Dear Bossip: He Said She Was His Baby Momma, But I Learn She's His Wife

Dear Bossip,

I’m a 26 year old female and I’m so confused, and fighting the devil.

I need some tough love and honest direction to keep me on the straight and narrow and away from temptation.

Okay, so I’ve been talking to this man now for about seven months. And, while I have trust issues due to past relationships I found myself drawn to him. At first we’d speak on and off, then things began to pick up and we’d speak to each other more often. The conversations became a little more personal, but the only issue was he lived with his child’s mother.

I have a problem with attracting unavailable men, so usually when they tell me they’re in a relationship I head for the hills. ESPECIALLY if their married! He was aware of this and he told me that she only stays with him because she has no place to stay and he doesn’t want his child on the streets. He even went as far as to tell me they are not even intimate. I bought his story for what it was worth, yet, I was still cautious because it felt like BS. But, I wanted to believe him, and it’s not like we were speed balling into anything serious anyway.

So, we continued to speak, but ONLY while he was at work, and I would see him ONLY on the weekends. We would never go anywhere publicly and he would always pick me up in a friend’s car. Red flags? Yeah, so at this point I’m guessing maybe things aren’t exactly how he says. I mean if she’s just a baby mother that stays with you then why the funny movement? Why are you hiding? Because that’s exactly what it felt like.

I would ask him about their situation and one time he told me of a custody battle and lawyers and it being best to co-parent in the same house or some BS. I understood him, well, I understood his story. I felt it was noble letting his baby mother stay with him after a break up and sacrificing not only for his child but for his child’s mother, too, knowing that would of course effect his personal life. Also, being that he probably couldn’t bring women to his own house out of respect for her, and I mean how many women would accept a man in a situation like that anyway?

I had assumed that was obviously why I never been to his house. We continued to talk and we’d see each other here and there and the interest and attraction grew. Finally, after months of talking we were intimate. Yes, we had sex and IRONICLY I find out that this man is married. He lives with his WIFE. I found out right after the fact and only because he forgot to take his ring off. SMH!

I asked why he lied ESPECIALLY after knowing how I felt about sleeping with married men. I felt it was a sin and that both parties should be ashamed. It was something I NEVER did and NEVER would do… well, not knowingly. Anyway, he made it so hard for me to hate him! He admitted to lying and being married and he apologized his excuse saying (even though there is none) he wanted me that bad and I looked that good (I know pathetic), and it’s sad. He then continued to tell me how unhappy he was and how he can have sex with his wife whenever he wants, but he doesn’t even touch her.

At this point I already found myself feeling him, his live-in baby mother, the creeping, and all that! I mean we can’t help who we like/love or are attracted to. And, I liked this man so much, well, I liked who I thought he was. I confided in him. I was honest, and I trusted him, and the connection was real. I told him he was just using me to fill a void and that he was not going to leave his wife. If that was the case, then, he would have done that. Even though he told me I don’t know what could happen, I wasn’t going to sit around and wait!

I felt unfortunately it was time for damage control. I had to get over him. I had to sever all ties I had with this person I naturally gravitated too, and, whom I had developed strong feelings for. And, I did and it hurt like hell. I went two months without speaking to him and thinking about him EVERYDAY, and of course he calls me out the blue. Let me say two months is a long time to dwell on something, and at times I didn’t know if I forgave him, hated him, or still wanted him. But, I can say it felt so good when he called.

Of course I beat him in the head over the situation again, and he apologized some more. I felt like, ‘What the heck, the damage is done and we slept together that one time I drew the line and as long as we don’t cross it again, then, we’ll be fine. We’re just two old friends catching up, right?’ We’ve been talking again now for a couple weeks and of course he’s making sexual suggestions. I’m trying so hard to fight temptation. I told him we have to remain strong and I’m not going to help him commit adultery. But, my God the attraction! It’s been months since we’ve spoken and we still haven’t seen each other all this time, but the energy is still strong.

He tells me how much he wants me and I’m telling him we have to fight it. But, it’s when he told me he thinks he fell in love with me that I pumped the breaks. Is this a ploy? Is he playing with me? I know he feels for me, lies and all, and aside from that he’s been there for me. If I needed a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to listen, even a word of advice, he’s been there. I don’t ask him for nothing, but he’s always stressed the fact that I could ask him if it’s anything I needed. And, now he’s speaking of love.

I’d like to believe he’s being genuine. I’m the type of person that I attract people and they gravitate towards me. I can make them fall hard and fast and I do break hearts, so it’s not hard for me to believe it. But, I’ve been naive with this man before. He’s used me and he’s lied, so I’m not quick to take the worm. I’d hate to believe he’s really playing games with me even after our fall out and all the apologizing and forgiving. I’ve been gullible and he pulled a fast one, but I don’t know where he got the impression that I’m one to play with. He knows I’m a bright individual. I’m an amazing person, which is another reason why people are attracted to me. I’m charming. So, I’m thinking it’s just lust.

We did it once and I never get any complaints, so I’m like maybe he’s just thinking with his “you know what.” Nonetheless, those words meant something to me. I told him I don’t like having my head played with and he told me it’s all honesty. I just left it alone. I’m trying to stay strong and not compromise my beliefs, but damn it, I’m falling. I can’t help it.

