All my life I have tried to force myself to get rid of these thoughts. These thoughts haunt me daily.
I am attracted to women being a male, but there’s something I’ve been forcing myself to control and that is that I’m seeing men as attractive. I hate it, and I hate myself. I do not want to be gay.
I sometimes cry myself to sleep and I am deeply depressed. I need to know why in the world these thoughts consume me when I can’t control them. I’m stuck because I don’t feel as though people are born that way and things happened to me during my childhood that traumatized me that could possibly force me to have these feelings.
I’ve been sexually abused by a man in my family and I told no one. Now, what is happening to me is being twisted around to make me feel as though it was my fault by my aggressor. The only reason I won’t say anything is because the fact that it happened disgusts me. I wish I could find help and some reason for why I have these feelings.
Again, I don’t want to be this way. What should I do? I am on the verge of losing my mind. I have a feeling a lot of young men are dealing with this issue and me stepping up to ask these questions can help someone else. – Struggling With My Sexuality
Dear Mr. Struggling With My Sexuality,
I truly feel for you, and I empathize with you and your struggle to understand your sexual thoughts and desires.
I cannot tell you how to fight these desires, feelings, and thoughts you have for the same sex. I cannot tell you that these are abnormal thoughts, and it is not who you are. Your feelings, thoughts, and desires are your own, and only you can decide for yourself how you will identify, if you choose to do so. However, just know that you are okay the way that you are. You are fine. You are a beautiful human being, and there is nothing wrong with you, and nothing you need to fix.
The fact that you mentioned that you are attracted to both men and women may mean that you could be a bisexual male. It’s interesting that you stated that since you have an attraction to men you shared that you don’t want to be gay. You still have desires for women, from what you stated. I suggest that you research and read up on bisexuality. Also, understand the entire range of LGBT – Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transsexual.
I am concerned that you were abused by a man in your family and have not told anyone. I do hope that you will strongly consider talking with someone, and deal with what happened to you. I am also concerned that your aggressor turns the situation back on you, which means you are still in contact with this person, and he makes it appear as if his rape and assault on you was an invitation by you, or something you did. That is not the case. Your aggressor is a pedophile and someone who is mentally ill. What they are doing to you, and have done to you, is classic for a pedophile who doesn’t want their secret to get out, and they know they are wrong for what they did. He doesn’t want you to tell you anyone, and he is making you feel guilty for what happened, thus, he is manipulating you and controlling you. Tell someone. Tell everyone. Tell anyone who will listen and put him blast. Do not allow him to continue to control you, and make you feel you warranted what he did to you.
I also recommend that you get into therapy and speak with a licensed and professional therapist to deal with your depression, the assault you endured, and your thoughts about your sexuality. You cannot manage this alone, and you cannot keep these bottled up. You will do more harm and damage to yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Please get help and deal with these issues before you spiral out of control.
Being gay or bisexual is not wrong and neither does it mean that there is something wrong with you. Your sexual identity is a part of who you are, and no one can determine your sexuality but you. Please do not feel that people are not born that way, and that there is something wrong with being LGBTQIA. People think that persons choose to be gay, and it is not the case. Ask a heterosexual person if they choose to be heterosexual. They may say or tell you it’s wrong or abnormal to be gay or bisexual. And, then you ask them what is right and normal. And, normal based on what? Normal defined by whom? Normal according to whom? Hell, there are many people who thought, and still think that being black is abnormal.
You can’t help who you are, and know that you are brilliantly and beautifully designed the way you are. It’s going to be long process for you to get to where you learn to love, accept, and appreciate who you are. Work on embracing yourself. It begins with you first.
I do hope that you will stop hating yourself. I do hope that you will stop allowing your rapist to turn this on you. And, I do hope that you get the help you need. If you keep beating yourself up, hating yourself, and accepting the blame for what your rapist did to you then you will end up harming yourself and others emotionally, mentally, and physically. Lastly, I do recommend reaching out to an LGBT community center in your area, and schedule some time to go and speak with someone. They can help you with resources, and information that can help you understand who you are, and provide support groups and meetings, as well as a counselor/therapist you can speak with. So, today, claim victory over your life. Claim love. Claim acceptance. And, claim power. You deserve to be accepted, loved, appreciated, and empowered. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!