Dear Bossip: We Met Once 4 Years Ago, But I Can't Seem To Let Him Go

Dear Bossip,

I’ve known my friend for 4 years now. This past March he said that out of respect of his girlfriend he doesn’t talk to other females a lot.

I have a lot of feelings for him ever since the day I met him. I met him on a trip back in 2010. He lived in Detroit and I was in Arizona. We always stayed in touch through calls. I only met him that one time on that trip and saw him another time while speaking with him thru Skype. We’ve never dated.

He’s told me throughout our friendship of the chicks he’s been with and had sex with. Being that we never dated, I tried to not let it get to me because we never were together. Until, we talked about some day being together. He said that I was the only female that he’s ever thought of marrying. He’s told me not to wait for him, but then he said he wanted me to. I told him that’s not fair and you can’t do that. He’s told me that he knows that.

When I met him he was 24 years old, and I was 30 years old. I think a lot of him has a lot of growing up to do, or if it’s me making an excuse for him. I’ve always listened when he told me of his failed relationships.  I’m not sure with him dating now if it’s going to be another failed one.

In the past, every time when we haven’t spoken in a while he would ask if I’m dating. I know he was asking to see if I was still available and checking my dating status. In a way, I’m kind of waiting for him, but I know if someone else comes available I would move on with that person, but I just haven’t found that one yet. So, in the meantime I’m still thinking about this dude.

I miss him so much. I care about him so much, and, I think about him all the time. I care enough about him to let him go. In the meantime, I have been doing my own thing, changing me, and exercising. I’ve moved to ATL. I’m working and doing what I need to do. I don’t know if I will ever hear from him again. I don’t text, or call.  I’ve deleted his number. I’m on the verge of changing my number and to never hear from him again, but it’s hard just getting rid of someone you took the time to know, and I’ve made the investment in trying to know that person.

I don’t want to lose him, but then I don’t want to keep falling in the same thing where we start talking again as friends and then he tells me he can’t talk to me because out of respect of dating again. I don’t have time for that. My feelings are already involved, so I don’t want it to keep getting deeper and deeper. – Holding On

Dear Ms. Holding On,

Did I miss something? How can you miss something you’ve never had? (Sips tea)

You met him once. He lives in another state. You’ve only communicated once on SKYPE. You keep in touch via text messages and phone calls. You’ve never dated, yet, he tells you about all the women he’s been with, and how he’s living his life. However, you’re holding on to feelings and emotions for this guy because….?????

I’m confused. You are now a 34 year old woman who met a man once in 2010, yet, you think and feel there is something there between you and he, but you haven’t seen him again in four years!!?!!  What the hell is he filling your head with? You didn’t even touch or see the d**k, and, yet, you’re already hooked. Damn!

And, this is where I don’t understand your logic – He’s told you that he can’t and won’t talk to you out of respect for his girlfriend, which have been many, and you’re waiting on him for what reason again? But, hold on, he does this every time he’s in a relationship!?!

What are you waiting on him for? He’s not interested in being with you. He’s not interested in you being his girlfriend. And, that line with him saying that you’re the one woman he would marry is some bull-ish! If he wanted you then he would be with you. He would move, transition, and be right there with you. Any man who wants to be with woman will make the provisions to be with her despite the space, or time. He wouldn’t string you along for four years playing with your heart and emotions making you believe something that will never manifest.

But, it’s really your fault. Your desperation is sad and pathetic. You seriously have this imaginary relationship going on with him that you have created, and continue to maintain. You have a false sense of reality, and have concocted this fantasy relationship with someone you’ve only seen once. You’ve decided to invest in someone whom you only talk with via text message and random calls here and there. No woman in her right mind would continue or even fathom the idea of maintaining a relationship with someone they met once, and who lived across the damn country! You live in your head and not in the real world. Ma’am, get out of your head!

Not once in the four years of knowing him, which you barely know him, and in talking with him on the phone has he stated that he would make the trip to visit you. Not once did he offer to send for you, the woman he said he would marry. Instead, he’s told you that he can’t engage or communicate with you because he’s with someone else. He’s told you that you shouldn’t wait for him. He’s basically telling you that you are a damn fool to be waiting on him and should not waste any energy trying to have something with him because it is not going to happen.

So, since you’ve already deleted his number, and you haven’t heard from him since March, then go ahead and change your number. I can guarantee you that you will not hear from him. He is not going to call you. He is not thinking of you. He is not interested in you. Keep doing you, and live your life. Move on. Maintain your exercise regime and make the best of living in a new city. There are plenty of available, attractive, smart, intelligent, and career-minded men in your area. It’s been four years of holding on to nothing that manifested. It’s time for you to have some fun, enjoy yourself, and date. Make friends, go out, and live your life. You’ve started a new journey, now make it complete by deleting him out of it, so that new doors of opportunities can pour in. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shutterstock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!