Dear Bossip: I Got Evidence He May Be Cheating, But I’m Not Really Sure

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I came over to my boyfriend’s house to hang with him. I’m in the kitchen about to cook dinner for my daughter, myself, and him.

As I’m turning around to throw something in the trash can I see a used condom on the top of the trash. I confronted him about it and his response was that, “It’s old.” (Let me mention that we have been together for 3 years now). I asked him again, he then paused and said, “It’s not mine. I let my boy use my bag and I found the condom in there.”

So, I made him go bring me the bag. It takes him 5 minutes too long to look for the bag and he finally found it. I leave to relieve some stress. Then, he texts me feeling all sorry because he is in trouble for something he says he didn’t do. I then say, “Okay, I will come back over and we can talk.” I go back over the same night and I stay the night.

The next morning I had a gut feeling that it was more. Now, I know I shouldn’t have been looking for it, but I end up looking in a shoe box, and little do you know it’s a box of condoms under a bunch of degrees. I then made it my business to look in the trash to match the same condom wrapper with the box. Bingo!!!! It’s the same brand.

I called and asked him about it and he says the box belongs to him, but he didn’t use it. His friend did. Let alone, he and I do not use condoms anymore, and I’m 4 months pregnant by him. And, the condoms he had were Durex and we used Magnums, when we did use condoms. Every time I confront him he puts it back on me and tells me that I’m being childish or I have a trust issue. And, I have neither. But, I don’t know what to do with this matter. I want to believe him, but at the same time I don’t want to look stupid. – Believe Him Or Don’t

Dear Ms. Believe Him Or Don’t,

So, at what point do you begin to believe the evidence you have, or are you going to keep interrogating him until he finally confesses the truth to you?

Geesh! I swear if a building of truth dropped on top of your head you still wouldn’t believe anything. Hell, you can catch him in the bed with another woman, and he will tell you that it’s not what you think or see. It was his boy. You didn’t see him. You thought you did, but because they have the same build and look alike, it was his friend. And, you have trust issues. You’ve never trusted him, and because you want to believe it was him that you saw, then there is nothing he can do to make you realize it wasn’t him. SMDH! LMBAO!

Sweetie, let’s state the facts:

  • You see a used condom in the trash. You inquire about it. The first lie he tells you is that it’s old. Why would an old used condom still be laying in the trash? And, why is he just throwing it away?

 

  • He changes the lie from it’s old to it belongs to his homeboy. (The second lie). He says he let his homeboy use his bag and he left the condom in his bag. (Question: His homeboy left a used a condom in the bag that he let him use, which is nasty, but your boyfriend takes said used condom and puts it in the trash, which is even nastier that he would touch it.)

 

  • You leave to go for a walk. He texts and pleads for you to come back. He’s sorry. He’s trying desperately to explain to you that it’s not his, but his homeboy’s. Why text and be sorry if it wasn’t his? Why feel guilty for something you know isn’t the truth?

 

  • You search his house. You find a shoebox of condoms. You match the condom brand with the condom in the trash. They are a match.

 

  • The brand in the shoebox is Durex. The brand in the trash is Durex. You and he used Magnums. Soooo, does it take a brain surgeon to figure this out?

 

Now, notice the third lie and deflection from the original story he told you. Every time you confront him he turns it back on you and says you’re childish and you have trust issues. He’s back-peddling. He’s deflecting and is now trying to make you believe this is all in your head. Please re-read your letter and notice the downward spiraling of your boyfriend’s lie. He’s turning this on you and making it about you and your issues. He’s not taking any responsibility for the used condom in the trash, which is the exact same brand you found in the shoebox he had hidden.

You’re four months pregnant by him. You’re now wondering if you should stay or leave knowing you have evidence that he is cheating. You don’t want to be alone, and you don’t want to have another child by another man and have two baby daddies. You’re wondering if you and he can make it and endure this. You’re wondering if he will continue cheating, or if this was a one time thing. You don’t want to believe this is happening to you.

Ma’am, get out of denial. Stop lying to yourself and stop allowing him to lie to you. Face the truth, and be honest with yourself. You have to make some choices, and these choices include whether or not you will continue this relationship, or if you will leave. If you stay, then know you are dealing with a liar. He is untrustworthy, and dishonest. He will throw his homeboy under the bus, and he will not take responsibility for his actions. Just know this is what you are getting, and what you will have to always contend with in dealing with him. He will have to work hard in regaining your trust. But, until he is honest about his infidelities, he will always be dishonest with you.

If you leave, then you have to decide how to be a single parent raising two children alone. It sucks. I know. But, you can do it. Instead of remaining in a relationship with someone who lies to you, is dishonest, and cheating on you, you will have your sanity, and be drama free. You won’t have to worry about what he is doing when you’re not around. You don’t have to snoop through his house trying to find evidence of his infidelities. If you’re snooping now, you will snoop later. And, if you’re snooping in a relationship to get to the bottom of a lie or your partner’s dishonesty, then it’s time to leave the relationship. Put him on child support, and let the court work out the arrangements for visitation. Do not try to do this on your own with him. He won’t follow through. It will become an even bigger nightmare trying to get him to be responsible and to own up to his role in co-parenting. He won’t do it.

Now, instead of asking him over and over again the same question about the condom. Just tell him to make a choice and be honest with you so you can do what you have to do. You’re not going to back and forth about this issue. The quicker you get the truth, and the quicker you deal with this, the sooner you can move on and move forward with whichever choice you decide to make. But, just know, you have all the evidence you need now. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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