Dear Bossip: I’m 21, He’s 30, We Both Have HIV & I’m Tired Of The Drama

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

This is going to be a long one. I met a guy in 2012 (I took a break from school to figure out what course I wanted to do).

He is 9 years my senior, and he was pursuing me. I let him know that if we were to do anything I don’t want a casual situation (because I had just done that with the guy before him and I was left hurt). He said at his age he wasn’t trying to be going around having flings (I was 19 and he was 28).

Anyway, we started sleeping together and then made things official. Two months later I discovered he had a girlfriend. He denied it at the first, but he finally confessed and said she wasn’t around and the relationship was rocky and they were about to break up anyway. He asked me to stay with him and I did (I know) three months after that. After an incident where I went to see him, as I was leaving, she was coming so we all sort of standing there together pretending like nobody knows about the situation. It was so awkward.

I went home, cried my eyes out I expressed to him that I can’t do this anymore and he told me that they ended things that day (a part of me suspects she broke up with him! If she hadn’t he’d probably still be doing us both). So now, it’s just me and him. He confessed that he didn’t think him and I would last longer than 2 months, despite the fact that I told him I wasn’t trying to do a casual situation. He says he is glad that I stuck it out, it just shows how much I actually care and he doesn’t understand why it took him so long to realize that. Maybe it’s because of the age gap and the fact that he doesn’t have much going on in his life (he still lives at home, smokes weed and is in and out of jobs. . . I know).

So, later on in the year, he gets a job and I start seeing him less. I suspect he’s probably doing someone else so I cheated. He found out, and was so upset that he broke up with me. We didn’t speak for about 2 months and he finally reached out to me. We hooked up again and started sleeping together again and inevitable got back together.

I started school in 2013 and I figured it would be illogical to still keep this relationship going because I didn’t trust him at all. I knew I wasn’t trust worthy either so I broke up with him. Again, he stops talking to me and I later find out that I’m pregnant – this is where things get weird – because I had cheated on him and because when we started sleeping together again we weren’t back together yet, he didn’t think it was his. I kind of understood that, but I assured him it was his.

He was an ABSOLUTE a**hole. I knew I didn’t want to keep it, but he didn’t even bother to ask me what I wanted to do. He demanded I get rid of it and I told him we’d have to raise money for it. He said he’d get back to me and I had to hunt him down every time. I ended up raising the money all on my own and then I got the abortion. He asked me how it went, and I told him it was hell. Then, due to a ‘second opinion’ he got from one of his “exes turned best friend,” who also had an abortion in the past, she claimed an abortion was not at all how I had explained it, and I must have been faking the pregnancy, since I was not around him at the time I discovered and underwent the abortion. He believed it. I asked him what would I gain from faking a pregnancy? It’s not like he financed anything. And, if I was after money I would’ve waited for him to pay. And, if I was trying to trap him I would’ve kept it. He got tongue tied. Anyway, life continues and we are not talking. I get arrested and he was the only person who could conveniently bail me out that same day and he does so. He apologizes for his d**k behavior during my pregnancy. I discover this “best friend turned ex” and him shack up on occasion and she never likes anyone he dates.

He tries to get back with me and I play hard to get. He then moves to the same city where I started going to school, and then the cycle starts again (I know). I visit him one time, and I stayed there for several days. We weren’t back together yet, and, then he calls up ANOTHER girl who’s ‘just a friend.’ But, when she gets there they start cussing right in front of m. I decided that was a good time to pack my -ish and leave.

He calls me a few days later and says he would’ve never slept with her if I hadn’t left. He says they just met a few months ago and nothing was going on, and I shouldn’t care because I didn’t want to get back with him anyway. He says that I only ever want him back when he’s starting something with someone else. He says I don’t understand the extent of which my “constant breaking up” with him has left him heartbroken, and blah blah!

Now, we still together and I figure it’s because we’re both HIV positive, and I don’t believe I can find someone who would love me this way. He’s just comfortable for me I guess. We live in different cities again, and he says he’s loyal. I think that’s bull-ish. He says I need to take his word more. I tell him that’s bull-ish, and his word have never corresponded with his actions.

I resent him, and I find myself avoiding his calls and not calling him back. And he’s – I don’t know, trying? I don’t know… Maybe he is trying to be serious I guess. But, even if we tried, so much has happened, and too much still needs to come right. I do care about him, I guess. I don’t know if I’m in love. Sometimes I feel like I am, and sometimes I hate him so much. Sometimes I get so mad (like I am right now), especially when I’m reminded of how much I’ve allowed to happen and how I just settled for the demeaning things he’s done to me.

