Dear Bossip: My Family Is Living With Me & My Fiance & I Want Them Out

Dear Bossip,

I am 23 years old and engaged to a wonderful man, whom I’ve been with since I was 15 yrs old.

We have two children together, a 5 year old daughter and 3 year old son. We have been together since day one and we have been through thick and thin together from my family not liking him, to trust issues, and etc.

Anyway, we’re past that and doing great in our relationship and looking forward to getting married next year. To make a long story short, we both have needy families in which we are the only ones in the each one of our families who have common since and are always the ones everyone calls on when they need help.

Around June of 2014, my mom and dad lost their house that they were renting and needed a place to stay, mind you we had just moved into our two bedroom townhouse that April. We finally had our place to ourselves for just 2 months after having my fiancé’s brother, his brother’s baby mama and their 6 kids living with us for 5 months, until they moved out.

So, here we are again with someone living with us. I said, yes, because it’s my mom and dad and they were going through rough times at the time. So, I said they could stay with us until they got back on their feet and saved up money to move. At the time it was just supposed to be my mom and dad, but they also had my two grown a** brothers living with them who are 21 and 35 years old. And, when they lost their house the two of them went to live with two other different family members, but that didn’t last long. They both were kicked out because my brothers are grown a** hell spoiled, lazy men who don’t want to have any responsibility. I blame my mom and dad for their ways and for letting them live carefree without jobs for years, coming and going as they please, eating up all the food and mooching.

Sadly, knowing my family’s ways I agreed to let my brothers live with me as well because they had no other place to go. I can’t say, no, even when I need to.

At first, when my dad and mom came to live with us they both had temporary jobs, which only lasted about a month and then they were jobless again. My younger brother had a temp. job as well, which he lost after like 2 months. My older brother is the only one who is working a full-time permanent job, and he is making at least a decent amount of money. But, he drinks and smokes up all his money every week, and he will be broke by next pay period.

At first, I was very patient by not asking for anything or demanding anything out of them, and that was a huge mistake by me. My dad is and has always been a drunk and drug user who can never keep a steady job for long. My older brother has always lived with my mom and has never had a place of his own, even though he has had a full-time job for over 10 years. And, my younger brother has had 2 temp. jobs, which both lasted less than 2 months each, and they all either drink or smoke weed or use some sort of drugs. It’s sad and very pathetic.

My mom seems to not let anything bother her, nor does she say anything to either one of them to try and get them to help. My family is very non-communicative and won’t open up to each other about anything. My mom used to do drugs when I was growing up, but she has been clean for years.

At first, it was calm, but now it’s very hectic, stressful, and it is causing problems in my relationship, and I don’t know what to do. I have gotten my mom a job where I work, but my dad is still from job to jobless and the same is with my brother.

I have since kicked out my big brother because I was fed up with him coming in my house every night after midnight, banging at my door, and drunk and high. He tried to burn my house down one night while trying to cook a pack of hot dogs in the microwave with the plastic still on, and he fell asleep and woke up to a smoke-filled house, while all of us including my kids were there. So, he had to go. The next day he tried to come back and I said, no, and he ended up sleeping in my garage until I kicked him out of there.

My little brother and my dad are the main sources of the stress in my household because my dad drinks and complains all day about my brothers, but he is no better. The little money he does get, every once in a while, he spends on drinks/drugs and he doesn’t offer anything on bills or household items. My little brother gets food stamps and two months in a row he played me by saying he lost his card or used another excuse until I just took his card from him and kept it.

To make another long story short, we’re at the end of our ropes. Our bills are piling up. The only one who even tries to help us out is my mom. And, it seems like my kids are becoming out of control because my mom and dad load them with junk food and let them run wild in the house whenever we ask them to watch them for a little bit. It’s hard to keep them in line when someone else is letting them run wild when we’re not around.

My fiancé is fed up. He wants my family gone like, ASAP! And, it’s like we try and try to understand them and give them a second chance, but they always do something to make us mad. They are grown and I guess it’s time for us to let them hit rock bottom and find their own way up.

