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Dear Bossip,

I’m in a bit of a situation and am hoping you will be able to provide some insight.

So, let me give you the context. I am currently in my first interracial relationship (me: black, him: white) for about 6 months. It first started while we were intimate and he asked, “Who’s your master?” To which I stopped what I was doing and he stated he had gone too far.

The thing is it didn’t stop there. I am not one to censor people’s fantasies and we have even participated in a rape fantasy. I am okay that he likes to dominate during sex, but he isn’t that way during our day to day life. He’s always quick to stop what he’s doing if I use our “safe word.”

Lately, though, he has been saying he wants to role play where I am a slave and he is the master, and I am just not cool with it. He feels like I’m overreacting. He wants to put me in chains, and when I said my peace, he joked and said, “You shouldn’t be ashamed of your heritage. LOL”

He even once quietly said to me in jest when a guy was looking at me, “Stop looking, that’s my slave.” Like WTF?!?  He keeps saying it’s a fantasy and nothing else to it. I just don’t find it cute nor do I think I’m overreacting. It’s not as if his family is a stranger to interracial dating as his sister is in an interracial relationship and they have a child together. My question is how do I move forward in this situation? Should I be concerned? – Not Feeling The Role Play

Dear Ms. Not Feeling The Role Play,

Uhm, okay. So, you said he likes to dominate during sex, but he isn’t like that during your day to day life. Yet, in your day to day life he’s said things such as, “You shouldn’t be ashamed of your heritage,” as he wants to put you in chains and pretend you’re a slave and he’s your master. And, when another guy was looking at you he said, “Stop looking, that’s my slave.” Let’s be very clear: HE IS LIKE THAT IN YOUR DAY TO DAY LIFE!

Girl, have you blurred the lines between role play fantasy and real life? Sweetie, he said those things outside of the bedroom. I don’t know if you’re trying to justify his behavior, but that –ish is not cool at all! Therefore, HELL NO, you don’t move forward. Get out of this relationship. He’s showing and telling you who he really is. And, yes, you should be concerned. His statements are racist, sexist, and vile. Ma’am, it’s been all of six months, and he’s already showing you who he is and what he’s about. GET OUT!

Who stays in a relationship with someone and their fantasy is to put you in chains, and he pretends that you’re a slave and he’s the master? I wish someone would fix their mouth to even remotely suggest something so vile and racist! And, then he’s in public talking about you’re his slave. Uhm, hell to the MF’ing NO! Next, he will be calling you the “N” word. You better check this –ish and get him right together. This is not cute. It’s not a fantasy, and there’s no difference between role playing and real life. That game of master/slave is not a game to be played in the bedroom or out of it.

Trust me, he has made some other snide comments to his friends or family members about you, and they are not positive in nature. What he’s saying is how and what he really feels. Girl, this fool told you that you should be comfortable being in chains and not to be ashamed of your heritage. WOW! Really?!? That’s when you should have slapped the dog –ish out of him and kicked him in his dog a** baby nuts.

You’re in a relationship with a white man who’s fantasy is really to sleep with black women and treat you like the exotic fetishized other and to live out his fantasies of treating you like a slave with him dominating you like some master, and to berate, belittle, and demean you. Girl, this fool will be in public calling you a slave, and treating you like you’re less than human and he will embarrass you. If he is comfortable saying these things in the bedroom, and comfortable enough to say these things to you in your relationship, then, he will get the wrong idea and think it’s okay to say these same things in the streets, and in front of friends and family members.

It’s never okay to allow someone to role play with you, and they are making racist statements, and demeaning you, your heritage, culture, or ethnicity. There has to be some boundaries, and some lines you don’t cross. This is one them. However, I’m sure you’re saying but he really isn’t like this, and his sister is in an interracial relationship, and blah, blah, blah. Pay attention to what he has said, and he continues to say to you. When people tell you who they are believe them. When people show you who they are believe them. And, personally, I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who has made these types of requests, statements, or suggestions. He’s telling you and showing you who he really is. Again, if he’s comfortable enough to say them to you in the bedroom, and outside the bedroom, then don’t get it twisted, this is how he really feels and thinks of you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

      

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