be happy, and love you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!