Dear Bossip: After 11 Years Of Ups & Downs I Just Want Him To Do Right

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I always read your relationship advice on Bossip and love how you’re straight up with it.

For that fact, I am in need of some advice on my current situation. To give you some background on it, I met my now ex-boyfriend 11 years ago when I was 14 years old. As soon as I saw him I felt this strong pull and the feeling hasn’t dissipated at all.

Being 14 years old I had never had a boyfriend, no first kiss and ultimately never had sexual relations with anyone. Anyway, we became friends and after a few years we were really close, around my sophomore/junior year in high school he had moved and we lost contact. For a full year I prayed that if it was truly meant to be that he’ll come back into my life and if not, then I’ll move on.

After coming very close to giving up on the reality that we may not see each other again my sister told me she had seen him at his new job and our friendship started again, but this time it was more intense. We finally became a couple when I was 17 and he was 19. He was my first in everything and we fell in love, a love that I thought would be for a lifetime. After 8 years of being together we’ve had our ups and downs, we broke up a few times, but always got back together. Even when we were broken up we always kept in contact with one another and still stayed intimate with each other.

He always told me that I come before any of the girls he talks to or messes with and that any girl he does mess with knows about me, but isn’t allowed to speak about me or have an opinion on what me and him have. (I don’t know if I believe it, but hey it sounds good, right?) The last time we broke up he had messed with this ratchet and she came back saying she was pregnant, it was a lie, but at the time it devastated me. However, I was still there for him even though I was falling apart inside.

I would listen and comfort him and eventually when he found out it was all a lie he apologized for putting me through that. He said that he loved me and wanted to be with only me so I took him back thinking and things would be different and finally this time he’ll commit.

This past year we’ve been asked over and over again by family and friends, and on occasion by strangers, when are we getting married. His mom would tell him on multiple occasions that she’s ready for grandchildren and I let him know straight up that I want marriage, a family, and a future with him. We had gotten pregnant about a year and a half ago, but at the time we decided that we truly weren’t ready. The decision has messed with me ever since. That has truly been my biggest regret in life.

Ever since I was young I always knew I wanted children and a good family life, since mine wasn’t. I’ve always had this maternal instinct and it’s just gotten stronger as the years have gone by. However, he’s been like a seesaw when it comes to commitment. One day it’s, “I don’t know if I’m ready for all that,” and the next it’ll be, “I want us to buy land and build a house so that we can pass it down to our children and they’ll have some sort of security.”

So, as he was indecisive I told myself to wait just a little longer because, hell, we’ve been at it for 8 years and I truly love this man with everything so I might as well wait a little longer. Our families love one another and treat us like we were one of their own. My family has helped him in numerous situations where his family should’ve stepped up but didn’t.

Anyways, about a month ago he broke up with me saying that he felt like he was stringing me along and didn’t want to hurt me anymore because of his indecisiveness and that he wasn’t happy in the relationship. Of course I was hurt and speechless because how could he not be happy? I was doing everything a wife would do for her husband except being intimate (we got deeply involved in our church, so I said no more sex until marriage, and to at least do one thing right by God).

A couple days after he broke up with me I found out that he was speaking to another girl and actually used my car to hang out with her. After I found out I was pissed, I told him he can no longer use my car by himself (his car broke down a few years ago and he had been using mine like his own until that happened), and that he needed to move out with his trifling a**. I stopped cooking for him, washing his clothes and everything else. Things have been very bumpy since we broke up and he’s still living under the same roof as I.

We get into arguments a lot and the crazy Cuban comes out of me and I start saying things just to hurt him as much as I hurt, and I start to threaten him. I usually apologize because I know when I’m hurt I go for the jugular with my words. However, I don’t know what to do as I’m still trying to fight for the relationship and he’s given up saying he doesn’t want to try anymore and all he wants to do is put himself first for once and have fun.

He’s 28 years old, and I would assume that it’s time to settle down, and not act like he’s 21. I feel like I’m a good woman. I’m 25 years old. I’m not a loose goose, and I’m halfway done with my Bachelors degree. I have a decent job, pay my own bills, have my own car and I love God. What else can a man want?

I can accept the fact that communication wasn’t the best it could be, but I figured whatever problems we have we can always work out, especially if we love each other. He was an amazing boyfriend when we were together, but now that we’re not he continues to hurt my feelings by talking to other females and “doing him.”

I’ve told him multiple times, screaming at the top of my lungs, for him to get his stuff and go, but he doesn’t leave. I want us to work this out and be together. I want him to finally commit and realize that he has a good woman by his side, but I can’t fight for this relationship by myself. Everyone I talk to (as for family) about this situation tells me that I need to leave him alone, that I’ll find someone better, etc. But, the fact is I don’t want anyone else. I just want to be with him and it’s just a really messed up situation.

