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Dear Bossip,

I am thirty years old and a single mother of three. I have been in 3 bad and abusive relationships, and, eventually moved from that state.

I relocated into another state in about a year now. I did it with a plan and it did not include any man.

About a month after starting my new job two of my coworkers were interested in me, but I was not ready for any type of relationship. They both pursued me for the next few months, however, I found myself infatuated with the 24 year old man.

Long story short, after seven months I could not resist him anymore and let my guard down. I told him how I felt and had sex with him, and even let him sleep over. Around Thanksgiving his “supposedly pregnant” girlfriend moves in with him. The reason why I said “supposedly pregnant” is because I’m the only person he’s told this, according to his cousin.

The attraction is still there despite the fact that we are trying to be just friends. He is always trying his best to help me in any way possible. He does everything to make sure I notice him. His attitude changes when certain guys flirt. But, he does not call me when he’s with her. I had to tell him to call his girlfriend by the appropriate title in front of me not his baby momma.

He tells me he wants to be with me, but because she gave him an ultimatum he has to be with his child. How much of this could be a lie? Why in the world do I still want this man? He’s not my type at all so I don’t see why I am attracted to him at all. What advice do you have for me if any? – Caught Up With Coworker

Dear Ms. Caught Up With Coworker,

My advice: Get out of this relationship mess with him today!

You’ve just come out of three bad abusive relationships. And, though you moved to escape your madness, and to start anew in a new state, you are still dragging that mess with you. Have you ever heard of the saying: Wherever you go, there you will be!

You can’t run from yourself. You can’t hide from yourself. You can’t escape the madness if you haven’t healed, and you haven’t done the work of truly getting to the root of why you had three bad abusive relationships (choosing the same man over and over again). Therefore, you take with you all the problems, drama, and aggravation you were attempting to run and hide from. It doesn’t leave or stay behind because you’ve moved. It’s with you because you’re the root of the problem. Now, you’re in another state and you’re starting the pattern over again.

You’re seeing a man who lives with his pregnant girlfriend, and he is your coworker. Bad, bad, bad combination. Then, he tells you that though he wants to be with you he has to be with his girlfriend because she gave him an ultimatum regarding his child. Uhm, what ultimatum is that? Regardless, he’s lying to you, and he’s using the both of you. You’re the side chick, and he has his main chick living with him.

You see the pattern you’re in? You see the abuse you’re subjecting yourself to with this man? You’re trying to have a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship. Uhm, does that make sense to you? He moved her into his home. She’s pregnant and carrying his child. Where do you see yourself in this picture, and how do you think this will eventually play out? He’s already told you that he’s not leaving her. And, you’ve accepted this and your role, and you’re allowing yourself to be subjected as the side chick. SMDH!

Ma’am, he’s your coworker, and should not be your lover. You should not be sleeping with men you work with. I’m tired of repeating this: Don’t –ish where you work! It will not end well. It is bad for you, him, and the workplace. What happens when his girlfriend learns he’s cheating on her with you and she comes up to the job? Then what? What happens when other coworkers start gossiping about you sleeping with someone at the job, and your boss gets involved? Then what?

You’re 30 years old. You’re too old to be stuck on this repetitive cycle of abuse and dumbassness. Chile, your life is on repeat, and you don’t even see it. The fact that your children are witnessing their mother in these abusive relationships, and you’re introducing different men into their lives, well, they will grow up to repeat this pattern because you’re instilling in them that’s it’s okay. You’re passing along this cycle and it will continue for generations.

If you truly want it to stop, and you truly want to heal and really start anew, then get into therapy. Get some real help. Moving is a great step, but you need more than moving to another state. You need professional help. Get to the root of why you keep choosing abusive and bad relationships. Understand where did you learn this behavior, and pattern. Why do you do it? What was it about those men you were attracted to, and why did you stay? You say the 27 year old coworker is not your type, but sweetie, he is. You chose him. You didn’t have to give in to his pursuits. But, you let him in, and look at the drama you’re in with him. It’s a bad situation, and it will eventually become abusive.

You said your move to another state did not include a man. Well, how about you stick to your guns and make that a reality, and focus on you and your children. Dating right now is not healthy for you. You’re not in a space where you should be involved with a man because you’re too vulnerable, and you haven’t built your self-esteem, or self-worth. You haven’t recovered from your past three abusive relationships. Your heart, soul, and mind are damaged. Your body is tired. Therefore, you can’t make appropriate and sound judgments when it comes to dating. Please get into therapy and work on taking care of yourself. HEAL YOUR LIFE FIRST! – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!




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