I lost the only person that loved me wholeheartedly.
Let me start off by saying he’s 20 years my senior, and I’m 21 years old. We’ve been together for 1 ½ years and I’ve cheated on him more than 15 times. I was living my life as an escort and I slept with over 290 men in my life. I finally told him my secret and he accepted me and helped me turn my life around. It was like he loved me even more after I told him the truth. Our bond was inseparable.
He helped me stop talking to my “friends” who were keeping me in that lifestyle. Every time I would go back to escorting he took me in like a knight and shining armor. I was dealing with all types of self esteem issues. He taught me myself worth and how to love myself. I contracted Herpes, and, yes, still he stayed. After researching the disease we knew that he could only get it if I had an outbreak. He never treated me differently or judged me.
Even after knowing the truth of all my deceptions like bringing other men into our bed, hanging out with clients at our gym, etc. He still paid my rent and spoiled me while I tried to get my life together. When we would get into fights I would hit him and break his things. I was horrible, but he still treated me like I was his woman and never cheated on me.
I lied and cheated on him so much that he doesn’t even touch me the same. Everything is starting to wear on him. He has strong trust issues when it comes to me. I’ve been so selfish and self-centered it’s disgusting. I can’t even forgive myself. He’s honestly made me into a better person and if he really leaves me this time I’m terrified I might still use sex to cope with my insecurities and slack off.
I’m almost done with nursing school and currently don’t have a job. He still pays my rent and takes care of me. I’m so scared I might go back to my old ways. He’s recently left me and said he’s not coming back this time, although, I haven’t slept with another man in 5 months. He told me that we were not equally yoked. He needs a partner and after all the drama in our past he knows he needs better. He’s cheated before in past relationships and he wanted to be the good guy for a change if it didn’t work.
I have his heart, but that’s not enough anymore. This man is nothing less than amazing and I know he deserves better. I need to let him go, but I can’t. Instead, I want to prove to him I’m not the same person. How can I make him forgive me for my pass mistakes and show him I’m ready to be in a monogamous relationship that’s geared towards partnership and love, and not dependency and selfishness? – The Girl Your Mother Warned You About
Dear Ms. The Girl Your Mother Warned You About,
Chile, you’re like that saying, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.” You have some issues, and he can’t fix them, and unfortunately, they are even out of your realm of fixing. You need professional help.
I noticed several things throughout your letter. The first, you kept giving him credit, such as, “He helped me to stop talking to my friends who were keeping me in that lifestyle.” And, “He taught me myself worth and how to love myself.” Also, “He still paid my rent and spoiled me while I tried to get my life together.”
Sweetie, you were reliant on him to change your life, but you weren’t ready to change your life, because you continued to cheat and lie in the relationship. You resorted to sex, doing what you know best, and, simply, it is your way to make you feel good about yourself. Sex has become your drug, your fix. And, to fix anything in your life you resort to sex. You have a problem.
Giving him all this credit of helping you, teaching you self-respect and self-love, well, unless you want those things for yourself, then everything he has done has been in vain. You have to want to have self-respect for yourself. You have to want love for yourself, and to do self-love. You have to know your worth, and to work hard at not allowing others to use your body as self-gratification, even for your own benefit.
Honey, your boyfriend was nothing more to you than another trick. He was another “John,” and you treated him as such. You didn’t love him, you only loved what he did for you. He paid your bills, showered you with attention and affection, and other things. Yet, that wasn’t enough. You enjoyed the attention. You like the money, and you enjoy having someone tell you how special you are, and how pretty you and that you don’t need to be doing this. You want a cheerleader, not a boyfriend. Besides, how can you love him when you don’t even love yourself?
Sure, he may have really wanted to be with you, and really cared about you, but he wised up and knew what he deserved, and what he needed, and unfortunately you can’t and won’t be that for him. You need some serious help, and you will only do more harm to him than good. Leave him alone and work on you!
I really want you to think about this and let it sink in – You’ve slept with over 290 men in your life and you’re only 21 years old. Let that marinate and stew in your head. Now, you have an incurable disease, and you continue to put yourself and others at risk because of your promiscuous behavior. Young lady, you are dangerous. You are lethal. You even signed your letter, The Girl Your Mother Warned You About. Therefore, you even know you are no good for any man, especially not now. You can’t be faithful, and you’re not interested in being faithful.
It’s time to stop. Stop and really think about what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and how to get the necessary help to deal with your mentality and emotional well-being. You are a terrorist, and you are not only destroying your own body, but you are destroying those who come in contact with you. If you don’t get into therapy, treatment, and some psychological counseling, then you will come across the wrong “John,” or the wrong trick and it won’t end pretty.
It’s time to spend all this energy and time working on you and your life. You shouldn’t be in any type of relationship because you don’t know how to be monogamous. You don’t know how to be faithful. You don’t know how to treat others with respect, and love because you don’t know how to treat your own self with respect and love. You can’t even be faithful to yourself, because if you were, then you wouldn’t be sleeping around and laying up with men knowing you have an incurable disease.
You have to want to change for yourself and not for a man, or for someone else who wants you to. You need to do it for yourself and because you want to do it for yourself. Sex is your drug, and you are an addict. You are going to need to Big Momma and ‘em, and the entire spiritual community, along with personal counseling, and psychological treatment to get through this. And, it’s not going to be easy because sex for you is like getting up in the morning and having breakfast. You are going to have find another way to exert your energy, mind, and thinking, and it begins with getting help and acknowledging you have a problem. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!