About three years ago I reconnected with an old high-school boyfriend.
At the time he was going through a break-up and I had been single for three years.
We started talking on the phone and just catching up on each other’s lives. About a year and a half later we began a relationship. About six months into the relationship he starts to shut me out with no explanation. It dealt with unanswered calls, cancelled dates, ignored texts messages and I couldn’t understand why.
Through the internet and Facebook I find out he’s sleeping with someone else. I ask about it and he of course denies it. Like an idiot I continue to sleep with him because in my twisted mind he hasn’t said it’s over. So, we are still together.
Here I am six months later and I’m finally letting it go, not that I have much choice. He’s in a new relationship with the woman he cheated on me with, and I still have no answers. The only thing he’s told me is that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but that was after the fact, yet, during our relationship you start something new with someone else?
This whole situation is something I’ve never dealt with. I thought he was a good man, I introduced him to my kids (the only man to be around my kids besides family and their dad), and I met his. We met each other’s family and friends and just like that it was over. I’m really confused about why this happened, and in the back of my head for some reason I think he will call and explain, but in reality I know that won’t happen.
How do you move forward and do better the next time, if you don’t know why it didn’t work the last time? We made a point to build our friendship before getting into a relationship, no sex or anything until we were both sure. So, we just dated and talked. I’m confused about what changed, but that’s something only he can answer. But, for me moving on and trusting again is where I’m at now.
I know this may sound crazy, but it’s cut me so deep that counseling is what I think I need. My heart break is one thing, but rebuilding my confidence enough to put myself out there again is really frightening to me. What would you suggest? – Don’t Understand His Actions
Dear Ms. Don’t Understand His Actions,
You were the rebound chick. You were the woman to help him get over his breakup and heartache from his previous relationship. You were the in-between chick – the chick he decided to do until the chick he really wanted arrived. You were the set-up chick. You set him up for the next woman, and got him over his heartache and through his ordeal. You were the sex to help him get over his past relationship.
Notice the beginning of your letter was that you met your old high school boyfriend while he was going through a breakup. Wrong timing. Wrong timing. Wrong timing. You hadn’t been in a relationship for three years, and he was just coming out of one. Wrong timing. He was hurting, going through a break up, and BAM! You showed up, someone who was familiar for him, and he needed to move on, and you were conveniently available. What a great set up for him, but it wasn’t for you.
I do not recommend ever dating someone who is coming out of a situation, and I don’t care how long you’ve known them, or previously dated them. If they are coming out of a break up, you will be nothing more but some familiar sex, and the rebound chick. Especially if you have been single for a while, and you’re lonely, looking for love, and you already know him and he reappears in your life. No ma’am. Don’t do it.
So, for him to move on to another woman was nothing for him. You helped him to be a better man. You helped him to get over his heartache. He played you and you allowed him to play you. I’m sure you cheered him up, encouraged him, inspired him, and helped to rebuild his self-esteem. Once that happened, he was ready to get back into the field and find another woman he really wanted to be in a relationship with.
It’s not your fault, and you shouldn’t blame yourself. But, it wasn’t a smart move to get involved with an ex, as he’s an ex for a reason, and you should have left well enough alone. As soon as someone says, “I’m in a situation and we’re going through a break up.” You run! Don’t fall for them or their sob and sad story of how their girlfriend did them wrong, and don’t appreciate them. You will be sending in your resume as the new potential girlfriend who will support him, encourage him, and will be a good woman to him. But, unfortunately, you are only setting yourself up for failure.
No, you are not going to get the answers you need. He has them, and he is the only one who can tell you the truth. He is the only one who can tell you why he stopped communicating with you, standing you up, and ignoring you. He is the only one who can tell you why he got involved with another woman and not tell you about it. And, he is not going to give you the answers you want.
It’s time you let him go, and learn from this experience. Recognize what happened, and don’t allow yourself to fall into the same trap again. Get you and your girlfriends and go out and have some fun. Dress up, get your lively spirit back, and stop moping and thinking about him. He’s moved on. And, you have to do the same thing. Get back into the dating game, and just simply date. Enjoy yourself, and enjoy your life. Trust me, if you keep sulking over him and this situation you will find yourself back in this same rut again with another jerk. Have fun. Enjoy life. Get you a nice bottle of your favorite wine, put on some dance music, and celebrate your life. If you feel therapy will help, then do it. Whatever you need to move on and get over him, I encourage you to find the strength and power. You can’t sit around waiting on him to give you an answer. This is something you may have to resolve on your own. – Terrance Dean
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