I’ve been dating this guy for 3 years and it’s been pretty awesome.
But, lately, I’ve been getting tired of him. He’s a really nice guy, but he’s boring. We’re thinking of moving out together within a year, but I don’t know if it’ll be a big mistake.
I’m the adventurous type and he’s not willing to do anything fun. And, if we go anywhere (like to the zoo, movies, any adventure, etc.) he’ll complain about how bored he is, and say were blowing all our money away. It’s not even expensive things either, they’re actually pretty cheap. He hates when I hang out with someone else, especially if he’s just home alone. I just feel like if I do break up with him…I won’t find anyone else.
Also, the love/spark/passion isn’t there for me. I just feel like it’s good enough. Should I go to a relationship counselor also? He also has jealousy problems and road rage. I don’t know if that helps at all. – Bored Of Him
Dear Ms. Bored Of Him,
Let me ask this? Is it that he’s always been a boring Debbie Downer who doesn’t like doing things, and has always complained about your dating adventures? I mean, you probably overlooked his negative comments and statements, and just blew them off. You figured he’d change or eventually find some activity fun and engaging. Or, is it that you’ve grown tired of his complaining and negativity, and have opened your eyes and realize that he is not going to change. This is the way he is and you’re simply over him?
Honey, relationships run their course. Sometimes people grow apart, and people outgrow each other. You know the saying – “People come into your life for a reason, season, and lifetime.” Is the season over? Has this relationship run its course? Or, more importantly, have you stopped making excuses for his behavior, his negativity, and his jealousy, and you have realized that he is not the man you thought or hoped he would be?
And, that is exactly what it sounds like. It sounds like you’ve woken out of your slumber of, “I can’t change him,” and you have reflected over your relationship and began to notice a pattern. He’s boring. He doesn’t enjoy the outings with you. He gets jealous when you leave and you do things without him. And, he has road rage.
So, when you began your letter stating your relationship has been awesome, well, sweetie, I was looking for all the awesome parts of it. You went straight for the jugular and mentioned all the things you don’t like. So, does the things you don’t like outweigh the good?
I’m concerned that you’re considering moving out with him, and you didn’t talk about being engaged, or plans to marry. You are ready to shack up with someone you feel is “good enough,” and the passion/spark/love isn’t there for you. Girl, does that make any damn sense at all! You are going to hold on to a man you don’t have any passion for, no sparks, and no love, but, because he’s a man and he’s there and it’s been 3 years you’re going to move in with him and hope things change?
Next, he’s jealous and has road rage. He has anger issues, and he’s controlling. Call it out, girl! Now, does his road rage frighten you and do you feel endangered when you’re with him? Do you fear he will get into a confrontation and something dangerous will happen? If road rage has a grip on him, and the fact you’ve brought it up, then I am sure you’re thinking or have thought what if it gets out of control and it is directed toward you.
Jealousy. This has been ongoing in your relationship. I’m sure you’ve had many arguments, and disagreements due to his jealousy. You’ve put up with it for 3 years. Now, are you willing to continue to put up with it, or are you going to continue to dismiss it?
Yes, you can go to a counselor, and discuss your relationship, but the issues are with him. He’s needs to be in therapy. He’s dealing with anger, jealousy, and control. You’re enabling him by allowing him to do it, and you haven’t checked him on it. He only does what he does because you let him. You should have checked all of this early on. Now, it is out of hand, and you’re having second thoughts about where this relationship is going and where it will end up. But, consider these: Why is he jealous when he doesn’t want to go out or do anything? Is he jealous of your friends? Is he jealous another man will take you away from him? Do you think he wants to control you? Has he tried to control you and the relationship? How would you assess his anger, and is it only road rage?
Look, if everything you recommend to do as an outing is so boring and money wasting, then ask him to recommend something he would enjoy doing, or ask him to pick something for the two of you to do. Make him responsible for the outing, and the decision making, and then if he complains you will have your answer. If he doesn’t enjoy the event, or activity he’s chosen, then you can’t make him happy, please him, nor can anything else. He’s just boring. Get out of the relationship. Nothing is going to change. He will not become the man you want him to be. He will not grow, mature, or all of a sudden become exciting. You will be miserable, unhappy, and eventually you will start cheating.
If the passion, spark, and love is not there, and it’s been 3 years, I’m sorry, this relationship is doomed. End it, and move on with your life. Why spend another 3 months, or 3 years with someone whom is only ‘okay.’ You are passing the time with him. And, it’s not fair to either of you. Stop being so desperate to hold on to a man just so you can say you have a man. There are plenty of men who are adventurous, fun, outgoing, and enjoyable to be around. Your man is not that man. I don’t recommend moving in together. It will be a huge mistake, and I do know that once you move in together his jealousy will increase, and eventually he will start trying to control you. Save yourself from this potential headache and stress. – Terrance Dean
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