Dear Bossip: My Husband Doesn't Contribute & I Want A Separation

Dear Bossip,

I have been married to my husband for 4years. We have been together almost 6 years.

I have been a little depressed in my marriage because I feel my husband does not know what marriage truly is! He does not know how to compromise nor does he understand the struggles that I sacrifice to keep our marriage together.

When I met him he was working, but before we walked down the aisle he no longer was employed. He made a promise to me that he would find a job and that he will not have me struggle to pay bills or make ends meet. Well, he didn’t work for 2 whole years. I the paid bills. I took us on family trips. And, I paid for special trips with just me and him. I took him shopping. I spoiled him just enough so that he would know I was in his corner, but I wanted him to find a job. He never would look for one.

He would be home playing the Xbox while I worked everyday sometimes going in on my days off and on holidays. He started to take a toll on me. He finally did find a job, but it’s not enough to help pay the bills. He also said to me that any bills that were in the house that were not in his name were my bills, and not his. They were my responsibility. I have never heard such a thing in my life. I thought when two people get married you share everything, but not in his case.

He treats our children separate. He has 5 kids and I have 4 of my own. He only takes care of 1 child out of his 5 children. But, he condemns me for taking care of my 4 children who are 21, 17, 14, and10 years old. I love my children. Me and my ex husband don’t get along, but when I need something for my kids if he does not help I deal with it and take care of it myself. My current husband gets mad at me when I don’t put the pressure on my ex-husband to do for his kids. But, I don’t condemn him when I know he only takes care of one child and not all of his kids.

He is always secretive about his life. He knows everything about me. EVERTHING! But, if I ask about something about him it’s not any of my concern. I’m starting to wonder about him. His phone is secret. I’m not one to go through a person’s phone, but I know it’s something in the phone that he does not want me to see.

I have been feeling not connected to him anymore. I want to ask for a separation, but he has nowhere to go. He does not deal with his family, so I can’t even put him out. I gave him chances to make this work. But, he is letting me know in so many words that he does not want to make this work. He wants to be single and not have responsibility anymore. I don’t know what to do!!!!! Any advice on this situation – Troubled Marriage

Dear Ms. Troubled Marriage,

I will be damned if I walk down the aisle with someone and they don’t have a job. No ma’am. Promises my a**! You get a job, then we will walk down the aisle.

But, that’s the problem with so many of you women. You are so desperate to have a man, and get married, that you will bear the burden just for the sake of saying you got a man. You will go to work every day, pulling extra shifts, working overtime, and pay all the bills in the house, cook for your man, clean for him, take care of him and his kids as well as your own, and then you have the nerve to take him shopping! Hell to the NO! He ain’t your bish! Well, technically he is, because that is exactly what he is acting like. LMBAO!

Look, you wanted to save face. You had already made plans to get married, sent the invitations, told everyone, and had the dress. So, instead of putting the wedding on hold, you went through with it despite your better judgment. You didn’t want to look like a fool and cancel the wedding, therefore, you marched your happy a** down the aisle, and figured he would get it together. He would make do on his promises that he would find a job and take care of you. Besides, you figured this is what marriage is all about – through the good and the bad. The up and down. You step in and take care of things, and when you fall flat he will step in and take care of things.

Now, look at you. This marriage is a sham. Your husband is lazy, trifling, a bum, and expects you to take care of him, the kids, and the household. Chile, I swear a lot of these men are on the come up with meeting women like you. He is laying up and living high off the hog while you break your neck bending over backwards to make a marriage work that he is not interested in nor is he willing to accommodate or take care of you or his children.

Ma’am, I have to do some whoo-sa’s because this –ish is making my heart race. He has five children, and I pray, lawd, I pray they are with the same woman. If not, and he has a few different baby mommas, and he is only taking care of one of his children, then why the hell did you marry him? UGH! I swear desperation is a cheap perfume I wish they would stop selling and you women stop buying in bulk. If he is not taking care of his children, in any shape, form, or fashion, then why do you women marry these low down dirty gutter bum a** dudes? If he won’t take care of his own children, then you should know and be very clear that he will not take care of your children, and nor will he feel responsible to take care of your children.

How dare your husband sit up there and tell you that you should make your ex-husband do more for his kids, but he’s sitting up in your house and not taking care of his? HUH? What kind of silly a** logic does that make. Sweetie, instead of biting your tongue, you better speak the hell up! You pay the bills, you pay the mortgage, you buy the food, therefore, you dictate what goes on in the house. Not him. So, you tell him, “Until you are paying the bills, the mortgage, making sure there is food on the table, and you are slaying some good long d**k, then, you shut the hell up about me and mine. You worry about your five children, and, as a matter of fact, how about you be a better father, husband, partner, friend, and lover to me, my children, and your own damn children. You over there supporting only one of your children, and you got the nerve to fix your mouth to try to tell me about mine? Oh, no, ma’am! Not in my house.”

I don’t care if he has no place to go. I don’t care if he is not on good terms with his family. I don’t care if he can’t afford to live on his own, or be separated. But, ma’am, there is no way in hell you should be burdened with all of these responsibilities, and this fool tells you that he is not paying any bills that don’t have his name on them. He got the game really F’d up! Duly remind him that before you got married he said you will not have to worry about anything. Duly remind him that he said that he would not have you struggle. Duly remind him that as a man, and a father, a husband, and someone who is in a marriage, that he has a responsibility, a duty, and a job to make sure that the house, you, and the children are taken care of you. If he can’t do that, then he needs to find someplace else to lay his lazy shiftless a**.

Communicate this effectively, and sternly with him. Please sit with him and discuss the plans and options of what you need, what you desire, and what you what from him to make this marriage work, and in order for your household to run efficiently and effectively. Let him know that this is not what you signed up for. Discuss what your ideas of a marriage is, and there are to be no secrets, hiding of phones, dictating to one another about exes and children, and what bills won’t be paid. This is a unit. It’s a marriage, a partnership. There is no “You,” or “I.” It is “We,” and “Us.”

Therefore, devise a plan, and I am all for the separation. I also highly recommend marriage counseling so that you and your husband can get on the same page. It’s obvious that you didn’t have pre-marital counseling before getting married. Thus, I strongly encouraging speaking with a counselor, therapist, and even a pastor or spiritual advisor. You and your husband did and do not have anything in common other than probably sleeping together. Now, it’s time to do you and work on you. It’s time to focus on you and your children, and not taking care of any additional child. You are too damn old, and grown for this. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!