I guess my thing is I just don’t know how to go to them and tell them how I feel without hurting their feelings. We both just feel like they don’t respect us, they don’t respect our house or our relationship. The only reason they are still here is because of me, and at the same time they’re holding us back financially and physically because we were set to move to ATL next year, but we can’t make any plans until they’re gone. I just want my house back and my space. What should I do? Should I kick them out? Should I wait until they get it together?  Should I have a house meeting? I just want some help and advice because it’s driving me crazy! – What About My Family

Dear Ms. What About My Family,

Honey, you are better than me. You have used a lot of restraint and patience with your family, and your fiancé’s family. There is no way in hell I would allow grown a** folks to live with me, and especially if you have a job, and you’re not contributing to the household. Oh, hell to the naw!

What I’ve noticed is that you have not set any boundaries within your home, or your relationship. You’ve allowed your family to run amuck in your home, and within your relationship. Notice that you opened your letter by stating that your family was involved with your relationship, dictating, and causing havoc in your relationship. Now, they are in your house doing the very same thing. And, it’s because you allow them to do so. You have no boundaries with them. You allow them to run all over you, and I don’t know why you do this. Is it because you are the only girl, and you feel obligated to them because they come across as protectors of you? Do you feel you have no voice and they won’t listen to you? Do you feel protected by them? It seems to me that you are the one who is nurturing and protecting them. You have become the parent and as you say, “the sane one” in the family.

You don’t owe them anything. You are not obligated to do for them, or to accommodate them for the mistakes they’ve made. You are not their responsibility. You are in a relationship with your fiancé, planning a marriage, and are building your family. That is your obligation, and to whom you are responsible. And, your family doesn’t respect that, you, or your fiancé. So, they all have to go!

One of the biggest mistakes you’ve made with your family and your fiancé’s family is that neither of you set boundaries, and you did not give any of them a timeline of how long they can stay. When someone asks to stay with you, that is when you say how long they can temporarily move in. You don’t let someone move into your house and you have no timeline of how long they plan to stay with you. Hell, naw! You establish this from the very beginning. I am a firm believer that you give folks two weeks to a month. In extreme cases, you give them three months. By that time, they have had the opportunity to find a job, and to save money for an apartment. If you don’t give them a move-out date, then they will think they can stay forever. That one month will turn into three, then six, and eventually a year. Nope, nope, nope! You give them a deadline date to be out of your house.  And, you stick to it!

Then, you need to set the rules of the house. You let them know the dos and don’ts of what will happen, what will not happen, and your expectations of your household. You set the rules and boundaries. You don’t let them move in and just let them do willy-nilly what the hell they want to do! Hell, no! They need rules, regulations, and perimeters of what is going to go down and how it will go down. Also, you tell them that they have to contribute to the household in some form or fashion. Either buying food, paying a bill i.e., electricity, cable, internet, or something. They cannot eat your food, they are to buy their own food. Or, in the case of your brother and his food stamps, then he will buy food for the house, and someone will cook for all the persons in the house. If he wants to be stingy with his food stamps and lie about his card, then, put him out! He can live in a shelter and he won’t have to worry about anyone using his food stamps but him.

You can have a family meeting with your family members, and you can tell them how you’re disappointed in them, and that you feel disrespected in your house, and how they don’t respect your relationship. That will probably last all of one day. They are alcoholics, and drug users. They have problems and issues that are beyond your fixing or resolving. You won’t get through to them because their issues are deeper than you and your relationship. Their issues are tied to drugs, and their emotional and mental well-being. So, it’s best that you get them out of your house and just be honest with them.

Let them know you love them, and that you appreciate them, but it’s time for them to go. They have until the end of this month, and that’s it. They have to leave, and go someplace else. Your sanity, relationship, and your own family are more important. You can’t save them, fix them, and allow them to run all over you. It’s time they become adults and take care of themselves. They need help far beyond your capacity, and you will not allow them to destroy you or your relationship. It’s time to put an end to the merry-go-round of a drama and stress. You’re too young to be dealing with all of this stress and anxiety from grown a** folks who made their choices and decisions. They cannot and will not “F” up your life, like they’ve done their own.

Once they are out of your house, then you need to learn how to say, “NO!” And, stand by it, mean it, and don’t negate from it. You can say, ‘no,’ and not feel guilty by it. You are your own person. You have a family, a fiancé, and your own life to worry about. You can’t worry about grown a** adults who refuse to take responsibility of their own lives. That is not your job or obligation. Find a spiritual home, or church, and surround yourself with positive nurturing loving people. You need positive reinforcements in your life, and a support network that you can call upon when you need something. Your family is nothing but takers. They give you nothing but headaches, heartaches, and dump all their problems onto you. Stop it and stop letting them take advantage of you. – Terrance Dean

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