My fiancé and I are both 25 years old and have been together for five years.
He is a great guy, but lately we have been at each other’s throats. We have been trying to have a baby for three years, but have yet to conceive. The doctors don’t understand why we cannot conceive.
I have an autistic son from a previous relationship and my fiancé treats him like his own flesh and blood, but he doesn’t have any children and really wants to have another child. My son’s biological father isn’t in his life and my son calls my fiancé his dad. Our love of children is what brought us together.
However, at this point in my life I’d rather focus on a career rather than having a baby. We have been fighting a lot and currently sleep in different rooms. If it wasn’t for my son we wouldn’t be together. We both want the same thing out of life (career, another child, marriage), but we want them in different order. It’s not like I’m preventing myself from getting pregnant; it’s just not happening for us for some reason. I don’t want to break up our little family, but he’s really ticking me off. What should I do? – Not Ready For Another Child
Dear Ms. Not Ready For Another Child,
You sleep in different rooms, you don’t want to have a child, but your fiancé does, and you’re fighting a lot. Welp, why are you staying in this relationship? Seriously, why?
The statement you made, “If it wasn’t for my son we wouldn’t be together,” clearly has made sense of this entire relationship. You have a man in your life who is stepping up to the plate to be a father to your autistic child, and your child calls him dad, however, it is only this child who is keeping you two together. This is the wrong reason to be with someone. And, I understand that he is a father-figure to your autistic child, but, at what cost to you? If you are with your fiancé only for the sake of your son, then you’ll never be happy in this relationship, and bringing another child into the situation will not make it better.
If you pay close attention this is a precursor, a glimpse into your life if you decide to marry your fiancé. The only thing you two really have in common appears to be your son, and your love for children. Other than that, you didn’t say what else keeps you two together. What makes you two happy to be with one another?
So, why does your fiancé want a child so desperately, and with you? Have you spoken with him and told him that you don’t want a child at this time, but to focus on your career? Have you shared that you want to get married first, build your career, and then start a family? More importantly, have you been honest and upfront with him about why you are with him? It is only because of your son, and that your son is attached to him. (Sips tea) Tell the truth and shame the devil.
But, you won’t say anything, and you will not be that honest because I’m sure it will hurt his feelings. Hell, but then again, he may be honest with you and tell you some things. You need to ask him if he is happy in the relationship, and if he really wants to get married, and what if you decide not to have a child right now, and if he will leave or respect your wishes.
Because, right now, you’re not lovers, partners, or two people who love one another, but basically roommates living together. You’re hostile toward one another, and you’re pointing the finger at each another and blaming the other for what’s going on in your relationship. Stop. Look around you. Listen to what’s being said. And, then you will become very present to what’s happening. Neither of you are happy. And, you are not on the same page regarding your relationship, its direction, and your future. He wants a child, and you don’t. Will this hinder your relationship? Is this a deal breaker for him?
Talk with one another. Listen to what he’s saying, and ask him if you can hold off for another year or two. Tell him what your dreams are, and what you want out of the relationship. Explain to him that you are not ready for another child, and that you want to focus on your career. He can’t make you do something you don’t want to do, and if you he keeps pressuring you then it’s time to leave the relationship. Right now, the two of you have two different goals and desires. Yours have changed over the years, and you no longer want to have a child. You’ve tried for three years and it didn’t happen.
You mentioned that the doctors cannot tell you what is going on, then, how about having your fiancé get checked out. Perhaps he is not producing enough semen, or he may have a low count and may have to change his regiment of eating, exercise, or whatever. Who knows. Therefore, both of you get checked out and hopefully you’ll get the answers you need.
In the meantime, you need to have a serious conversation, and get into couple’s therapy. Get to the root of what’s happening in your relationship because if it’s gotten to the point where you are sleeping in separate rooms, the next step will be him sleeping in some other woman’s bed. – Terrance Dean
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