Dear Bossip: I Don’t Know Why He Wants His Ex When I’m Perfect For Him

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I am in desperate need of someone to tell me the truth about my situation, and I know you won’t sugar coat anything!

I’m 44 years old and my man is 45 years old. We’ve been together for almost three years. We have 8 kids and 2 grandkids between us.

We met when my cousin moved a couple doors down from me. He is the uncle of her son. Her son’s father, his brother, died when he was a baby and my man stepped up to the plate as a father-figure to him. This really made me fall for him, seeing him with his nephew.

The problem was that he had a 25 year old fiancé. He and I started hanging out and he would vent to me about her. He told me that he made a big mistake (he hit her once), and that even though she took him back, she wouldn’t let it go and it was making him miserable. I know what he did wasn’t right, but he paid for his mistake and she took him back, so it couldn’t have been that bad.

We started having sex and it was amazing. I fell even more in love with him. My kids weren’t crazy about the situation because they knew about his fiancé, but I knew they would accept him once he got over his guilt and dumped her. I even met her a few times. He made me pretend to be his cousin. She was nice enough, but I hated her light-skin a**.

One day, he comes to my house and he’s freaking out. She was using a laptop at his house (it was mine) and she found a word document where I wrote about our situation and how much I loved him. She got angry and broke it! I was PISSED and he wouldn’t make her replace my stuff. She also found out about another woman he was messing with because the woman tried to fight her. (She’s a punk though. I tried to step to her, too, after she found out about us because they kept texting and she got in her car and drove off. SMH!)

She broke up with him and pawned his ring, which broke his heart. I was there to pick up the pieces. He ended up losing his apartment and moving in with me. I was on cloud 9 because I finally had him to myself. Everything was perfect, or so I thought. He started drinking heavily and was in and out of jobs. I caught him texting the woman that tried to fight his ex and we almost came to blows. He would get drunk and talk about how perfect his ex was and how I would never be like her because she was young, beautiful, went to college and he didn’t have to deal with no baby daddy drama with her because she didn’t have any kids.

This really hurt me and made me depressed. I started drinking and smoking all the time. He started missing holidays with me and my kids and my cousin told me he was spending them with her. (She told me not to mess with him because I couldn’t compete with her, but she only said that because she’s jealous and she and his father love her)

He didn’t even buy me anything for Christmas or Valentine’s Day, but I heard he brought his ex expensive gifts. He finally got a great job and started to get his life back together.  But, I found some messages in his phone between him and his homeboy, and he was saying that when he gets his settlement from his car accident, (we’re talking about at least 50K), he wants to buy her a new ring and put a down payment on a house and, “Put it all on the line to win her back because she’s the love of my life.”

I also found messages between him and her, nothing sexual, but they’re definitely in contact. I know she’s only chasing behind him because she’s young and dumb and she’ll only hurt him again.

I’m so lost and confused. I’ve sacrificed so much for him. My kids still hate him, disrespect him and my son tried to fight him, and when he got beat up by my man, my son stabbed him. He moved out and now he only spends the night when he’s in town. I just want my happily ever after. I don’t know what to do. How can I convince him once and for all that I’m the perfect woman for him and to leave his ex alone? Please help! – I’m The One

Dear Ms. I’m The One,

You write in asking me to tell you the truth and to not sugarcoat anything, but I swear that you all don’t take the time to read your own damn letters. The hell is this –ish! You’re a grown a** woman acting like a high school teenager. I don’t understand how you grown adults have been able to make it in the real world with the behavior and silly antics you all play and do. You have kids and grandkids, yet, you’re chasing after another woman’s man, attempting to fight her, and you’re literally trying to compete for a piece of a man who ain’t –ish!

You are a grown a** bird! No, you’re a TGHOT!

And, did you really write, “but I hated her light-skin a**.” Really? Really! You’re 44 years old and talking about hating someone and then adding skin color to it? You are not all there. You are mentally and emotionally all of 11 years old. SMDH!

Why would you knowingly get involved with a man who is in a relationship, and he abused her? That doesn’t even make logical sense. But, your dumba** justified his abuse by saying she took him back, “so it couldn’t have been that bad.” He hit a woman! He put his hands on her, and you think that’s okay? You really find that to be, “not that bad.” You are sick and sad!

How he treats her should have been a clue, some insight, an inkling of how he would treat you. So, why are you shocked that he doesn’t want to be with you? Why are you shocked by the way he treats you? Why are you shocked that he doesn’t spend any time with you on the holidays, or that he didn’t buy you anything for Christmas and Valentine’s Day? He is only using you for one thing, and it’s for some convenient on the side lazy gush-gush. He isn’t interested in being your man, marrying you, or being a family with you. He wants his young thang whom he sees as doing her thing, she’s in school, no kids, no baby daddy drama, and she keeps him on his toes.

Ma’am, if he serious and really wanted to be with you he would have claimed you and introduced you as his woman. Yet, he made you lie to her and he told her that you’re his cousin. And, you went along with this because… found this to be cute, and you felt you were getting one over on her? Seriously, a grown a** 44 year old woman with kids and grandkids, and you’re playing games and being a part of his lies to fulfill some fantasy you have with him.

(@       @) blank stare at you!

I swear I don’t understand why you women chase after men who are not chasing after you. If someone wants to walk out of your life, then let them go. Why are you attempting to make someone stay with you when they don’t want to be there. LET THEM GO!

You went through his phone and discovered text messages with him professing his undying love for his ex, and he’s planning to buy her a ring and put a down payment on a house for them. Uhm, sweetie, what part of he doesn’t want you, to be with you, or to have anything to do with you do you not understand?

You were something to do in the meantime while he was going through his drama with his girlfriend. You were the naïve convenient on-the-side piece of a** who gave him a shoulder and bed to lay in while he complained about his girlfriend. Don’t you all know that when you become a man’s comforter, his listening ear, and his rest stop for his d**k, that you will not win! You are a transitional piece of a**, someone he can dump all of his issues, stress, and drama on, and then he walks away rejuvenated, energized, and ready for round two and three with his woman.

Everyone has tried to warn you not to get involved with him, so why didn’t you listen? Why not take heed and pay attention to the warnings, and the blaring red signs of how he treats his girlfriend? That is a precursor of how he will treat you. And, this man has a fight with your own son, and, your son stabs him, yet, you’re still trying to make a relationship happen with him?

He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t love you. You will never be his perfect woman, so stop trying. He’s told you that you don’t compare to his ex. His heart is with her. He is not the man for you, and never will be.

But, you know what, I’m done, ma’am. You’re obviously mentally challenged, and now the d**k has you mentally dumb. Please find something else to preoccupy your time and energy. Chasing after him, running after him, and trying to get him to see you as the perfect woman will run you ragged. He doesn’t want you, so stop pursuing him. Move on with your life, and go and do you! Work on you, and your self-esteem. Work on loving you, and embracing yourself. Work on your family, and loving your children. Don’t let them see their mother being run down, abused, and making a fool of herself over a man. Stop embarrassing yourself, and grow the hell up. You’re too old to be playing these games, and acting like some hood rat. Have some dignity and class about yourself. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shutterstock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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