Dear Bossip: Now That I'm Ready To Be Serious He's With Another Woman

Dear Bossip,

I am a 24 year old woman and have been friends with a guy the same age as me for 9 years now.

But, I recently ended the friendship because I felt the time had come for the playing around to stop.

We first met when we were 13 years old, and then met again at 15 years old and started talking. Even though we liked each other and wanted to be together, being that we were so young and lived in separate states, it couldn’t happen so we just talked on the phone and hung out whenever I came to his town where my grandparents lived to visit.

Well, I ended up moving to his town for college and he wanted us to get serious, but I said no since I was just starting school and wanted my freedom. He understood and we continued just being cool. He started dating someone and I felt it wasn’t appropriate for us to be friends anymore, since we liked each other, so I cut him off.

A year and a half later he ended up sending a letter to my grandparent’s house to get back in touch with me. And, once again he wanted a relationship, but I just wasn’t ready and so we just remained “friends.” Well, fast forward to the present. I finally got to a place where I was ready to be with him, but I thought he didn’t want me at the time so I let it go. I continued being his friend and dated other guys. He always asked me about what I was doing with these other men and how I felt about them. For some reason he just always wanted to know leading me to believe that he really did want me, but he was thinking I wanted someone else.

So, one day I decided to write him a letter letting him know that I still had feelings for him and that he is the one I really want. However, by time I did this it was too late because he had already made plans to get involved with another woman. They decided to live together. This ended up hurting me so bad that I decided to put an end to our friendship because there are too many feelings involved between us. I didn’t think it would be right for us to be around each other acting like a couple while he’s living with another woman.

We recently spoke to each other and I told him that because of the feelings we share for one another that at this point we have to be all or nothing because we can’t just be friends like we had been trying to be all this time. He just said that he was going to figure it all out (whatever that means). He also said that he needs to be around me in order to know how he feels. I don’t think I should be around him unless we are in a relationship or working towards one especially not while he’s living with another woman, even though he’s not serious about her.

I feel like if he really wants me then he will move out of his place with her and step to me the same way he did when we were younger, but I could be wrong. Should I allow communication between the two of us and even allow him to come around me? Or, should I just stick to my word and only be around if he says he wants a relationship? I feel like maybe I should allow him to be around so he can figure out what he wants to do, but at the same time I feel like after 9 years he should already know. Please help! – Ready For Him

Dear Ms. Ready For Him,

I swear the desperation and the thirst is real in these streets.

This on and off again business you have with this guy….wait, how can it be on and off when you’ve never been in a relationship. You were teenagers in different states when you met. You never had a monogamous committed relationship with him. And, when the opportunity presented itself and when he did ask you to be in a relationship you told him that you were not ready on several different occasions. Now that he is in a relationship, and he has moved in and is living with another woman, you want him to drop everything and get into a relationship with you because NOW you’re ready for one. Are you freaking serious right now?

After he’s made two different attempts to be in a relationship with you, and you told him no, you are expecting him to put his life on hold and to sit and wait on you until you’re ready. Oh, okay. You see where and what this has gotten you. He’s moved on, and he’s with another woman. Now, you’re throwing a hissy fit and stomping your feet demanding that he move out, end his relationship with her, and run to you.

Entitlement. Spoiled.

Yes. You.

You have a sense of entitlement. You feel that you have rights to claim him because you’ve known him since you were teenagers, and that you have this bond with him, therefore, because now you’re ready to be serious he should be oh so eager and excited to appease you. Well, that’s not how this works, sweetie. You don’t have an entitled rights or claim to him. You lost that after the second time he asked to be serious with you and you told him that you were not ready. No man is going to sit around continuously being rejected. He will find another woman who will love him, and cherish him. And, the same should go for you. If a man keeps rejecting you, then you should move on and find a man who will love you and cherish you.

You’re spoiled. How dare you sit up here and through a hissy fit because he’s in a relationship after all these years? You ended the friendship with him because you felt you couldn’t be friends with him while he’s in a relationship with another woman. And, rightly so. But, know that you can’t be upset because he’s moved on after you’ve rejected him several times. Then, you have the nerve to say that he should move out with her, and step to you like he did when you were younger. Bye Felicia!

You are not young anymore. You are a grown a** adult talking about you want him to step to you like the way he did when you were teenagers. He is not that same man any longer. And, he made that clear when he told you, after you ended your friendship with him and wanted to be in a relationship, that he needs to be around you to know how he feels. You can’t expect him to drop everything and to jump into a relationship with you especially after you rejected him, and you’ve haven’t spent any quality time together. The last time you were together was years ago. You don’t know one another! HELLO!

You’re holding on to feelings that are years old. You are holding on to a person you knew years ago. You haven’t moved on, but he has. It’s time for you to let him go and move on with your life. Therefore, yes, you should stop all communication with him. Let him be happy in his relationship and be with the woman he chose because he was tired of waiting on you.

No, you can’t be friends with him. You were never friends. You were two people that just couldn’t get it together to be together. When he did pursue you and wanted to be in a relationship you rejected him to focus on you. Then, continue to focus on you because he is now focusing on himself. So, move on. If no relationship has materialized after 9 years, then I’m sure one will not materialize now, especially considering the comment he made that he needs to be around you to know how he feels. Ma’am, that is a clue, it’s a sign that he doesn’t feel the same way as you. He is not in love with you, or harboring any feelings like the ones you’re carrying around for him. You’ve kept him on hold while you were doing you, and you thought he would always be around waiting on you. Well, he is not, has not, and he has moved on. You should do the same.

Be happy that he has found someone. You can stop pouting, stomping your feet, and throwing tantrums. Utilize that energy to focus on loving you, going out and having fun like you had been doing, and continue dating. I’m sure you will find some man who will want to be with you and settle down in a relationship. It’s just not him. – Terrance Dean

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Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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