I am in need of some desperate advice. I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle, but I can’t seem to move on from the past.
I am broken and I don’t know what to do. I have no relationship with my mom, grandma or granddad. I have no relationship with my mom because as a child I felt as if she didn’t love me. She would call me the “B” word, and once she hit me in the head with a high heel shoe and busted my head. I was 9 years old at the time. She had asked me if I wanted to live with my paternal granny and when I said yes that’s when she hit me.
Her husband would abuse me, and when I’d tell her she would tell me that, “What goes on in this house stays in this house.” One day, her husband left her and she wrote a letter to him, and then she had me to rewrite it and send it to him. The letter was basically a fraud, and she sent it like it was from me supposedly begging him to come back. He came.
My issue with my granddad (maternal side) was that at the age of 15 I awoke to him molesting me. At the time, I had moved in with him to start school. I told my grandma about what was happening and she said that she would handle it. Well, instead of her handling it she went around telling people that I was sleeping with him. When she would come over she would argue with him and then she would say, “You f***ing that b***h,” referring to me.
Now, as an adult, I stay to myself and I keep everything bottled up. I don’t trust anyone, so I push people away or anyone who tries to get involved with me. I am really depressed and I cry everyday over these events that took place while I was a child/teen. I’m trying to get over it, but I can’t. – How Do I Find Closure
Dear Ms. How Do I Find Closure,
I am truly sorry for what you went through as a child and teenager. It is truly disheartening to hear that the people who were suppose to love and protect you were the very ones who were abusing you mentally, physically, and emotionally. No one deserves this to happen to them, and, especially not a child or teenager.
I truly urge you to get into therapy, and speak with a licensed psychiatrist or psychotherapist. You do not need to try to work this out on your own, or to keep what happened to you bottled up. If you do, then you will end up repeating this cycle of abuse in your relationships, and with others, especially men. It appears that your mother and grandmother were victims of abuse, and this pattern of abuse became a norm for them. It has been passed from generation to generation. And, instead of getting out of this vicious cycle, they themselves became victims and continued this pattern passing it on to their children. What’s sad is that they were aware their spouses were abusers, yet, they chose not to do anything, and they chose the men over their children.
They took their anger, pain, and hurt out on you, the child, and you became the victim because for them you were attempting to destroy the little love they thought they had from the men who abused them, and unfortunately, they misconstrued it as love. They will always choose the man over their child.
Therefore, if you don’t get help, and end this cycle you are bound to repeat it. I am glad that you recognize and are willing to confront what happened to you. That is the first step to healing. Now, you have to get into therapy and continue to work out these issues so that you don’t continue to repeat them.
I also recommend finding a church home, spiritual group, and surrounding yourself with positive reinforcements. You will need a group of people who can build you, encourage you, inspire you, and motivate you. Keeping your feelings and emotions bottled up will only destroy you and kill you from the inside out. It’s okay to talk about what happened to you, and not hold it in. It’s okay to acknowledge that what happened to you was wrong and not your fault. You did not nothing wrong, and you did not do anything to warrant the abuse you experienced. They were wrong!
Also, I do encourage you to work on forgiving them, and letting go of the hurt, anger and hate you have for them. I know you are upset, angry, sad, and unhappy because the very people you loved, and the very people who should have loved you in return destroyed your innocence. They stole from you your childhood. You were not able to be a child for fear of being attacked and abused. Yes, it is hard to let go and forgive them, but you will have to. Holding on to these feelings will only destroy you. And, besides, they will not see the part they played in what they did to you. As a matter of fact, they will not even remember it the way you did, or, they will feel you are making a big deal out of it. So, please know that they are damaged and hurt people and the only thing they know how to do is hurt other people.
I suggest prayer, and, or, talking in a mirror to yourself and saying how you forgive those who harmed you. Tell yourself that it was not your fault, and that you are loved, lovable, and deserving of love. Do this every day, and every time you feel down, or sad, or feel like crying. Remind yourself how you are a gift, and that you are special and loving. Remind yourself that you are not the victim, and you are a victor. Embrace yourself, and start loving you. Also, read motivating books like, “Value in the Valley,” or “Straight From Your Gay Best Friend.” They are filled with good nuggets of self-love, and self-worth.
Again, get into therapy, and start surrounding yourself with loving and wonderful people. Read motivational and self-help books. Start telling yourself how loved you are, and release the hate and anger you have for those who did you wrong. Forgive them and forgive yourself. You are truly loved and worthy of love. – Terrance Dean
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