Dear Bossip: My Father Left Us & I Fear My Husband May Do The Same

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

Basically I’m a full-time working 23 year old married mother of two. My childhood has not been the best.

I was molested and suffered from extreme anger issues and anxiety. I was raised by a mentally ill single-parent, my mother. My father abandoned us when I was 3 years old, after drug use and physically abusing my mother. He periodically came into my life when I was 11 years old after he was religiously saved. He showed us his new family that he now supports and treasures more than he ever did for us. He even went as far as giving the land he bought for me and my sister in Honduras to his new family.

Meanwhile, to this day my, mother has not moved on. She is still in love with him, and having PSTD from everything in her life, we continued to live in poverty while I was growing up, and, unfortunately, the same thing happened to my grandmother. It is a sick cycle.

Now, being 23 years old I have my own family, and I am at a lost spot in my life. I have been with my husband for eight years. For the first four years my husband has been a mechanic. He was loving and he treated me like gold. Today, he is a completely different person. It has come to the point where I hate my husband and want to move on with my life. He has turned into a demon over the years and I only see things getting worse.

Basically, after I had the kids he refused to work and he has been unemployed for the past 4 years. He won’t even stay home with the kids because he has to “hustle.” Also, he’s not faithful (what a shocker), and he is a compulsive liar about everything in his life. I don’t even know who he is anymore.

As you can imagine, I left him several times. My anxiety goes into overdrive when I leave him, as I get caught up in thinking about how I am going to deal with this and, unfortunately, I go back with him just to make the anxiety stop. I desperately want to leave and I need to find the courage.

My biggest fear is that he is going to change and end up like my dad – Being saved with a new family, rejecting my children, and I will end up like my mother. In my sick head, I keep thinking if I stay with him it will not happen, but I can’t take it anymore. I am abandoning my soul by staying with him. How do I move on? – Scared and Confused

Dear Ms. Scared and Confused,

You are still holding on to what your father did to your family. And, you’re displacing your father’s behavior with your husbands’. Your father and your husband are two different people. You have to let go of what your father did to you, your mother, and your family. You are still harboring issues and feelings of what your father did, and you are manifesting them onto your own family. This explains your anxiety. You keep thinking your husband is going to do to you what your father did. Thus, you stay in this unhealthy relationship to prevent what will inevitably happen – a divorce.

If you don’t leave, then you will continue to be unhappy, miserable, and detesting your husband even more. Until you are able to move on from what your dad did to your family, let it go, forgive him, and release him, then you will be trapped and bound to this anxiety, hurt, bitterness, and anger for the rest of your life.

It appears that your dad got his life together, found religion, and turned himself around with a new family. Yes, it’s unfortunate that he left you and your siblings behind. He doesn’t recognize you and your mother. However, I’m sure for him he felt that in order to save himself he felt he had to relinquish his past, and unfortunately that included everyone and everything in his past. It doesn’t make it right, but he did what he felt he needed to do to get his life together. And, now that he’s gotten his life together and remarried, and has created a new family, he has totally abandoned you and your siblings. He doesn’t want anything that reminds him of his relationship with your mother, and what that period of his life was like. That makes him an asshole. Yes!

Why abandon you and your siblings? Why eliminate you out of his life, and you’re a part of him? You are his children, his blood. What he’s done to you and your siblings is incomprehensible, but many fathers do it. It’s trifling, sad, and pathetic. So, you can either revel in it, and hold it against him, or you can let it go, forgive him and move on. You can’t make him be a part of your life if he doesn’t want to. And, living in the past will only make you more angry, sad, hurt, and depressed.

What is sad is that your mother has not let him go, and she continues to hold on to unrequited love for him. She is still living in the past of what was, instead of moving forward and moving on with her life. With that, you are also doing the same thing. You and your mother are enablers to one another, and in order to remain unhappy, bitter, and angry over the past and what your father did, you and your mother continue to reminisce on what was. You keep living in the story of what he did, how he abandoned you, left you, and doesn’t love you anymore. You can stay there if you want to, but it is not serving you. Look at your marriage. It’s in shambles, and you’re only going to repeat this tragic story because you don’t have the gall, strength, and courage to get out and save yourself and your children.

Your husband has not worked in four years. He refuses to take responsibility for his life, or for his family. He is sleeping around, and doesn’t respect you or his family. He’s given up on the marriage. Why remain with someone who doesn’t want to work? Why remain with someone who has abandon the marriage, and doesn’t care what happens to the family? Leaving him will save you and your children. You can have a better life, and live happily ever after. But, you have to believe that. You have to know there are hope, love, joy, peace, and serenity on the other side. If you don’t believe that, and are not willing to take the chance to see what life is about without the baggage, drama, stress, and anxiety, then you will live the next 5, 10, 15 years in misery. GET OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE! Get a divorce and save yourself. You’re only repeating the same pattern if you stay and refuse to see what it is doing to you and your children. – Terrance Dean

Photo courtesy: Shutterstock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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