He knows how I feel and he tries to make it seem like every cloud has a silver lining and things could still come right. But, every time I bring out the facts he gets so upset with my pessimism. I know if we break up he’s probably going to be with someone else and sell them the same dreams. So, that’s my life. I’m now 21 and he’s 30. What do you think? – Totally Screwed

Dear Ms. Totally Screwed,

This letter! Not today. Not this early in the morning. Geez!

You know, I guess I will never understand what a 19 year old young woman has in common with a 28 year old man. Especially a 28 year old man who has no job, lives at home, smokes weed all day, and can do nothing for you other than give you some dirty community shared d**k.

What is appeasing, enticing, or appealing about him? Please share with all of us what is so attractive, tantalizing, and invigorating about this catch of a man you have. (Sips morning tea heavily mixed with Henney)

If, after two months of dating him, you learn he has a girlfriend, then why stick around? Why continue in a relationship, or even think he will ever be faithful to you if he’s already cheating on you from the very beginning? I swear being in college, and have common sense is not one in the same.

You know what…you’re young and reckless. You’re silly and immature. You’re running after a grown a** man who doesn’t have anything to offer you other than some d**k. You get locked up for lawd knows what. You’re sleeping around, and not sure who the father is. Annnnnnnnnnnnd, you are HIV positive, and you’re having unprotected sex. SMDH! You don’t care about yourself. You don’t care about anyone else. And, you’re a hot a** mess who needs to have several seats in the corner of the short yellow bus. You’re too young to be this trifling….hold up…you’re never too young to be this trifling.

So, here you are, and you’re both HIV positive. You didn’t share if you contracted it from him, or if you both had it prior to dating. But, all this sleeping around you both are doing with other people is dangerous, unhealthy, and irresponsible. Are you telling your partners that you are cheating on him with that you are HIV positive? Obviously not, because you ended up pregnant, and you weren’t sure if he or the other guy was the father. Though, you claim it was his. So, you’re out screwing men, with no protection, and….I just can’t. I really can’t with you.

You two deserve one another. You two are pitiful and sad. You’re both emotionally and mentally damaged people, who continue to fight and hurt one another. Therefore, in order to get back at him, or for him to get back at you, you both go out and sleep with other people, and have reckless unprotected sex, and then point the finger at the other person claiming that if only that did right then none of this would be happening.

What’s sad is that you both are hurting other people, and probably infecting other people with your virus. And, because you don’t care about yourself, your own health, and your own well-being, then it is impossible for you to care about someone else, and their well-being.

You don’t love you because if you did, then you would make sure you are being properly treated for your HIV, living a healthy lifestyle, protecting yourself and others, and getting rid of the drama, stress, and aggravation out of your life, which is your on again off again boyfriend. Do know that when you casually sleep with other men that you are more at a potential risk of re-infecting yourself? You are also more susceptible to other venereal diseases. So, why not learn more about your virus, and how to properly protect your own body and mind so that you can live longer. Your promiscuous lifestyle will only be a detriment to you.

And, you don’t have to stay with him just because he also has HIV. That is not a reason to remain with someone. I know you feel that since you both have it, then, you may as well stay together, and that you feel no one else may not want you. But, that is not the truth. You have to learn how to love yourself, respect yourself, have some self-esteem and self-worth. You are lovable, and worthy of love. You are intelligent and smart and know better than to be with some low life bum who doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

He continues to cheat on you, sleep around, and possibly is re-infecting you because he knows you are not going anywhere. He knows he can manipulate you, lie to you, and convince you that you are the problem and reason he can’t be faithful to you. Stop giving him access to your life, and in between your legs. He doesn’t want anything from you, and he can’t give you anything. He doesn’t work. He lives at home. He is 30 years old and he can’t even take care of himself, so how the hell can he take care of you.

Please, get into proper treatment, find a doctor who can help you remain healthy, and devise a mental, emotional, and physical plan for you. You have a full life ahead of you, and you don’t want some guy who ain’t –ish, and ain’t doing –ish to mess up your life because he has f****d up his life.

Get into therapy, and start talking with a psychologist, or counselor about your issues and what’s at the root of your need to sleep around, and keep running back to this guy. He’s not good for you. He never was and never will be. You don’t deserve this treatment from him, and I’d hate for you to get pregnant again and he tells you to get rid of it. Obviously he doesn’t see himself being with you for the long haul. He doesn’t respect you, your body, or your life. Hell, he doesn’t even respect, or love himself, so it’s impossible for him to love you. Girl, stop this cycle with him and get some help. If you don’t, you’ll be another statistic, and it won’t be a living one. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

      

 

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