Unfortunately, I developed these feelings before I knew the truth and I’m stuck with them. I know as long as we never see each other again we won’t cross the line. Basically, we can’t be in each other’s presence because I know we’re both weak. SMH. I’m so disappointed in him. I wish he would have been real from the jump. I wouldn’t let myself fall for someone under false pretenses. I felt as long as he had a live-in baby mother and things were platonic there was a chance, you know? And, I built myself up only to be left with these emotions and this attraction I can’t do anything with. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hurt. It’s a love/hate thing. I felt played, but that’s how deep it feels. I put it all to the side and forgave him and it’s scary. I still want him. I want to do what we did that night again and again. I don’t care about him being married or none of that. I want to be wrong with him. There’s no justifying sleeping with a married man, but what if it is love? He’s married, but it’s still possible to fall in love with someone else (even though in his case it’s not supposed to be no one else), and to be honest I think I’m in love with him, too. So what if he’s just feeling the same thing I’m feeling? – Wisely Naïve

Dear Ms. Wisely Naïve,

You can’t be wisely naïve if you’re willingly playing along. That is an oxymoron. Plainly, you are a liar. You lie to yourself, and anyone else who believes that BS coming out of your mouth talking about you don’t sleep with men in relationships, or married men. You are a liar.

If, from the beginning, he told that he lived with his baby mother, and regardless if they were sleeping together or not, they were in a relationship. You should have walked away, kept it moving, and never engaged in any type of relationship with him. He started off lying to you, and any woman with any type of common sense would not believe that bull-ish line anyway. Especially if you only talk with him while he’s at work, you only see him on the weekends, you never go anywhere publicly, and he’s picking you up in different friend’s cars. Girl, you are either dumb as hell, or you knew what was going on and wanted to play this game with this damn fool.

For a woman who has trust issues, and always dating unavailable men, then, you mean to tell me that from the beginning none of your red flags went off, and nothing in your gut said to stay clear from this man? You are a glutton for punishment, and you enjoy the drama. That is why you pursued this relationship. You can’t help yourself. If a man doesn’t have any drama, issues, baggage, or any other damn problems, then you don’t want to be bothered. You want to sit up here and proclaim to be Ms. Innocent, and that you meet these horrible and deplorable men who try to take advantage of you. Sweetie, you can’t play the victim if you are knowingly playing the game. Miss me with your BS!

What’s also sad is that you felt it okay to date a man who lived with his baby momma. Why? Why date a man who lived with his baby momma, but he tells you they are not intimate, they are only together for the sake of his child. Really? Really! You are pathetic. You had every ample opportunity to walk away from the beginning, yet, you stayed. So, you can’t blame him. If you felt it okay to sleep with him knowing he lived with his baby momma, then, please know that he never took you serious because he knew that once you kept talking with him, and going out, then you must be easy.

He’s married. He is not in love with you. He is lying to you. He’s not telling you the truth, and he’s never told you the truth. He is only telling you what you want to hear because he wants to sleep with you again. SMDH! You truly are dumb. You truly are a bird. You truly want to play this game with him, and sleep with him again and try to develop a relationship. And, it’s because you are a liar, and you want people to believe that you don’t sleep with married men or men in relationships, because of your so-called values and morals. Where are you morals and values now? He’s told you that he’s married. Why can’t you stick to your respectability and act accordingly by walking away from him? It’s because you’re trifling.

How can you even fix your mouth to say that you and he must be strong, and be friends because he’s married? HUH!?!?! Are you freaking serious!?!? You’re talking about be strong. Strong for what, and for whom? Ma’am, you can’t be friends. Again, stop lying to yourself, to him, and to anyone else who will listen. How the hell can you be friends with a man who is married, he’s cheating on his wife, he’s lied to you from the beginning, and he’s only calling you because he wants to sleep with you? Why are you even taking his calls, and why are you even entertaining these conversations?

For someone who is so charming, intelligent, fabulous and got it going on, then why are you not dating someone on your level? Why are you entertaining a married man? If you are so put together, and you’re this heart-breaker, then you would have a plethora of men lined up waiting to take you out. But, it’s not true. You are none of those things because here you are talking about you’re in love with a married man, and you are considering seeing him again. Obviously, you don’t have many choices to choose from in men, and all the smoke you’re puffing about yourself is a lie. If you were that fabulous then you wouldn’t have time for a married man. You wouldn’t have time to spend in his shenanigans, or games. You’ll be out with another man who is more on your level.

So, stop lying to yourself. Stop boasting about something that is not true. You have trust issues because you don’t trust yourself. You need to work on yourself and be more honest and real with yourself. Leave this married man alone. He is never going to leave his wife for you, or any other woman. He is off limits. Regardless of what’s he’s telling you, it’s a lie. He is making this entire story up as he goes along. He is only playing you and telling you what you want to hear. All of a sudden he’s in love. Boy bye! He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even know you, and you don’t even know him. Walk away. Stop taking his calls, and delete him. Block him. Move on and stop obsessing about some sex you had with him one time. Girl, you’re just d**k hungry. There are plenty of single available men you can date, and enjoy. Not someone else’s husband.

Yes, it will be hard because you believed the lies. But, now you know they are lies. So, why believe anything else he’s telling you. He will continue to lie to you. Get out of the drama, and stay away from the drama. You keep thinking about him because you refuse to let him go. He can’t keep coming back if you don’t allow him to. At some point you have to realize this is not going anywhere, and you have to stick to your so-called morals and values of not dating men in relationships or married men. But, you won’t listen, because you like this back and forth, and you like the attention. Good luck with that. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!