Terrance, while I’m writing this I am so terrified. I met the love of my life in high school.
Everything was good up until we moved in together. Before I get into that let me give you a look into my background.
Growing up I was an only child. From the time I was younger my mom confessed her hate for me. I was a product of rape. My mom had a great nursing job and stated to me numerous times that she loved her job more than me. When I was 13 years old my mom got into a relationship with a man. I’ll call him “Pete.”
After a few months my mom let Pete move in with us. Working as a nurse my mom had to work numerous hours and that meant overnight shifts. Six months into Pete living with us he began to come into my room and touch me. Touching then transpired into sexual penetration. At this time I was 15 years old. One day I decided to tell my mom. My mom didn’t believe me. So, one day I decided to confront Pete in front of my mom. He then confessed to raping me and told my mom that the only way it would stop was if I was out of the picture. My mom sent me away to stay with my grandma.
I transferred school and that’s when I met “Lamar.” We hit it off well. Fast forward to today I am 24 years old and I am scared for my life. Lamar was charming, but all that changed after we moved in together 6 months ago. At first, he was verbally abusive which escalated to him physically abusing me. I’ve suffered a broken nose, three black eyes, busted lips and bruises all at the hands of my high school sweetheart. My grandma is now deceased and I have no friends.
I’ve reached out to my mother and told her what was going on and she said that I deserve everything that’s happening to me. That really hurts because all my life I’ve loved my mother and looked up to her and she hates my soul. Once my boyfriend found out that I had contacted my mom he beat me, took away my phone and locked me in a room. He called my mom and she told him everything I told her.
He keeps me in this room and lets me out for two hours out of the day. He told me if I called the police he would kill me before they could arrive. I believe him because before he choked me until I passed out. The only reason why I am writing you is because I have no friends, no family to talk to and during the two hours of freedom I do have I visit this website and I ran across some of your advice columns. My boyfriend is asleep so after I send this I’m going to delete it because he regularly checks my email. I am scared to death for my life and I have not a soul to turn to. –No One To Turn To
Dear Ms. No One to Turn To,
Sweetie, you have to devise an exit plan today! If you love yourself, and your life, then it’s time to be a survivor and not a victim any longer. And, it’s time to outsmart, and outwit your abuser, your kidnapper. You don’t have too much time, and it’s critical you make use of your time.
The first is to get someone’s attention outside of where you live. If he lets you out for two hours of the day, then you must be creative and get someone’s attention on the outside. A neighbor, the mailman, someone whom you have seen regularly and can get their attention. Confide in them and tell them what’s going on, and tell them to call the police. It’s a matter of life or death.
Next, you can call the police by dialing 911, and you can just tell the operator you need help. That you’ve been kidnapped, and you are being held against your will. Then hang up and delete the number. They can trace all 911 calls and find your location. But, again, you have a short window of time to make this happen, and when they arrive you scream and yell telling them what’s going on, and don’t let them leave you there alone with him. You leave with them, and tell them you want to press charges and you want him locked up!
You didn’t mention if you are in a house, or an apartment. But, if he is letting you out for two hours, and you can get access to the computer while he is sleep, then climb out of the window, or go through the front or back door. Get out of that house and run to the police station, a hospital, or flag down a neighbor, or someone who can help you. Do not stay in that house if you can get out. If you can’t get out, then email 911, and also search the local police station and email everyone there. Tell them you are in danger of your life and being held against your will, and you let them know the location. Then delete the history search on the computer and your emails. Again, you’ve got to be smarter than him, and outwit him.
I know you are frightened, scared, and afraid, but you have to get out of that house. There are plenty of shelters you can go to, and support systems are in place for women, such as yourself, who are victims of domestic violence. You’ve got to be strong, and get to a shelter. If you can get to a police station or hospital they can help you and provide you with the resources of a shelter.
You also need the strength and courage to press charges against him. He is not your boyfriend. He is a captor, a menace, and a kidnapper. Your mother needs to be ashamed of herself for what she has done to you, and said to you. At this point you have to fight for your own life, and believe in yourself. Your mother has proven to you that she does not care about you, nor does she want to be bothered with you. And, I’m truly sorry for it, but now you have to look out for number one and that is you. Once you are out of the situation, please get into therapy. You have experienced severe trauma in your life, and you should speak with a professional therapist or psychiatrist to help you deal with your trauma, and the after effects. Then, you need to file a restraining order, learn how to protect yourself and take every precaution to keep him away from you. Even if you have to move to another city, or state, you can do this, and rebuild your life. Also, find a church and spiritual center where you can surround yourself with positive and empowering reinforcements. You don’t ever want to be in a situation where you have no friends, and no one to turn to. A church or spiritual center will be a great resource, as you meet people, and they will notice if they haven’t seen you, or if you come to services that something is wrong.
You don’t deserve what is happening to you. No one does. You are in a domestic violence relationship, and your abuser is terrorizing you. I hope you can find a method, or a way out of that house, and to a police station or hospital. Please be strong and know that you don’t deserve to be in this situation. There is help available. If you can, and, this goes for anyone who may be in a similar situation, or have experienced abuse from your partner, please call the Domestic Violence hotline and speak their trained personnel – 800-799-7233. I wish you the best out of this situation. Let us know you have made it out safely. – Terrance Dean
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