I’m trying to see this as an opportunity to work on myself, emotionally and physically since my weight has ballooned in the past few years. So, I’ve taken control over my weight loss and am going down the right path. As of today I can comfortably fit in pants that I had to lay on the bed to button (LOL) a couple months ago. And, I continue to work on myself daily.

I’ve continued to pray about it asking God to move him out of my life if this isn’t meant for me and praying for discernment as far as what lesson I am supposed to learn from this, but at the end of the day I feel lost and confused. In the back of my mind I keep asking myself, “What did I do wrong?” I’m not getting any younger and I really don’t want to be this old a** woman with just her dogs to keep her company.

I could go on and on since there’s so much that went on and is going on, but I’ve already written a novel so I’ll leave it as is. LOL!

Please help!! I don’t know what to do anymore and would love someone on the outside looking in to give me some kind of advice.  – Heartbroken

Dear Ms. Heartbroken,

Girl, stop. Please! Just stop! All this whining and crying over some man who doesn’t want to be with you, and you’re trying to hold on to this fantasy that you created for yourself when you were 14 years old. LET IT GO! You are 25 years old now, and still trying to live out that fairytale life! It’s not going to happen, especially not with him!

Ugh! I can’t stand whiners, and all this going back and forth over some trite, tired, no-good, ain’t –ish man who ain’t about –ish, and don’t want to do –ish but run the streets.

How the hell you break up with someone and you let them still live in your house and drive your car? What the hell is going on? And, you’re bragging about all the things you do for him as a wife, yet you’re not married? Girl, you sound dumb as hell! Why are you giving him all the benefits of a wife, yet, you’re playing house, and you pay the bills, you cook for him, wash his clothes, he lives with you, and he uses your car. Girl, SMDH! I need some Henney in my coffee.

He is using you. Point. Blank. Period. You have created a situation for him to lay up and be comfortable in your house, but he isn’t even contributing anything to you or the relationship. I swear common sense is not common. Can’t you see that he is constantly taking and taking from you, but not giving back or depositing to you? UGH! He is spiritually, emotionally, and mentally depleting you and you are allowing him to do it.

You are sitting up screaming and yelling that you want him to pack his things and leave, but in the next sentence you’re talking about how much you love him, and you don’t want to be with anyone else. Do you even hear your own damn self?

And, it will explain why your weight is out of control. It’s because your life is out of control. You can’t even manage your own life. You’re so busy focusing on him, that you have lost sight of you in this relationship. You’ve stopped taking care of yourself, because you’re so busy running after him, chasing after him, and trying to get him to be the man you want him to be. STOP ALL THAT –ISH TODAY! Stop exerting your energy into him and put that energy into you!

Focus on you! Love you! Take care of you! You come first before any man, woman, person, family member, or friend. You are number one in your life. Not some man. And, if he can’t treat you with the respect, love, and commitment you deserve, then why are you putting yourself through this? Seriously? You’ve been with him for damn near 11 years and he hasn’t changed. So, what makes you think he is going to change in the next 11 months, 11 weeks, 11 days, hell, 11 minutes? He’s not going to change or do anything because he’s a bum. He’s lazy. He’s trifling. He’s no-good. What man you know who has a car and it breaks down, and he uses his girl’s car for the next few years and he doesn’t even think to get his car fixed, or buy his own car? Your dumba** man! And your dumba** let him use your car because it’s your way of keeping him in your life.

Why am I even bothering with you? You don’t want him out of your life. You want him to acknowledge how good of a woman you are, and you want him to turn around and shape up and be the man you want him to be. You want that fantasy fairytale relationship you’ve been dreaming about ever since you were 14 years old. Girl, grow the damn hell up and stop acting like some school girl with a crush. You are a grown a** woman still playing with this boy/man who refuses to grow up.

Pack his –ish, put it outside, change the locks, and change your number. Keep your keys to the car, put an alarm on it, and move the hell on with your life. He is stressing you out, and your weight will continue to be a problem if you allow him to stay in your life because you are eating your stress, and it’s affecting your entire life. Stay focused on going to church, and save yourself. Build your spiritual life, surround yourself with positive loving and caring people from your church, and start celebrating your life. You can’t sit around waiting on him because he’s told you that he doesn’t want to be with you. Therefore, stop waiting on him. If he won’t make you number one, then never settle for number two, three, or four. Never become someone’s option. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

      

 

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