I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have two kids together, one who was just born as of recent.
He’s had issues with flirting with other females online. I also just found out that he was having a sexual affair with another female, one in which he worked with, during the first few months of our first child being born into the beginning of 2013. There have been many issues involving this one specific person and I was told that he would stop all communication. He downplayed the situation and stated that they had just kissed, but my intuition made me believe differently; and still I ignored it.
Fast forward, he was at the girl house while I am pregnant and alone in a house with a two year old late at night. I called and he wouldn’t come clean even though I knew where he was and who he was with.
I chose to forgive him, or so I think I am trying to. I just find this time in my life the hardest to get through. Even though we have gone through counseling previously, he still had a bunch of lies that were revealed until he finally came out after he was caught.
I’m truly lost with how to continue this relationship. I do love this man, but feel deeply betrayed. I am not the type of women to use my children as an excuse to be with their father. I do believe that I should be happy, and right now seems hard. Should I stay or should I go? – Lost In Love
Dear Ms. Lost In Love,
He’s cheated on you, and you’ve caught him. He’s lied to you, and you’ve caught him. While you were pregnant on both occasions he’s been with another woman, and you discovered his infidelity. You’ve gone to counseling and discovered more lies, and, yet, you’re wondering if you should stay or go.
Well, I don’t know what your breaking point is and what it will take for you to leave someone who doesn’t respect you, he has no regard for you and his children, and he doesn’t love you. What will it take before you’ve had enough? Will it take him sleeping with another woman in your own house? Will it take him moving in with another woman and having children with her? What will it take before you decide you’ve had enough, and that you won’t put up with someone disrespecting you and basically giving you his a** to kiss.
You are playing house with someone who doesn’t want to be there. I don’t understand why you’re with him, with two kids, and you’re keeping and maintaining the house while he is running the streets doing him. I truly don’t understand some of you women. You can lay up with a man, cook, clean, and birth babies for them but they won’t marry you or even treat you like the special and deserving queen of his life.
What is it that keeps you there? And, please don’t say the children. If it was the children then he would be a better father, a better parent, and a better partner. He would marry you, and stop running the streets, and be a family man. However, he is not, and does not want to be with you nor be there even for the sake of his children. So, stop saying that you are staying for the children. He doesn’t care about you or the children. He cares about no one but himself. He’s selfish, trifling, and dirty.
He continues to treat you the way that he does because you don’t care about yourself. You don’t have any boundaries, and you have not given him any consequences for his actions. So, this is when and where it begins. You end this charade of a relationship, and you tell him that he needs to move out. You tell him that it’s obvious he doesn’t want to be with you, and that he wants to run the streets, be with other women, particularly his co-worker, the other woman, and that he can be with her. You will not allow yourself to be mistreated, abused, misused, and disrespected. It’s time you stood up for yourself and your children and demand better. You demand greater.
You have to stand up for yourself and children and make the necessary changes or else this will continue for months, and even years. It’s obvious there is a lot you don’t know about him, and that became apparent in counseling. He is not the man that you thought you knew. Therefore, end it, and get to know more about you. Remain in counseling and figure out why you decided to stay in a relationship with a man who you know is cheating and lying to you. What is it about you that you will allow something like this to go on, and not do anything about it? Work on you, and building your character, your self-esteem, and your self-worth. Build yourself to be a stronger woman who won’t allow any man to mistreat you or make you feel less than.
Take him to court, and get full custody of your children. Set up visitation with the courts for him to visit, and put him on child support. Then, you go back to school, work on a career, and build a home and life for you and your children. Stop bending over backward and making yourself available for someone who is obviously making himself available to someone else. I don’t recommend dating or getting into another relationship because you need to heal. You need the time to focus on you, and get yourself together. Find a church home, some spiritual institution to build your spiritual self, and surround yourself with positive nurturing loving people. Don’t remain in this situation because he will not change, and it will not change. Wake up and see what’s really going on and get out of this fantasy you keep telling yourself. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want to be with you. And, you will never be a family. – Terrance Dean
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