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Dear Bossip,

I am a single mother of 3 boys, and after my last son was 2 years old I decided to give a guy that was pursuing me a chance.

Rewind about 13 years. I was with my children’s father for about 10 years. Within those years, two of the three children were conceived. Within this relationship, I have dealt with so many other women, fighting with him and them, and so on and so on. After many chances I left, packed the kids up, and moved to a whole different city.

Not long after, I decided to meet a guy and after 4 months we had intercourse. Next thing I know I’m pregnant. I couldn’t believe it! I was livid. I hated myself throughout my whole pregnancy and with him not being there it hurt even worse. After I had my third son, who is everything to me, I decided to focus on the kids and myself. I didn’t talk, interact, or reach out to any guy for 2 years. I felt that I needed the alone time to focus on a plan for the kids and myself! And, I just wanted to humble myself.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I decided to give this guy my number. We are only a month in, and we have not had sex, and he ends up leaving his phone in my car one day. At first, I wasn’t about to go through it, but you know curiosity kills the cat! So, I went through it. And I got an eyeful!

He texted and saw 4 other women besides me! Everybody was coming to pick him up, (because he doesn’t have a car). One took him to a hotel. Another one he took a picture with and showed his homies. And, one was sending videos. I started shaking! What if I would’ve given myself to him? What if I fell in love? I like him a lot, but so does everyone else. I denied going through his phone when he asked. Every since then I have been brushing him off. But, should I if we are not in a committed relationship? – Mother To 3 Boys

Dear Ms. Mother To 3 Boys,

How can you “like” him a lot in a month? What is there to like about him? As you can see you barely know him. As a matter of fact, you don’t know him! He doesn’t have a car. Which means, he probably doesn’t have a viable source of income. That right there should have been the end of the conversation and meeting with him. The moment he said he didn’t have a car, uhm, no we will not be going out, dating, or doing anything. The hell is wrong with you women driving around picking up men for dates. HUH?!?!

Now, you had no right going through his phone, but because you did, and you discovered what he is up to, then there is no question of whether or not you should be brushing him off. Delete him out of your life. Regardless if you are not in a committed relationship, and you’ve only been seeing one another for a month. Obviously he doesn’t seem to think too highly of you, and, nor is he interested in making you his only woman. He is seeing four other women, and they are driving him around for dates, taking him to hotels (which means he doesn’t live alone or own a home), and he’s collecting their photos and videos. Oh, hell no! Leave that damn fool alone. He is a serial dater, and he’s a broke bish. What can he possibly offer you? He has nothing!

Be glad you did not make the mistake of sleeping with him. Be thankful you discovered who he really is before you laid with him and procreated. You would be one of his baby momma’s, and you’ll be on your third baby daddy.

You did the right thing, and stop fretting over it. It was only a month, so there is no investment. He’s broke. He doesn’t have a car. He doesn’t own anything. He is silly and childish. He’s a broke player with no game, and he’s a bum. Girl, kick his a** to the curb and move on with your life.

Continue to work on you, and raise your boys to be great men. Make sure their father’s are active in their lives, and if they are not, make sure you are getting child support. Pour your love into your boys, and give them the encouragement they need as they grow into young men.

As far as dating, and moving forward – do not date men who do not have a car. Do not date men who do not have their own home, apartment, condo, or own place to live. Do not date men who cannot take you out, and are unable to pay for a date. Always be sure to ask men if they are seeing other women besides you. Ask them if they are dating, and how many women they are seeing. Ask them if they are sexually active, and if they are using protection. Ask them what they are looking for, and what do they expect for themselves. If a man tells you he is dating and seeing other women, then you have the power and can make the choice if you want to be in that number and continue dating him. I wouldn’t date a man who is seeing several other women. He doesn’t have time to focus on just you, and why would you want to be in rotation competing with other women for one man. He is not that one, two, or three. There are plenty of men out there, so you don’t have to settle.

Love yourself more. Give yourself more credit. And, embrace who you are and what you have to offer. You don’t have to settle. You don’t have to make allowances for a man who doesn’t have his –ish together. Don’t be desperate. Don’t be cheap. And, don’t be needy. If you do, then you will keep meeting men like that bum who ain’t –ish and ain’t worth –ish. Stop spending your time on losers. You are not a loser. You are winner, so make sure the man stepping to you is a winner. Not some low-life has-been in-training with nothing to give. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!




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