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Dear Bossip,

I’m 25 years old and single, but I have had a connection with someone for over 3 or 4 years now.

Though, we have never been in a serious relationship, but at times it seemed as if we were but with no title. Over the years we have had our differences. Mainly, because I wanted a relationship and he wanted to do whatever he wanted.

We stopped talking after he started dating another girl, but after a while we ended up talking, which then led to hooking up again. That relationship went bad for him and he ended up moving out of state. While he was gone we lost touch, of course, and I started dating other men.

We have many mutual friends so of course they would tell me what was going on with him. I found out that he had proposed to the girl that he left me for after they broke up. I was shocked and hurt because I would have never expected him to do that.

Now, he’s back. Of course we reconnected before he came back. One day, while talking, he confessed that he loves me and he’s always thought about being with me, even saying he wanted me to have his child. Recently, he and the girl broke up and we have been spending time together again. I really care for him a lot, but now I am at a point in my life where I want a serious relationship and I want to start building with someone. He’s still at a place where he’s finding himself and doesn’t want to jump into a relationship, and I don’t want to either.

I’m really confused on whether I should stick by his side and let things play out, but I always have that fear that he will go back to his old ways of doing whatever. Or should I just move on with my own life even though I love him? – Not Sure What To Do

Dear Ms. Not Sure What To Do,

You are confused. Your letter is confusing. Your relationship with him is confusing. And, quite frankly, I don’t do confusing. When someone has you confused and you’re not sure where you stand with them, then leave. Who has time to decipher through all this mess?

But, I do know for sure that he does not love you. You are not the woman he wants to marry. And, he doesn’t want a relationship with you. That is obvious and very clear! Notice that he proposed to another woman, yet, he told you that he wants you to have his child. Those are two different things. You’re good enough to have unprotected raw sex with, but he is not interested in marrying you. Chile, miss me! GET OUT OF THIS BACK AND FORTH WITH HIM!

He is playing this back and forth game with you because you allow him to enter into your life at his leisure. You’re always available for him when he returns to you after he’s been dumped, or after his relationships fail. You’re the backup plan, and you don’t even know that you’re the backup plan. You’re so convinced that you love him, and he keeps coming back to you because there is something between you two. It’s not. Nothing but some convenient sex. You’re not that special. Otherwise, if you were, then he’d be in a relationship with you. He would have proposed to you and not some other woman. He wouldn’t be cheating, playing around, and leading you on.

From the very beginning of your letter you stated that you were never in a serious relationship with him, and the main reason is because he didn’t want one. He doesn’t want one, well, not with you. Don’t you find it odd that he can be in relationships with other women, but with you he doesn’t want a relationship? So, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, you’re the side chick. You’re the backup chick where he bounces and lands when he needs some in between sex. You’re the one he keeps on hold because you allow yourself to be kept on hold.

When he moved out of state and proposed to the girl he broke up with, he didn’t call to tell you about it. You learned about it through some friends. He wasn’t man enough to tell you, which means he doesn’t respect you. If you can’t see that he doesn’t respect you, then it’s because you don’t respect yourself. What woman will knowingly jump back into a sexual relationship with a man after he has proposed to another woman, even though they recently broke up? You’re not even in a serious relationship, but right back where you’ve always been with him – in bed.

Then, you confuse me when you say, “I am at a point in my life where I want a serious relationship and I want to start building with someone. He’s still at a place where he’s finding himself and doesn’t want to jump into a relationship, and I don’t want to either.” I highlighted it for affect because you contradict yourself. Either you want a serious relationship or your don’t. Either you want to be with someone or you don’t. And, because you are allowing him to dictate and run the relationship you are following his lead and going along with whatever he says.

I need for you to find a backbone, some strength, some courage, and some dignity and move on with your life. He is not the man for you. He will never be the man for you. He doesn’t see you as someone he wants to settle down with. He is only telling you what you want to hear. Stop listening to what he is saying and pay attention to his actions. He is showing you who he is and what he wants. YOU ARE NOT IT! Quite playing naïve, and dumb. It’s not cute or attractive.

Stop letting him use you as a doormat and revolving door. You are much more than that. He doesn’t love you, and quite honestly you don’t love yourself. You have to want much more, and know what that much more is. If he is not giving it to you, and he is still saying to you that he doesn’t want a relationship, then listen to what he is saying, believe him, and let him go. He doesn’t want a relationship, and especially not with you. Love yourself enough to walk away. Love yourself enough to rid yourself of him so that you can move on and find someone who wants to be with you, and not use you as some in and out trick. He is playing you. Stop allowing yourself to be played. Wake up, see him for what and who he really is, and know that you deserve so much more other than some man filling your head up telling you that he wants you to have his baby, but you’re not good enough to marry, or settle down with. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shutterstock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

      

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