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Dear Bossip,

I am a newlywed and so far being married is nothing like I thought it would be. It’s boring and lonely.

My husband leaves me home a lot to deal with outside things, nothing bad (so he says). And, I get really lonely. I have always thought highly of marriage and took my vows very seriously, but lately I am thinking about cheating on him.

I know it’s simply for the attention that I am craving from him, and if I can’t get it from him then the next best thing is to cheat, right? He trusts me tremendously and betraying his trust is not something I want to do, but I am getting desperate for attention.

Before marriage, I never thought I would cheat on him because he is everything I need, and I did not get married to cheat, but he is too busy for me, apparently. I have no children and not many friends. I moved away from my friends and family so my life is simply with him. I don’t want to leave nor lose my husband and I’ve tried talking about this to him before, but here I am today writing this letter.

I love him very much, but it’s just that I am not getting the attention I need in order to survive this marriage without it. Please understand that this is not about sex, but about the need to feel wanted and needed by him. I would love for him to listen to me, to question me sometimes, to just hold me, and to laugh with me and enjoy a night out with just the two of us doing something together.

I’m starting to think he does not love me or maybe he is too comfortable with knowing I will not venture out. Would it be wrong of me to have an outside partner just for attention? – Ms. Attention Seeker

Dear Ms. Attention Seeker,

What do the lonely do? They don’t cheat! Hello! The hell are you thinking? What will cheating resolve? How will that help with your situation? Cheating will not fix your marriage, or help you to resolve your own loneliness and misery. Honey, honey, honey, I get that you are feeling neglected and alone. I get that you want your husband to pay special attention to you and spend time with you. But, cheating will not resolve that. It will only create a bigger problem.

I don’t understand you folks in relationships, and those of you who get married, but are scared to talk to your partners. You are so afraid of communicating what and how you feel, so to fix your situation you figure you will add another level of problems and step out and cheat. Yeah, cheating always resolves issues in your marriage. Instead of talking with your partner, and instead of working to resolve the problem, you create another and bigger one. Sigh! Just dumb!

Look, I understand you want your husband to be with you, spending quality time, having fun, and you’re enjoying the newlywed bliss of marriage. I get it. But, Chile, ain’t nothing like being in a relationship and your partner is not attentive to your needs and wants. And, it’s another thing to be married and your husband is leaving the house to “take care of things,” but you don’t know what “those things are.”

Uhm, where the hell is he going, and what things does he need to take care of outside of the home? And, why don’t you know these things and what he’s doing? I wish my partner would walk out the door and tell me, “I’ll be back. I got to take care of some things.” Uhm, sir, pump your brakes. Where are you going? Who are you meeting? What things do you need to take care of? Why is it so urgent that you must leave now? How long will this take? When will you be back?

Yeah, I understand you have to trust your partner, but for you to bracket that statement, “So he says,” leads me to believe that you don’t even believe he is taking care of something, or your suspicions are that he is doing something he shouldn’t be doing. And, because his attention is being diverted someplace else, or with someone else, you want to step out on your marriage.

Well, if you love your husband as you say you do, and you want to have the marriage you thought you would have, then you and he have to work at it. You and your husband have to be a partnership, and you need to have better communication skills. And, especially, if you’re newlyweds then you and he should be spending lots of quality time together. You should be happy to be with one another, looking forward to going out, or laying up with each other. This is the newness of marriage bliss. You should be glowing in the mist of that new marriage feel and smell. LOL!

Therefore, no, I do not think you should have a piece on the side. No, you should not step out on your husband. And, no, you should not cheat because you’re bored and don’t have anything to do. Two suggestions I have for you:

  • Communicate with your husband. And, I’m not saying the whiny and pouty face type of communication and asking your husband to stay home and spend time with you. I am talking about being a grown woman and expressing yourself and telling your husband that you enjoy being with him. Tell him that you enjoy his company and want to make him feel wanted and needed at home. Let him know that you want to go out, have fun, celebrate your newlywed life, and share these moments with him. Express your feelings and how it feels to you that he doesn’t want to spend time with you. Let him know that you need attention. Express how it makes you feel when he leaves you and you don’t know where he is, and you’re sitting at home alone.
  • Find a hobby. Girl, you need to get some friends, or find you something to do. I understand you love your husband, and you want to spend a lot of time with him. But, you need a life yourself. Your entire life and free time is your husband. And, there is nothing wrong with that. But, if you had a hobby, or you were in school, or even had some good girlfriends to go out with, then it will allow you the time to spend it away from your husband and he can miss you. If you have your own life, and you’re doing your own thing, then he will be begging you to spend time with him and doing things with him.

Don’t throw in the towel so quickly. Don’t jump the gun and be ready to step out on your marriage. It’s not worth it. Marriage is work, and it is working with your partner. You and he have to be better communicators, and you both need to work on this together and fix it before it becomes something bigger. Today, sit down and talk with your husband. Express yourself, and let him know what you feel, how you feel, and what you need. And, then I’m going to need for you to find a hobby, some friends, or something to do in your spare time. Trust me, spending time away from your husband or partner only creates the desire for them to miss you and they look forward to coming home and spending time with you. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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